how to move on!
There is nothing more painful than the end of a relationship when it’s unwanted.
Especially if you were best friends and you still love him.
But when relationships end, it happens for a reason. After all, a happy relationship where everything was fine would not have ended.
And once you come to terms with that, there is only one important thing left to do – moving on from your ex.
See, a big part of the pain you feel during a breakup is not about your former partner, but about the fantasy relationship, you created in your mind.
You don’t miss him, but you miss who you wish he had been.
Because if you are honest with yourself, you don’t wish for the old relationship back the same way it was. You wish you could have a changed, improved, and more healthy relationship.
One where things work out the way you hoped they would. But that relationship never existed.
And now you are asking yourself “ how do I move on from my ex?”
While time does not heal all wounds, you can use the time to implement a few simple steps. By being intentional about your healing process and focusing on your mental health.
In this post, I am sharing how to move from your ex.
How do you move on from someone you still love?
Before we get into the 5 tips on how to move on from your ex, I thought it’s best to discuss a special scenario of heartbreak.
And that is how to move on from someone you still love.
A breakup in itself is already hard, but if your heart still wants to be with the other person it can get even more complicated.
And I’m not even gonna front, as I’m writing this I’m listening to Snoh Aalegra to truly connect with my heart.
See, I am (finally) over my ex from a past relationship. And trust me when I tell you that it took a long time to get here.
And in order to give you the raw truth and write this post on how to move on from your ex, I had to go to extreme measures and connect to those old feelings.
I know what it is like to break up with someone you thought was “The One”, especially if you still love them. It feels like the end of the world is near!
But I also know how important it is to let go of someone to find happiness with a new partner.
The truth is, the main reason why we hold on to the previous relationship, is because we don’t think there is new love out there for us. But I can assure you that is not true.
I am in a loving relationship with a new boyfriend and know now that my ex was the wrong person for me.
You have to trust that God can provide new love. Not just any love, but the type of love you have been looking for with the right person for you.
How to move on from your ex
1. Avoid comparison
When you break up with a romantic partner, it is very easy to start comparing your life now to your life with him.
You are tempted to look at his social media accounts to see if he is happy. You see him spend time with family members and close friends and start getting into your head.
Next thing you know you think of all the reasons why his life is so much better than yours and how he doesn’t seem to miss you.
But as we all know “comparison is the thief of joy”. There is no winner or loser in a breakup. Because both of you are hurting, but processing it differently.
Therefore, comparing how you deal with heartbreak to how he does is not a good idea. It’s just keeping you stuck.
If you truly want to get over him, you have to stop comparing.
- Stop comparing your life as a single woman to your life in the relationship
- Stop comparing his highlight reel on Instagram to your behind the scenes
- Stop coming yourself to his new girlfriend (if he has one already)
2. Forgive him
Going through a breakup is a b*$%#!
No matter who breaks up with whom it always stings and stirs up negative emotions, including anger.
If you broke up with him, you are angry because he did not live up to your expectations. And if he breaks up with you, you are angry, because you didn’t want this.
No matter the circumstance, there are always negative feelings. And in order to move from your ex, you need to acknowledge it, let it go, and then forgive him for the pain he caused.
Yes, girl you heard me right. You have to forgive him.
Not for his sake, but for yours. You have to forgive him so that you can let go of that baggage, heal and move forward with your own life.
But how do you forgive your ex for what he did?
By putting yourself into his shoes and genuinely connecting with the fact that both of you are imperfect human beings.
For that, I use a specific exercise:
- Just like me, he is figuring out what he wants in his life.
- Just like me, he is scared of making the wrong decision.
- Just like me, he is learning how to love.
Doing that exercise I realized that just like me he did not have all the answers and did not mean any harm.
That helped me to extend grace. I was able to accept the breakup, let go of the blame, and forgive him.
And once I was able to forgive, I was able to move on from my ex-boyfriend and attract a new relationship.
3. Look for peace
One thing we can all agree upon is that a broken heart brings up a lot of worry and anxiety.
Especially if you have an anxious attachment style.
Your inner self constantly feels overwhelmed and stressed. You experience a lot of mental and physical pain, as well as fear of uncertainty.
The best way to get through this difficult time is by looking for peace. And as a single Christian woman, I can confidently suggest looking for peace in God’s word.
As Philippians 4:7 says:
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Tap into God’s peace and love and watch the feelings of sadness and worry vanish. Keep your eyes on the little things in your everyday life that remind you of His presence. Maybe it is your family, your home, or your work.
4. Invest in your relationship with yourself
One of the best things I did after my breakup that helped me to move on from my ex, was to immerse myself in this blog.
Because this blog mostly talks about dating, relationships, and being single I spent a lot of time learning about these topics. I researched the psychology behind love and breakups but also used the time to improve my relationship with God.
It was a very tough time but also beautiful.
Eventually understanding myself better and why God broke up my relationship, helped me to truly accept that the relationship was over.
Investing in a relationship with yourself outside of a man helps you detach your identity from him and get to know yourself better.
You become more aware of your needs and wants and how you can meet them. The goal of moving on from an ex is to gain clarity and understand what to do differently in your next relationship.
5. Break the Soul Tie
I believe that we create emotional bonds and spiritual connections, called soul ties with the people we love. And depending on how close the two of you were, that connection may be hard to break.
But it is necessary you do break it.
Unless you break the soul tie to your ex-boyfriend, you run the risk to get an emotional reaction every time something happens in his life.
