The one thing that summarizes me growing up in Germany as a black child to African immigrants is feeling different.
Every school I went to I was always the only black kid. From elementary school to middle to high school and even in University.
The only black kid.
And as you may remember in the 90s in Germany and many other parts of the world, dark-skin black was not exactly the beauty standard.
This meant that I would often hear my peers make fun of my looks and openly share how I was at the bottom of their list of desirable girls in the class.
And as you might know as a girl yourself.
Feeling desired by boys when you’re young is important. Because in contrast to men we are conditioned to believe our worth comes from our beauty.
Which meant that never being desired by these young boys, made me think that I was ugly.
And I kind of just accepted it as truth for many years. Because accepting it felt easier than trying to change things.
That was until I moved to the U.S. for the first time in my life in 2009 for an internship abroad.
From the moment I stepped off the plane something was different. The stares, the attention, the men. They all seemed to acknowledge me differently. With interest and attention.
And for the first time in my life, I realized I was someone’s type.
Suddenly, I was pursued by men for my beauty and my body. And I loved it. The attention was exciting and promising. So much so that I wanted to keep it in any way I can.
I got into a few short-term relationships and many situationships over the course of the next 5 years. But no matter how much of myself I gave to a guy I couldn’t seem to keep his attention.
In a way, I still wasn’t valued enough to be committed to.
Every time a guy would ghost me or move on to another girl, I would ask myself “Why am I not good enough?”.
Until one day in 2015, I broke down under the weight of despair from yet another failed situationship.
I was done. I was exhausted. I was depressed.
So I did something I had never done before. I prayed to God. But not the simple everyday prayer I would say from time to time.
I prayed to God from a place of repentance. I cried I begged, I talked with him.
And right there and then I started my journey to get close to him.
For the next 3 years, I turned my life around completely. No more sex, no more dating around. Much more God!
It was amazing.
So amazing that when an opportunity arose to work in ministry and move to Atlanta for 2 years, I jumped on it.
That’s also when my blog was born in July 2017. justinemfulama.com was supposed to be a blog about my travel and faith walk.
That’s it. Just me sharing with the world how I was growing my relationship with Christ as I travel the world.
The more I gave God my life, the more I felt loved and satisfied. The only problem was, I still didn’t feel worthy.
For some reason, my mind didn’t feel like I had value until I was chosen by someone, and by that, I don’t just mean anyone, I mean “The One”.
I became so encompassed by the idea of finding the man God had for me and proving that I was worthy to be a girlfriend, or ideally a wife.
I got into a relationship with a person I thought was “The One”, who I loved dearly and tried to convince of my worthiness.
While he didn’t mean any harm, his indecisiveness took a big hit on my self-esteem.
Every time he wouldn’t commit to the next stage of the relationship, I would make it mean something about myself.
Maybe I’m too thick. Maybe I’m too boring. Maybe I’m too demanding. Maybe I’m not good enough.
Questions I would ask myself constantly for the 3 years we were on and off.
Until we split up for good in the summer of 2021.
And even though I entertained a relationship that was not good for me, it helped me understand myself and men better.
It became the fuel for this blog. My hardest lessons were transformed into some of my best pieces of content such as:
And by the end of the relationship. My blog had grown to more than 4 million page views.
And now I get to work as a blogger full-time!
Learning about dating & relationships became my passion, but more importantly, sharing about it became my purpose.
One of my major questions in life has been around questioning God, whenever a relationship didn’t work out and I felt abandoned.
Every time I would cry and ask God why he allowed me to be in such pain. And every time he would lead me back to Matthew 6:33:
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
When I was younger I never understood what he meant. But now it makes sense.
I teach and share from a place of experience and everything I went through in my dating and relationship life I use in this blog.
Whether it’s the moment I understood that I was idolizing marriage or the moment I learned how to build back my self-esteem.
Everything is on here. Inspired by life, purposed by God.
And while I’m not perfect, I know I am a vessel for Christ.
And as I continue on my path of understanding my worth in Christ, I’m taking you along.
I want you to know that as long as you put Christ first, everything else will be added and will make sense eventually.
So, if you want to become part of this community make sure to subscribe to my newsletter and send me an email so I can hear your story.
P.S.: I also blog over on 4chairstyles.com, where I share advice on natural 4c hair. Come and visit!