What is a situationship
I don’t like to call myself an expert a lot. Because it’s very rare that I know enough about one specific topic to share “expertise”.
However, when it comes to situationships it’s different. I am an expert in getting into situationships.
Like many other women in the 21st century, I was in a lot of situationships during my 20’s. Some lasted weeks and some lasted months. However, all of them had one thing in common.
They drained my energy and made me feel so insecure!
And like most other women I did not like to admit that for a long time. But heck we have all been there. We have all invested way too much in a man before, knowing very well that the relationship had no title whatsoever.
I repeated that cycle for many years until I met my boyfriend. We started out as a situationship too. But this time I knew how to go from situationship to relationship.
And I share the details on how to do that in my book From Situationship to Relationship. Download the 1st chapter FOR FREE here!
So, if you are looking to find out how to know you’re in a situationship AND how to end it, then read on.
Situationship Meaning and Definition
First things first. According to the urban dictionary, a situationship is defined as:
A relationship that has no label on it.. like a friendship but more than a friendship but not quite a relationship.
Anybody else confused? Good! Because that is what people in situationships usually are.
It’s one of these new school terms used to explain a relationship that does not have a traditional label.
Yet, somehow everybody involved knows what it is. And with plenty of situationship memes on Instagram and Twitter, it’s really hard to miss the movement.
But here is how I define a situationship.
What is a Situationship?
A situationship is the twilight zone between a platonic friendship and a romantic relationship that two people enter into.
Oftentimes you are having sex without a commitment, while simultaneously referring to each other as “just friends”.
Unfortunately, the problem with situationships is that you often feel anxious and frustrated. Because contrarily to a real relationship you have no security, consistency, or reliability whatsoever.
As a matter of fact, let’s look at the difference between a situationship vs a relationship.
Situationship vs Relationship
The main difference between a situationship and a relationship is that there is no commitment.
Both of you are free to date other people. You are not officially boyfriend and girlfriend and therefore do not have to meet each other’s requirements and expectations or assume the responsibilities of a partner.
That’s why a situationship is oftentimes very attractive to men (and women). You get to enjoy the benefits of a romantic relationship without the responsibilities of it.
Situationship vs Friends With Benefits
The difference between a situationship vs friends with benefits is much more clear than to a relationship. When you are friends with benefits you are occasionally hooking up and do not need to be friends.
Maybe you had a one-night stand once and enjoyed it so much that you now casually meet to have sex. You don’t stay overnight or meet up to Netflix and chill. Heck for all I know you might not even know his last name.
A situationship on the other hand feels legit because you spend time together without having sex. You may go for breakfast the next morning or hang out to go see the movies. As mentioned above, it pretty much feels like you’re dating without the title.
How long do situationships last?
There really is no timeline for how long a situationship will last. What usually happens is that one of the two (usually the woman) catches feelings and initiates the ‘what are we’ conversation.
Sometimes that conversation goes well and both people decide to make it official. However, more often than not, the conversation goes left and you part ways.
If you are strong and know what you deserve, you stay away for good or at least until he is willing to enter into a committed relationship.
If you are already too invested, it takes a while to really let go of him.
Either way, a situationship usually only lasts, if both people have no desire to be together.
How do you know if you are in a situationship?
Still not sure if you are in a situationship? Here are 10 telltale signs you’re in a situationship, that will help you discern once and for all.
1. He doesn’t commit to plans
One of the great characteristics of a man that is truly ready to be your boyfriend is that he will commit to plans beforehand. When he is excited about an event, a festival, or a party two weeks from now he will want you to join him and make sure you are aware and available.
A man that is only looking for a situationship will ‘hit you up’ last minute, with a non-committal ‘what you up to tonight’.
Sometimes without a follow-up text lol!
Therefore, the first sign that you are in a situationship is when you do not know when you will see the other person again because he has not committed to any plans.
2. He is inconsistent
Probably the most staple behavior of a situationship is also the most hated term in dating – ghosting.
You are definitely in a situationship if the man you are seeing or talking to ghosts you on a regular basis. Meaning he will pop in and out of your life without warning or explanation.
There is no consistency in how often you see each other or talk to each other. Sometimes you don’t hear from him for weeks at a time, because he is MIA and does not respond to text messages or phone calls.
