Walking away from a situationship
I don’t like to call myself an expert a lot. Because it’s very rare that I feel like I know enough about one specific topic to share “expertise”.
However, when it comes to situationships it’s different. I am an expert in getting into situationships.
Like many other women in the 21st century, I was in a lot of situationships during my 20’s before I learned how to get into a committed relationship.
Some lasted weeks and some lasted months. However, all of them had one thing in common. They drained my energy and made me feel so insecure!
And like most other women I did not like to admit that for a long time. But heck we have all been there. We have all invested way too much in a man before, knowing very well that the relationship had no title whatsoever.
And while getting caught up in a situationship is oftentimes involuntarily, staying in it is not.
The problem with situationships
Instead of packing my bags and moving on to someone that is ready to commit, I used to stay in the hopes that he would change his mind.
I thought if I just prove to him that I am good enough to be his girlfriend, he will surely choose me.
However, I can assure you that unless you break off the situationship there will be no change. Because as long as he feels like you will stick around no matter if it’s official or not, he won’t see the need to change.
I mean why would he? You are giving him what he wants without asking for anything in return. Sounds like a sweet deal to me.
The problem is, however, if you don’t end it soon it will only get harder and harder because you are getting emotionally invested.
And I know how hard it can be to break things off with someone you truly like and feel you are compatible with.
My boyfriend and I started out as a situationship too.
Thankfully, I learned how to go From Situationship to Relationship and turned things around. Which is what I share in my book.
So, if you are looking to get into a committed relationship then download the 1st chapter of my book for free here.
How long should a situationship last
Before you even master up the confidence to end a situationship, you might ask yourself if you really gave it your all, right?
Did you invest enough time, effort and patience? Or should you hang in there just a little longer?
The question then becomes “When is walking away from a situationship the right thing?”.
Well, here is the thing. Oftentimes it’s not a point in time that will tell you whether it is time to end things or not, but it is your mental well-being that does.
One of the tell tale signs for when you should leave a situationship is when you start to feel anxious.
In the past, I would start to feel uneasy about the guy I was seeing because I knew I was in way too deep while he was pretty detached. I constantly wanted more but refrained from saying anything out of fear that that would scare him off.
Thus the constant anxiety.
So you have to ask yourself: Is the situationship relationship meeting your needs or not? Do you feel heard, valued, and satisfied?
If you prefer casual dating and enjoy the ease of being friends with benefits over a committed relationship with responsibilities then a situationship may be for you.
However, if you secretively desire to be in a relationship. But are staying in the situationship relationship because you hope you can change him, then you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.
And it is time to move on from the situationship.
In short, when a situationship stops serving your needs, that’s when you need to choose yourself and let go. Otherwise, the situationship can become toxic and do a lot of harm to your self-confidence.
What is a toxic situationship?
As mentioned above, we usually don’t start dating with the goal to be in a situationship. However, somewhere in the dating process, we have decided to settle for one in the hopes that it will turn into a real relationship.
So, for weeks you talk yourself out of wanting a relationship. Because the last thing you want to do is be the girl who was “needy”, “too demanding”, or “not fun”.
After all, why rush right? Let’s just see where it goes.
Unfortunately, for so many of us agreeing to a situationship causes more damage than we think.
Because it leaves so many important aspects of a real relationship, such as boundaries, expectations, and the future out of the loop it can dramatically harm your mental health.
I know for me, because of all the uncertainty surrounding it I often used to feel like I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough. I started to discount myself because no guy ever wanted to commit to me.
Which then lead to a decrease in self-esteem and loneliness.
Situationships will often leave you feeling like something is wrong with you, which then makes it harder to attract a healthy relationship in the future.
That’s why today I’m sharing with you the steps for walking away from a situationship.
Walking away from a situationship step-by-step
1. Do a reality check
In order for you to truly go through with the situationship breakup, even if you never officially dated, you need to get yourself into the right headspace.
You can do so by being honest with yourself and admitting that the guy you are seeing does not want to be with you. If he did, he would have made it official already.
So honestly ask yourself these questions:
- Is he treating me like I deserve to be treated?
- Is this the type of relationship I TRULY want (or am I compromising)?
- Am I really in love or am I just infatuated (and projecting my desires onto him)?
These are most likely the questions you have been avoiding but are so crucial.
So, make it a point to say them out loud in front of a mirror or journal them. This will help you to admit what you have been sensing in your spirit all along.
Because the earlier you understand and accept that, the earlier you can move on.
2. Prepare yourself mentally
This step should follow immediately after the first one. Once you asked yourself the questions mentioned above and answered them honestly. You now have to come up with statements that affirm your decision to end the situationship with him.
