Trusting God when a relationship ends
One thing most of us women have in common is that we all have been heartbroken before. I mean half of the articles on my blog are about breakups.
To this day I remember how much pain I felt after my first breakup. Every day, I would beg God to restore the “love” my ex-boyfriend and I had for each other.
And prayed for everything to go back to normal.
One week, two weeks, or even three weeks later and my ex had still not been touched by the Holy Spirit. He kept rejecting my desperate attempts to salvage the relationship, which in turn just made me more miserable.
So I got angry. For a long time, I was angry at my ex, and more importantly, I was angry at God.
You know that kind of teenage anger where you blame everybody else for your situation without ever assuming responsibility yourself. In my mind, I was convinced that my ex was “The One”.
Where did I go wrong?
Did I once again misread the signs from God about my dating relationships?
No matter how many bible verses about trust and patience I read, the verdict was out. My ex-boyfriend was not the right person for me. And I had to accept that.
Even though a “no” was not what I wanted to hear, deep down I knew it was the right decision. I knew how important trusting God when a relationship ends was to my spiritual growth.
And don’t get me wrong. These were hard times because I had developed such a strong soul tie to him. But I understand now that God’s plan for us is greater than a broken relationship.
So you may not be able to see it while you are in it, but believe me when I tell you that you will thank him later.
And to help you find comfort now, I am sharing some of my personal takeaways on trusting God when a relationship ends.
Why God will sometimes end a relationship
But before I share how I learned to trust God after a difficult breakup, let’s first look into some of the reasons why God may remove a relationship from your life.
1. It was only infatuation
Do you know the difference between infatuation and love? If not, then that might be one of the reasons why God said no to your relationship.
A lot of romantic relationships can be described as emotional, intense, and draining.
Some start off as a situationship and later on evolve into a committed relationship. However, they don’t have the right foundation in place.
A relationship that does not have a purpose, is oftentimes built on infatuation. That intense state of desire and attraction that you experience at the beginning of a relationship.
When you are in such a relationship, you often mistake infatuation and lust for love. You then start to make excuses, aren’t able to control your sexual desire, and settle because you want to be with him. Even if he is not God’s best for you.
But what is the difference between infatuation and love?
According to the Oxford Dictionary, infatuation is:
‘an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something.’
According to the Bible, love is:
‘patient, kind. It does not envy, it does not boast and it is not proud. It always protects, always trusts always hopes, always perseveres and it never fails.’ (Excerpt of 1 Corinthians 13)
To break it down a little further, when you are infatuated with someone during the honeymoon phase you feel like you are on an emotional high. You are blinded by your own desire for affection and their perfect appearance (so you think).
The only problem, neither the feelings nor your current state of being are sustainable and doomed to die down.
In contrast, when you are in love you agree to a long-lasting commitment to care for your partner. You are well aware of his flaws and don’t lean on him to make you happy.
Moreover, your love for him remains strong, even when the honeymoon phase is over.
2. The relationship became an idol
The second reason why God takes away a relationship is closely linked to the first one. But worth pointing out again.
And that is idolatry. Idolatry is something God repeatedly warns us about in His word.
An idol can be anything you desire more than God. It could be a physical object like money. It could be a status symbol like success or beauty. Or it could be the approval of other people.
For women, it is very often the desire to be married.
The idols speak deceitfully, diviners see visions that lie; they tell dreams that are false, they give comfort in vain. Therefore the people wander like sheep oppressed for lack of a shepherd. – Zechariah 10:2
If your past relationship was the highest priority in your life and dictated almost every aspect of it, including your time, your focus, your finances, and your walk with God then the relationship was your idol.
Mind you I’m not talking about the actual person (which is possible too). But I am referring to the relationship itself.
As someone who has a track record of getting into the wrong relationships (before I was serious about my walk with God). I can now honestly say that a lot of times I was in it for the wrong reasons.
My main driver for pursuing a relationship was oftentimes society’s pressure to be boo’d up. I was so needy and desperate to be in a relationship that I would try to make it work no matter what.
That made me compromise my core values and forget about my self-worth.
I repeatedly caught myself dropping my godly standards to accommodate a man’s nonsense behavior. I wanted to remain in a relationship so that I could showcase it to my friends on social media.
Stupid I know, but Instagram was life at one point.
So how can you avoid making an idol out of a relationship and withstand its influence?
By questioning your heart’s desire and getting to the root of it! Ask yourself why a relationship is so important to you and then give it to God.
Once you understand the joy that lies in following the will of God and direct all your worship toward him, you begin to love him so much that you refuse to pursue anything else.
And you will see that it will take less time to get over your ex.
3. You don’t know true Love
If you have been following me for a while, then you know I love sharing inspirational quotes. One day I came across the following and it made me think:
Most of us spend our lives trying to find love, trying to live in love but dying without ever truly discovering love.
This quote is taken from a chapter in Leo Buscaglia’s book “Love: What Life Is All About“. It describes a very basic human desire to love and be loved.
A quest every human being has been on at some point in his life. Even little babies long for proximity and emotional reassurance from their mother or father, which is provided through love.
At first, I connected with this quote because I felt like it described my past relationships very well. I thought back to the many times I had desperately tried to make painful situations work and failed.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this quote wasn’t talking about real love but it was talking about superficial love.
The small, limited, and worldly meaning of love used to describe a current relationship between a man and a woman.
However, real love is so much more than what we see in movies and transcends the human definition.
He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. – 1 John 4:8
As a believer, we have the honor to be in a relationship with the creator and author of love himself.
What God has done for us and how much he values each of our lives, is an act of unconditional love. When we give our lives to Jesus Christ we are blessed to truly discover God’s love.
A godly relationship will only work if you discover God’s true love for you. You have to learn to love yourself and your future spouse the way God does. That’s when you discover the power of real love.
Trusting God when a relationship ends
The first thing most of us ask when God takes away someone we love is: “Will God reunite me with my Ex?”
You are so desperate to get your ex back, that you do not take the time to truly reflect on the health of the relationship.
But as mentioned above when God will only end a relationship that doesn’t honor him or is built on the wrong foundation.
So before you ask yourself if God wants you to get back with your ex, ask yourself if the relationship was godly and healthy.
- Did you date with intention?
- Did your ex have a relationship with God?
- Did he have a purpose in life and for the relationship?
If you can answer all these questions with a yes then there is a good chance that the relationship is serving a bigger purpose.
But if the answer is “no” to most of those questions, then you should be happy and ask God to heal your broken heart, instead.
Remember that God works things together for your good and has most likely prepared a better person for you.
Can God save a broken relationship?
Yes, God can save a broken relationship and will if it’s in His plan for your life.
And I say this from experience because God did reunite me with an Ex before.
However, for that to happen God will still ask you to let go of your Ex first and surrender the relationship to Him. As long as you try to hold on to it, he can’t work in your life.
How do I trust God after a breakup?
Whoa, that’s a tough one. And honestly, it’s been an ongoing battle for me.
After my last big breakup, I felt really hurt and betrayed by God. I felt like he had tricked me into believing that my relationship would end in marriage, just to change his mind.
I didn’t get it. Why did He bring us back together, just to split us up again?
Now, one year later, I get it!
I’m in a new relationship where I’m experiencing genuine love and now understand how much I settled in my last one.
So how do you trust God after a breakup? By not leaning on your own understanding.
Like Proverbs 3:5 says, you have to abandon everything you believe to know and hold on to the knowledge that your heavenly father always has your back.
