How to move on from your ex-boyfriend
There is nothing more painful than a romantic breakup because it’s usually unwanted or at least hard to go through with.
But when it happens, it happens for a reason. After all, a relationship that is happy and healthy would not have ended.
And once you come to terms with that, there is one important thing left to do – moving on from an ex.
See, a big part of the pain you feel during a breakup is not about the other person, but about the fantasy, you created in your mind about them and the relationship.
Oftentimes you don’t miss him, but you miss who you wish he had been.
Because if you are honest with yourself, you are not wishing for the relationship back the way it was, but you are wishing for a changed, improved, and more peaceful relationship.
One where things work out the way you hoped they would. But that relationship never existed.
But how to move on from a relationship when it still hurts?
While time does not heal all wounds, it definitely helps if you use the time to follow a few practical steps. Here is how you can be intentional about your healing process, move forward with your life, and learn to feel good again.
5 tips on how to move on from your ex.
1. Avoid Comparison
When things don’t work out with your ex, it is very easy to start comparing your life now to your life with them.
You are tempted to look at their social media to see if they are happy. And then you create a false narrative in your head of all the reasons why their life is so much better than yours and how they don’t seem to miss you.
But as we know “comparison is the thief of joy”. There is no winner or loser in a breakup. Because both of you are hurting to some degree and processing it differently.
Therefore, comparing how you deal with the heartbreak to how he does will not help you to move on from your ex-boyfriend, but keep you stuck.
If you truly want to get over him, you have to stop comparing.
- Stop comparing your life as a single woman to your life in a relationship
- Stop comparing his highlight reel (if you still stalk him on SM) to your behind the scenes
- And most importantly, stop comparing yourself to his new girlfriend (if he already has one)
2. Forgive him
Going through a breakup is a b*$%#! No matter who breaks up with whom it always stings and often makes you mad.
If you broke up with him, you are angry because he could not live up to your expectations. And if he breaks up with you, you are angry, because you tried living up to his expectations.
No matter the circumstance, there is always underlying pain, resentment, and anger. And in order to move from your ex, you need to acknowledge it, let it go, and then forgive him for the pain he caused.
Yes, girl you heard me right. You have to forgive him.
Not for his sake, but for yours. You have to forgive him so that you can let go of that baggage, heal and move forward with your life.
But how do you forgive your ex for what he did?
By putting yourself into his shoes and genuinely connecting with the fact that just like you he is an imperfect human being. For that, I use a specific exercise:
- Just like me, he is figuring out who he wants in his life.
- Just like me, he is scared of making the wrong decision.
- Just like me, he is learning how to love.
Doing that exercise I realized that just like me he did not have all the answers and did not mean any harm. That helped me to extend grace. I was able to accept that the breakup, just like everything else in life was nothing I could control but had to go through.
And once I was able to forgive, I was able to move on from my ex-boyfriend and be happy for myself and him.
3. Look for peace
If there is one thing we can all agree upon, then it is that breakups bring a lot of worry and anxiety. Especially if you struggle with a fear of abandonment and have a hard time believing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
That’s why I suggest you stop looking for the end of the tunnel and instead find peace in the darkness.
As Philippians 4:7 says:
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
When you tap into God’s peace and remind yourself that He is in control of your life, remaining calm amid uncertainty gets easier.
Look for the little things in your everyday life that remind you of His presence and give you a sense of peace. Maybe it is your family, your home, or your work.
4. Invest in your relationship with yourself
One of the best things I did after my breakup that helped me to move on from my ex, was to immerse myself in this blog.
Because this blog predominantly deals with dating, relationships, and being single I spent a lot of time learning about the psychology and behavioral science behind love as well as drawing closer to God and studying his word.
It was a very trying but beautiful time.
Eventually understanding myself better and why God broke up my relationship, helped me to truly accept that the relationship was over.
Investing in the relationship with yourself outside of a man helps you detach your identity from him and get to know yourself better.
You become more aware of your needs and wants and how you can meet them. The goal of moving on from an ex is to gain clarity and understand what to do differently the next time you get into a relationship.
5. Break the Soul Tie
I believe that we create emotional bonds and spiritual connections with the people in our lives that had a great impact on us. And depending on how close the two of you were, that soul tie may be hard to break.
But it necessary to.
Because unless you break the soul tie, you run the risk to get an emotional reaction every time something happens in his life.
That’s why you have to actively remove his presence from your life. That means getting rid of any reminders of him.
Throw out the pictures, block him on social media, and inform his family members that you are stepping away for a while.
But most importantly, don’t allow him to get hold of you either.
This step might take a few weeks, months, or even a year, but in the end, you will find that you don’t suffer from an extreme emotional reaction whenever his name comes up and are ready to move on and be happy without your ex-boyfriend.
How to move on and be happy
I’m not even gonna front, as I’m writing this I’m listening to Snoh Aalegra to truly connect with my heart.
See, I am (finally) over my ex. And trust me when I tell you that it took a long time to get here.
But to give you the raw truth on how to move on from your ex, I had to go to extreme measures and connect to the pain of the breakup.
I know what it is like to break up with someone you thought was the one, especially if you still love them. But I also understand how important it is to let go of someone to find happiness with someone else.
Part of moving on and be happy is to trust that God can provide new love. Not just any love, but the type of love you have been looking for and the future husband you have been praying for.
In every piece of advice I share, I always remind you ladies to abandon the scarcity mindset we are so used to and adopt an abundance mindset instead.
And here is how.
Look for love
Surround yourself with people that embody the love you are looking for. It is very hard to believe that there is true love if you have never seen it. You will question if it exists and whether it is available to you.
But if you make it a point to surround yourself with healthy couples, then it will be much easier to believe in love. You could befriend couples in church or visit family members that have been married for a while.
And if you don’t have any access to them, then search for couples online. Many godly couples have YouTube channels and online ministries where they share their journey.
Start a manifestation practice
I am an absolute fan of manifestation. I believe that we have the power to co-create our lives with God by being intentional about what we envision, speak, and attract into our lives. From business to vacations, to love.
Because the truth is, if you are not intentional about your life, you will have to take what life gives you. And that is oftentimes lemons.
There are many ways to kickstart manifestation. You can journal, script, visualize, or use other tools to tap into your deepest desires.
Whatever works for you, practice it and watch good things come to fruition.