Statements that will remind you WHY it is important to stop pursuing this man and WHY he is not doing you any good.
I personally like to be hard on myself and not sugarcoat anything. So, I will tell myself something like:
He does not want to be with me and there is NOTHING I can do to change that.
That sentence takes the blame away from me and helps me realize that all my tricks to get him to commit won’t work, because it’s not me, it’s him.
So, write that statement down and repeat it throughout the day whenever you think of him or your mind tries to tell you lies about how he may at one point eventually maybe perhaps possibly potentially happen to change his mind.
3. Have an honest conversation (What to say to end a situationship)
This is where things usually get hard because we all fear the dreaded relationship talk. Instead of tackling the problem head-on, we look for ways to get out without it.
But that’s not how it works.
The most effective way of walking away from a situaitonship is by having an honest conversation where you state why a situationship does not work for you based on your desire for a committed relationship.
You can do that in-person, on the phone, or even via text.
Ideally, use a pre-crafted text script that you can use to convey exactly what you mean respectfully and carefully. That will allow you to end things completely and get out of the situationship now.
4. Cut him off completely
The last step is the one thing most women try to avoid, but there is no getting around it.
You have to cut him off completely, even if that means you won’t get any closure!
Why? Because if you are completely honest with yourself it’s just another attempt to get him to “understand” you and eventually change his mind.
But like I said before. He does not want to be with you and there is NOTHING you can do to change that.
So, stop all communication. Delete and block his number. Delete and block him on social media or take a break from Instagram yourself.
And lastly, avoid any events or activities where you might bump into him until you are truly over him. Because any interaction with him may lead to a relapse where you find yourself on the same rollercoaster you just exited.
And if all of that feels very harsh to you, then remind yourself that just because you delete and block him it doesn’t mean you hate him.
It just means that you are putting yourself first and are avoiding any situations that could compromise your mindset and actions.
And that’s it. These are my steps on walking away from a situationship. They did work wonders for me and helped me break off situationships that truly weren’t good.
How to move on from a situationship
Lastly, but not least, just because a situationship is done, doesn’t mean it’s over. Ending a situationship is one thing, but getting over a situationship is a whole other thing.
You can get tempted to wonder whether walking away will make him realize he missed you. But I beg you not to think of him and how he may feel.
I know it’s hard because you secretly hope he realizes your worth and comes back to confess his love. Girl I have been there.
But now it’s important to put the focus back on yourself. And here is how.
Reflect on the situation
Just like any other romantic breakup, a situationship breakup is painful too. And if you know my blog, then you know that I’m all about self-reflection and personal growth. Therefore, one of the best tips I can give you on how to get over a situationship is to reflect on the friendship.
After you cut all your ties, it is important that you do the work to become your best self as a single woman.
Use the newfound gaps in your daily schedule to reflect on why in the world you allowed yourself to get caught up in a situationship. Because we all know that unless he is an Oscar-nominated actor there are red flags that revealed that he is not the one.
So ask yourself: Did you purposefully ignore the red flags? Was your desire to be in a relationship stronger than your desire to stick to your standards?
Or did he tell you from the beginning that he doesn’t want a relationship and you lied to yourself that you could do it without catching feelings?
Yea, you see where I’m going with it…
Whatever, it is that led to it, identify the role your subconscious thoughts played and seriously deal with these limiting beliefs.
Focus on yourself
Of course, there is no way I would end this post without pointing out the importance of self-love and self-care. Because that’s what unhealthy dating and relationship patterns boil down to.
How much do you love and respect yourself if you put yourself in that situation?
In order to truly end a situationship and get over it you have to learn to put yourself first. Your own well-being, your own happiness, and your own life.
Find out what makes you happy and how you like to feel on a daily basis so that you can discern easier when something or someone doesn’t feel good to you. That way you will not get into a situationship again because you won’t allow a man to disturb your peace and happiness again.
Lean on the support from friends and family
And last but certainly not least, you have to seek the company of your friends and family when you are getting over a situationship.
Spending more time with your loved ones can help distract you and cheer you up in the time of grief. Being in the presence of people who love and cherish you will give your self-esteem a much-needed boost after weeks or months of uncertainty and remind you of what love is supposed to feel like.
If needed, you can even seek out a dating coach or therapist to help you spot the dating patterns that lead to the situationship in the first place.
Taking care of your mental health after walking away from a situationship is the best thing you can do now.
Are you currently dating?
Did you just started dating someone and want to avoid the situationship trap?
Then my book From Situationship to Relationship can help. In it, I explain in detail how my boyfriend and I went from casual to committed. Get started by reading the 1st chapter for free.