That behavior is a sign that he is not serious about the ‘relationship’ and prefers his freedom. Meaning that he deliberately acts unreliable, so that you cannot expect more from him.
3. Conversations are boring (surface level)
Conversations in a situationship tend to stay on the surface level. Rather than talking about your dreams, fears, and insecurities you stay in shallow waters and discuss your hobbies, friends, and work.
That is because a situationship thrives when there is no ‘real’ emotional investment. No vulnerability means no closeness and no closeness means it will be easier at the end to part ways.
The only problem with that is that women tend to catch feelings faster than men and are prone to fall for someone even in situationships.
So, if you find yourself talking about the same ole stuff every time you meet, then that’s a clear sign that he does not want to open up to you and considers it a situationship.
4. Your gut tells you something is off
Ladies, I can’t say this often enough, but if you think you are in a situationship, then you are in a situationship.
If you repeatedly feel anxious or stressed by the ‘situation’ because of the uncertainty and ambiguity, then it’s because your gut is telling you that this is not a real relationship that you can rely on.
One of the primary needs of a woman in a relationship is security! Knowing that you are physically and emotionally safe. A situationship does not guarantee that. On the contrary, it actually leaves you out in the open wondering what you can and cannot do or say in order to protect yourself.
Therefore, you know you’re in a situationship when your intuition tells you.
5. There is no commitment
You would think this point is obsolete, but you’d be surprised how often I get the following question.
‘How do I know if I’m in a situationship if we never talked about our relationship status?’
Baby girl, you just answered your question with your question.
Have you never discussed your relationship status but feel like you need to? Then it’s because you are already participating in activities that traditionally belong in a committed relationship.
You are definitely in a situationship if you do not have a commitment from the other person. But you are acting like boyfriend and girlfriend when you are together.
In essence, the only thing that differentiates a situationship from a relationship is that both people sat down and discussed the terms of their relationship. What they expect from each other and what they are willing to contribute to each other’s lives.
Also called a commitment.
Unfortunately, commitment is rarely the outcome. All a situationship does is put an expectation on you to keep acting like a girlfriend when you are really not.
Thankfully that does not have to be your story.
My boyfriend and I were in a situationship until I learned how to go From Situationship to Relationship. In a matter of weeks, we got into a committed relationship, even though when we first met he did not want a girlfriend.
So it is possible.
And I share the exact steps in my book From Situationship to Relationship. You can pick up a FREE copy of the 1st chapter here.
6. He tells you that he does not want a relationship
I hate hate hate that I have to bring up this point in most of my articles, but it seems like a lot of women need the reminder.
If a man tells you he does not want a relationship, then that means he does not want a relationship!
And all you should do is believe him. Do not try to change him, convince him or guilt-trip him into the opposite, because it will not work.
So, it’s very simple if the guy told you he is not ready to be in a committed relationship and you decided to remain in the situation anyways then you are officially in a situationship.
Because he is doing what is right by laying the cards out and you can exit stage left if you want to.
7. You keep the relationship private
People in situationships have no labels. You are not his girlfriend and he is not your boyfriend, however, when you try to explain what you are to someone it gets tricky. Because a simple ‘he is a friend’ excuse is not enough.
That’s why a lot of people keep situationships private or even a secret. No pictures together on social media, no outdoor dates, and no introducing each other to friends and family.
Women do so out of shame that others will judge and men do so out of fear that another dating interest may find out.
However, we all know that when you have to keep something hidden it’s usually not a good sign and in this case, it’s a sign that you are in a situationship.
8. You hide your feelings and emotions
One of the main reasons I hate situationships is because you get paranoid. You constantly fear that something is wrong and ask yourself ‘does he like me?’, ‘am I boring?’, ‘is he gonna leave me?’.
And in an effort to avoid coming off too clingy you now try to play it cool, by never bringing up your feelings or expectations. Which only makes the situation worse.
The secret to a healthy relationship is that both people honestly discuss their feelings and expectations with each other. They know that putting themselves first and openly communicating their own needs to their partner, will ultimately improve the relationship and not harm it.
In a situationship, on the other hand, women tend to worry that expressing their emotions will turn men off. Therefore we often suck in all our resentment and anger until we explode.
9. He is never your +1
Following the fact that you keep the relationship private, it is no surprise that he is never available when you have important events or social gatherings to go to.
