10 Relationship Deal Breakers In Christian Relationships: Red Flags in Christian Dating

This blog post is a guest post by my dear blogging friend Alisha Blue from BecomeLess.net. Even though we have never met in person, we both share the challenges of being Christian Single Women in our late 20’s.

I was once told that the closer you get to your 30s, the more dating becomes like a game of musical chairs. When the music of your 20s stops, you will scramble to grab the nearest chair and settle down.

I laughed at the analogy in my early 20s, but now at 28, I see the reality of it.

One by one as your friends get into relationships, get married, and even begin to buy homes and start families – the pressure to settle down begins. And like musical chairs, you may find yourself scrambling to just pick someone and settle down

Even if there may be multiple relationship deal breakers.

Relationship deal breakers

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The below Bible Verses have been quoted from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

But before I dive into these 10 relationship deal breakers In Christian relationships and red flags in Christian dating, I want to start with this.

There is a certain man that will absolutely never be right for you – that man is a man who does not believe in the Lord!

He may be a good man (in the world’s eyes) – he may be kind, attractive, hard-working, and a family man. He may be everything you want in a man, but if he does not believe in Christ as his Lord and Savior…

That means he’s not ‘The One’ for you!!

Why? Because from the start you will be unequally yoked. When you are trying to honor the Lord in dating and marriage, he will feel no need to do the same.

It will be extremely difficult to maintain your faith in Christ in a relationship where your partner does not welcome Him. And ultimately lead to heartbreak

The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 6:14:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have in darkness?

And although Paul is not speaking specifically about marriage in this passage, what would we have in common with an unbeliever?

At our very core as believers is our faith in Christ and that person will not share that same core belief. We cannot yoke our lives with an unbeliever – no matter how hard we try.

What is a deal-breaker?

According to the Urban Dictionary: A deal breaker is ‘the catch’ that a particular individual cannot overlook and ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess.

What does that mean in Christian relationships and Christian dating? It’s a personality trait that ultimately does not honor God and therefore compromises the whole relationship.

That’s why for the Christian Woman that desires a God-honoring relationship there should be different ‘catches’ that you should not overlook in your search for ‘The One’.

Here is a list of 10 Relationship Deal Breakers In Christian Relationships.

10 deal breakers in a Christian relationship

1. He does not submit to Christ

Christ may be his Savior (meaning he professed his faith in Christ), but Christ may not be his Lord.

Ask yourself if he is actively pursuing a relationship with the Lord. Is he obedient to the Lord when He asks him to do something? Or does he believe that his own way is right and there is no need to listen to God?

In Christian relationships, that man (if you marry him) is supposed to be the leader of your home. How will this man lead you, if he refuses to submit to Christ?

Whether he will lead you and your family under Christ or not is up to him. Avoid getting yourself into a situation where God is not the leader of your life and future.

2. He is unforgiving

The basis of Christianity is love and forgiveness. Because we are saved through God’s grace, rooted in his love for us that made Him forgive all our sins.

In dating and marriage, you will make plenty of mistakes.

If your man still holds unforgiveness towards an ex, parent, or someone else who wronged him, there’s a high chance he will not be able to forgive you either.

In dating and marriage, we are called to:

be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave us. – Ephesians 4:32

Not putting in the effort to forgive should, therefore, be a red flag in a relationship with a man.

3. He is prideful

Ohh pride! The least desirable shortcoming to overcome. And even though we might find excuses as to why being prideful isn’t ‘that bad’, it can be a serious deal-breaker in Christian relationships.

If your man is prideful. He will have a hard time to admit when he is wrong and unwilling to apologize. Maybe his pride won’t allow him to forgive you of your current sins or past failures.

Or he may refuse to seek wise counsel as he feels that he always knows what is best. Or his pride may keep him from submitting to the Lord.

Proverbs 16:18 says:

pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before the fall.

Simply put, his pride runs the risk of destruction – including destroying your relationship or your marriage.

4. He is not in Community

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. – Proverbs 27:17

It’s in a community of believers where you are sharpened. And are challenged to live your life according to the Word. You are held accountable for your sins and the development of your faith.

It’s in the community with other Christians you are loved, prayed over, and encouraged to actively seek the Lord.