It triggers strong feelings, vivid dreams, and painful memories.
Therefore, breaking a soul tie is very important and should not be disregarded. I know people who never really paid attention to it and ended up suffering for years after the breakup.
They were unable to let go of him and always hoped to get their ex-boyfriend to want them back. Which then kept them from finding love again. Their soul remained in bondage and therefore their life was lived on standby.
And I don’t want that to happen to you.
That’s why I created the Untangling Soul Ties Worksheet. It’s a one-page worksheet that will help you identify and untangle your soul tie and bring you one step closer to letting go of your ex.
How do you get over an ex you still love?
Remember how I said earlier that in order to move on from someone you love, you need to remember that there is another great man out there for you?
Well, in order to let go of someone you love, you need to remind yourself of why you can’t be together.
The relationship fell apart for a reason. By remembering that reason and understanding that the two of you were just not compatible, you make letting go easier.
Because, I hate to break it to you, but love alone is not enough. You need commitment and compatibility to make a relationship work.
When should you let go of an ex?
The universal rule is that you should let go of an ex in half the time that you were together. Meaning if you dated for one year, it should take you up to 6 months to overcome the breakup and move on.
I can tell you from experience that that is easier said than done.
When you experience a beautiful, intimate relationship with someone that you have never experienced before then letting go of an ex is not that easy.
That’s when it can take longer to get over an ex.
In my case, it took more than a year to get over a relationship that only lasted 8 months. I still loved him and therefore had a hard time moving on.
That was until I decided to let go of my ex and used the activities outlined in The Soul Tie Recovery Workbook to move on.
How to let go of an ex who has moved on
Once my ex moved on with someone new, I realized that holding on to him was pointless and keeping me stuck.
So I actively started researching “how to let go of an ex you still love” and used those actions to overcome the heartbreak.
Here are some of the things I did to get over my ex.
1. Cut off all contact
I figured we should start with the hardest things first. I know the thought of the person you love never playing a role in your life again hurts.
After all, you used to talk to him every day. And now, nothing.
But just like a bandaid, it will hurt less if you do it quickly.
If you want to stop obsessing over your ex and his new life with someone else, then you have to cut all contact with him and his family.
You have to initiate the no-contact rule! Yes, you heard me right.
I know sometimes you want to hold on to his Instagram in the hopes he will slide into your dm and profess his love to you. Or you want to keep in touch with his sisters hoping that they will continue to lobby for you in your absence.
But the less you see or hear of him, the faster the memories of him will fade and you will be able to move on.
And that is the goal.
2. Make peace with the past
The next step that helped me to let go of my ex was to make peace with the past. Meaning that I reminded myself daily that it’s natural for things to come to an end.
I know we want a soulmate connection that lasts forever. But some relationships are not meant to be. And even then they can still add to our lives.
I want you to think of your ex as a person with a mission in your life. Maybe you needed him to learn how to love, or maybe you needed him to learn how to be independent.
Whatever it was, he has served his purpose, you learned your lesson and now you have to move on.
3. Forgive yourself
Forgiving yourself after a breakup is a topic that is rarely discussed. Which I find odd because so many women deal with shame and guilt when a relationship ends.
Whether you regret sleeping with him, falling for his games, or wish you would have acted differently, blaming yourself for how things ended will not change anything.
Therefore, holding on to it is not productive.
As a matter of fact, it’s actually counter-productive. Because it keeps you in bondage to an event you can’t change anymore.
As long as you keep re-living the relationship you continue to fuel the emotional connection to him.
Instead, you have to accept that it happened, forgive yourself for it, and then craft a plan to avoid a similar situation in the future.
But what do you do if you have been trying to get over your ex for months or even years and now want to start dating someone new?
Should you date if you still love your ex
No. It is not wise to start dating if you still love your ex. Simply because you will not be genuinely interested in making the new relationship work.
Unless you are completely healed from your last relationship, you will use the new relationship to distract yourself from the old one.
And sooner or later you will subconsciously sabotage the relationship because you still love your ex.
Remember the saying “hurt people, hurt people”. So, if you are still hurt and entering a new relationship, you will only end up hurting that new person.
So instead, take the time to break your soul tie with your ex and then move on when you are completely free.
Do most exes get back together?
Now, this is the million-dollar question. Because even though you want to move on from your ex you also secretly pray that God brings you two back together.
Again, I know, because I have been there.
And if you know my story, then you know that my ex and I did get back together for a while. After 1 1/2 apart, we eventually reconnected and decided to try again.
So, yes, it’s possible. But it’s not the norm. And I wouldn’t recommend it to be honest.
Studies show that 29% of couples get back together with their ex. For some people, it works out, for others it doesn’t.
Either way, in order to get back together with your ex, change needs to happen. Change in behavior, in action, and most importantly a change in attachment.
Rather than being anxiously attached to him, you need to learn to feel secure with or without him. Which can only happen when you break the unhealthy soul tie to him first and find true happiness again.
Which is what I did. The process took multiple weeks and was really hard. But I was successful.
I completely released my unhealthy emotional attachment to him and started feeling happy and whole again, months before we got back together.
I started feeling hopeful again and knew love was on its way.
And I want that same for you. I want you to feel happy and hopeful again. Free of bondage and able to move on with your (love) life.
That is why I created my FREE untangling soul ties worksheet. A simple one-pager, designed to help you take the first step towards breaking your soul tie. You can download it FOR FREE here