Showing up in public as your +1 indicates to the world that y’all are an item. And that’s a problem if he wants to keep his options open and flirt or meet with other women.
Therefore, a tell-tale sign that you are in a situationship is when he comes up with all types of excuses as to why he cannot join you for important events such as birthdays, cookouts, or work parties.
10. You only show affection when you are alone
Every girl who has ever been in a situationship can relate to this. When you are in a situationship with someone, the physical chemistry is dialed down to zero when you leave the house.
No holding hands, no hugging, and no kissing. It’s as if you two are good old friends from kindergarten, close but not that close.
There are no signs whatsoever that you two of you are a couple and some might even argue if you like each other. However, that changes once you are behind closed doors.
Individuals in a real relationship show each other affection on a regular basis and are not afraid to touch each other, because they have consent.
So, if you feel weird showing him your affection when you are outdoors, then that’s a sign that you are in a situationship.
Now that you know the signs of a situationship it’s important to understand the rules in a situationship.
If you decide to entertain a situationship, even though you secretly want a relationship, then you have to play by the rules or will seriously get hurt.
The other person is not your boyfriend/ girlfriend.
No matter if you guys do relationship activities and it feels like you share the same feelings unless you have an intentional conversation agreeing to be in a committed relationship you cannot expect him to take care of official boyfriend business.
You have to pay attention to their words and actions.
Don’t let your emotions cloud your judgment. It’s very easy to catch feelings for someone you spend a large amount of time with, which makes situationships so hard to navigate. However, your feelings for them are not enough to make it work, so don’t let your heart run your brain.
He won’t change unless he wants to.
No matter how much you try to prove, convince, and argue your way into girlfriend status. Unless he is ready and willing to make it work, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. So don’t waste your time and effort trying to evangelize a guy that has already made up his mind, and go find someone that is looking for the same things as you.
By remembering each of these three situationship rules, you avoid falling for someone that is not ready to be your man. And if you decide he is just wasting your time trying to make you wait for him to get ready, then it’s time to end the situationship.
That’s why you can download the 1st Chapter of my book FOR FREE here.
Walking away from a situationship
1. Do a reality check
In order for you to truly go through with the situationship breakup, even if you never officially dated, you need to get yourself into the right headspace.
You can do so by being honest with yourself and admitting that the guy you are seeing does not want to be with you. If he did, he would have made it official already.
So honestly ask yourself these questions:
- Is he treating me like I deserve to be treated?
- Is this the type of relationship I TRULY want (or am I compromising)?
- Am I really in love or am I just infatuated (and projecting my desires onto him)?
These are most likely the questions you have been avoiding but are so crucial.
So, make it a point to say them out loud in front of a mirror or journal them. This will help you to admit what you have been sensing in your spirit all along.
Because the earlier you understand and accept that, the earlier you can move on.
2. Prepare yourself mentally
This step should follow immediately after the first one. Once you asked yourself the questions mentioned above and answered them honestly. You now have to come up with statements that affirm your decision to end the situationship with him.
Statements that will remind you WHY it is important to stop pursuing this man and WHY he is not doing you any good.
I personally like to be hard on myself and not sugarcoat anything. So, I will tell myself something like:
He does not want to be with me and there is NOTHING I can do to change that.
That sentence takes the blame away from me and helps me realize that all my tricks to get him to commit won’t work, because it’s not me, it’s him.
So, write that statement down and repeat it throughout the day whenever you think of him or your mind tries to tell you lies about how he may at one point eventually maybe perhaps possibly potentially happen to change his mind.
3. Have an honest conversation (What to say to end a situationship)
This is where things usually get hard because we all fear the dreaded relationship talk. Instead of tackling the problem head-on, we look for ways to get out without it.
But that’s not how it works.
The most effective way of walking away from a situationship is by having an honest conversation where you state why a situationship does not work for you based on your desire for a committed relationship.
You can do that in-person, on the phone, or even via text.
Ideally, use a pre-crafted text script that you can use to convey exactly what you mean respectfully and carefully. That will allow you to end things completely and get out of the situationship now.
4. Cut him off completely
The last step is the one thing most women try to avoid, but there is no getting around it.
You have to cut him off completely, even if that means you won’t get any closure!
Why? Because if you are completely honest with yourself it’s just another attempt to get him to “understand” you and eventually change his mind.