If he is not in community, he is missing all of this!

He’s missing out on other believers (particularly other men) to challenge him to live his life according to the Word. He is not being held accountable for his sins and the development of his faith.

He’s missing out on love from God’s people, prayer for his strongholds, and encouragement to seek the Lord even when it’s hard.

Christianity cannot be practiced alone – it’s practiced within the safety of community.

Isolating himself from the Christian community can hurt your relationship and should be one of the red flags in a relationship with a man. Trust me, you want the man in your life to be in community.

red flags in christian dating

5. Church is just not that important to him

There seems to be a growing trend of believers who do not believe in being part of a church. Very similar to not being in community, you should be wary of a man who thinks church is just not that important.

The church is Christ’s bride. So how can a person say they love Christ, but hate His bride?

Similar to being in community, this man will miss out on interactions with God’s people, hearing His Word, prayer, and encouragement.

Only if we are in community with other Christians will we be able to grow in our spiritual gifts and become more kind, patient, loving and forgiving with each other.

Which, in return, will develop him to become the godly husband God has called him to be and enable him to develop a beautiful relationship with you.

6. He treats his family poorly

Have you ever seen him disrespect his family, but you didn’t mind because he treats you great?

As great as that might seem, in reality, that should be a deal breaker dating for you and a major red flag in a relationship with a man.

I’ve been attending a series on Love, Sex, & Marriage these past few weeks. In this series, Pastor Jeremy Foster of Hope City states that the “in love” phase lasts about 6 weeks to 18 months.

After that, you begin to “normalize” a person.  Meaning you treat them like you normally treat everyone else.

So if he normally treats his family poorly and with disrespect, he will eventually treat you the same way! Your “special treatment” will only last for a period of time – after that, he will “normalize” you.

7. He pushes your boundaries

We are called to offer our bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God (Romans 12:1) and to flee from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18).

If he is pushing you to compromise sexually, it’s a red flag!

It’s clear that honoring God with his body and his heart are not his top priority. And being led to the bedroom will only lead to hurt and confusion.

You want to be with a godly man who is actively seeking to honor God with his body. Not to say that it will be easy – it won’t! As you grow closer together emotionally, so will your desire to grow together physically!

But as both of you grow in your walk with Christ, so grows the Holy Spirit in you, which will help you develop self-control, an important fruit of the spirit.

8. He is impatient

Have you ever thought about the fact, that marriage means two completely different people decide to become one?

Meaning, everything you became in the last 20 or 30 years now has to submit to and appreciate everything another person worked on for 20 or 30 years.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds hard!!! And I’m sure it is.

That’s why an impatient man should be a deal-breaker in a godly relationship. Not the godly man, that is constantly working on growing spiritually and becoming more patient as described in multiple Bible Verses about patience.

But the one that refuses to be more patient with you or people in general.

Why? Because girlllll life will try you at times and if he doesn’t know how to take a breath, say a prayer and move on, then your relationship will suffer.

9. He doesn’t speak the truth

Welp, I don’t know why I waited until point 9 to mention this. Pretty self-explanatory right? If you repeatedly catch him lying, your relationship can’t survive.

Dealing with someone that doesn’t speak the truth, will only hurt you. That’s not an assumption but a fact. And also something God doesn’t like:

The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy. – Proverbs 12:22

So if something is explicitly disliked by God, it is definitely a deal-breaker in Christian relationships.

10. He won’t define the relationship or move it forward

We’ve all been there before – that awkward space where we’re not sure where the friendship or relationship is going.

Whether we’ve been friends with a guy and it seems as if we like each other, but he won’t make us his girlfriend. Or we’ve been dating forever and he won’t commit to marriage.

I wish I could give you a one-size-fits-all answer, but there isn’t one. In those sticky situations, we really have to seek the Lord, pray, fast, and ask for wise counsel – and then be willing to do as God says…

Even if it means letting him go!

There could be a number of reasons as to why he is not defining the relationship or moving it forward, including:

  • A fear of commitment (due to a lack of seeing successful marriages or hurt from a past failed relationship)
  • A desire to keep his options open (which means he doesn’t think your God’s best for him)
  • Financial instability (wanting to have it all together first)
  • Or a stronghold (such as a pornography addiction).