But like I said before. He does not want to be with you and there is NOTHING you can do to change that.
So, stop all communication. Delete and block his number. Delete and block him on social media or take a break from Instagram yourself.
And lastly, avoid any events or activities where you might bump into him until you are truly over him. Because any interaction with him may lead to a relapse where you find yourself on the same rollercoaster you just exited.
And if all of that feels very harsh to you, then remind yourself that just because you delete and block him it doesn’t mean you hate him.
It just means that you are putting yourself first and are avoiding any situations that could compromise your mindset and actions.
While walking away from a situationship may seem hard at first, it really isn’t. Because you know have to move on from the situationship. Which can be pretty painful.
Funny enough, even though a situationship is not a real relationship, breaking up still feels the same.
Getting over someone you never officially dated, is just as hard as getting over a boyfriend. Because you most likely were emotionally and/or physically intimate and developed feelings for him.
Therefore, you have to treat a situationship breakup like a real breakup and do the following:
Reflect on the situation
Just like any other romantic breakup, a situationship breakup is painful too. And if you know my blog, then you know that I’m all about self-reflection and personal growth. Therefore, one of the best tips I can give you on how to get over a situationship is to reflect on the friendship.
After you cut all your ties, it is important that you do the work to become your best self as a single woman.
Use the newfound gaps in your daily schedule to reflect on why in the world you allowed yourself to get caught up in a situationship. Because we all know that unless he is an Oscar-nominated actor there are red flags that revealed that he is not the one.
So ask yourself: Did you purposefully ignore the red flags? Was your desire to be in a relationship stronger than your desire to stick to your standards?
Or did he tell you from the beginning that he doesn’t want a relationship and you lied to yourself that you could do it without catching feelings?
Yea, you see where I’m going with it…
Whatever, it is that led to it, identify the role your subconscious thoughts played and seriously deal with these limiting beliefs.
Focus on yourself
Of course, there is no way I would end this post without pointing out the importance of self-love and self-care. Because that’s what unhealthy dating and relationship patterns boil down to.
How much do you love and respect yourself if you put yourself in that situation?
In order to truly end a situationship and get over it, you have to learn to put yourself first. Your own well-being, your own happiness, and your own life.
Find out what makes you happy and how you like to feel on a daily basis so that you can discern easier when something or someone doesn’t feel good to you. That way you will not get into a situationship again because you won’t allow a man to disturb your peace and happiness again.
Lean on the support from friends and family
And last but certainly not least, you have to seek the company of your friends and family when you are getting over a situationship.
Spending more time with your loved ones can help distract you and cheer you up in the time of grief. Being in the presence of people who love and cherish you will give your self-esteem a much-needed boost after weeks or months of uncertainty and remind you of what love is supposed to feel like.
If needed, you can even seek out a dating coach or therapist to help you spot the dating patterns that lead to the situationship in the first place.
Taking care of your mental health after walking away from a situationship is the best thing you can do now.
But what if you don’t want to end the situationship and get the feeling that he is ready to be with you?
How to go from Situationship to Relationship
I get asked “Can you go from situationship to relationship?” all the time.
The short answer to this question is yes!
You can turn a situationship into a relationship if both of you are willing to. It’s not always easy, because a lot of men do not want to give up the perks of a situationship for the perceived problems of relationships.
But if he likes you and believes that a relationship with you is more attractive than his single life, he will. And I know, you are wondering “How can I get him to see that?”. Well by making him feel like he won the lottery and connecting to his heart.
The only way to make a man want to commit is by showing him that a relationship with you is the life upgrade he has been waiting for.
And no worries, it’s not as hard as you might think. Remember, I used to be the queen of situationships.
I would go from one situation to the next, always praying that this time we would become more than just friends (with benefits).
Well, 99 percent of the time it did not happen until that last situation I was in with my now boyfriend.
That one ended differently.
We successfully transitioned into a committed relationship, because I finally learned how to take my relationships from casual to committed.
I go into detail about how I did it in my book “From Situationship to Relationship”.
In it, I share the exact steps I took to go from casual hangouts and just “kicking it” to intentional time together and a commitment. What might sound easy now, wasn’t easy at all.
Not because of him, but because of me. I needed a complete mindset shift before I was even ready to demand what I deserved.
And of course, I want the same for you!
That’s why you can download the 1st Chapter of my book FOR FREE here.