Again, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. All you can do is seek God for the answer and do as He asks.

Are You Right For Him?

I write all these things not as a perfect woman or as a woman who has never struggled with pride, unforgiveness, attending church, sex before marriage, or a boatload of other sins.

I absolutely have! There is no such thing as a perfect woman.

But ask yourself if you exhibit any of the signs above and if your man would be lead to end the relationship because he identified the above red flags in Christian dating and if you might be the source of any of these 10 relationship deal breakers In Christian relationships to him. 

Go through a set of questions asking: Am I right for him? Am I the type of person I would want to be with?

Alisha Blue is the creator of BecomeLess.net (based on the verse John 3:30). She created BecomeLess.net to encourage single women in their pursuit to make Christ greater and themselves less. She currently lives in Houston, TX where she is a high school math teacher. When she is not teaching or blogging, she enjoys time with family and friends, taking photos, reading, traveling, and serving backstage at Christian events.

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24 Comments on 10 Relationship Deal Breakers In Christian Relationships

  1. Just thank you Justine & Alisha! I’m in my early twenties and its easy to fall into the same trap to go for the next best guy (like everyone else is doing) so we will be able to get married in the next 3 or so years at the “right” age. This week I saw an old friend again and the Lord just reminded me that the right one is worth the wait. Even if the timeline doesn’t fit the world’s. Thankkkksssss for this blogpost, it opens my eyes again to #becoming (Love, Sex and Dating an Andy Stanley sermon series) so that my future husband won’t find these dealbreakers in me. Many blessings !

  2. Hi Mariette, wow I’m really happy this blog post blessed you this week. It is always good to remind yourself to who and what God has called you throughout the years. Because you’re right – The right one is worth waiting for! Xx

  3. As a divorced woman nearing 40 I wish I had someone male me take a hard look at these qualities before I married. Come to figure out that he was an abusive man. Psychological, emotional, sexual…if I had listened to wisdom like this in my 20s I’d have saved myself and my children so much pain and heartache. I praise the Lord that I am made new and that He will use my pain to help others but yes, listen to this wisdom. Walk away. You may never know for sure if you did the right thing but not walking away and then realizing you are in an abusive relationship is NOT the better option. Trust me. Blessings to you and thanks for writing this thoughtful piece.

  4. Sarah, thank you so much for sharing this. So often, we younger women, ignore the warning signs because of our desire to experience something now. I always pray that I am future-minded in my decisions. Your story will be a blessing to many women, please keep sharing.

  5. Great advice. I wish I had read this before I got married. Take it from me, after 6 years in a marriage to a man who can be defined by most of the aforementioned “deal breakers,” it doesn’t get better, he won’t change, and nothing you say or do will make a difference. No amount of love, children, begging, pleading, counseling, bible studies, church services, book studies, pastoral meetings, polite conversations, heated arguments, or separations will change a man who doesn’t want to (and doesn’t think he needs to) change.

    Listen to that small, still voice warning you…I heard it, and I ignored it.

  6. Wow Christina, thank you for sharing! I’m no stranger to your situation as a very close family member found herself in that same marriage. I think as Single Women, we are oftentimes so blinded by the idea of marriage that we don’t consider the fact that we will be united with someone for the rest of our lives after that special day. So I pray that I will remember your words in the future!

  7. Great post! I think that these are valid points. It’s amazing how we as young women can sometimes work so hard on our personal walk with Christ but forget the importance of a partner that does the same. That seems like a miserable place to be in after feelings and emotions become involved. I remember times that I’ve dated and never felt like I could share my spiritual side with the guy and it bothered me so much. Needless to say, those relationships never developed into anything. But thanks so much for sharing, a lot of women need to know the importance of not settling!

  8. Aww thanks, Tiffany for sharing. I’ve been in the same situation so often before. That’s why I want us all to think wisely and not ignore God’s warning signs!

  9. Thanks you! God bless you always! I’m in my early twenties and just realized with this post that there’s some things that I have to fix in myself in order to wait the right guy to have them too… Almost two years ago someone told me “to stop trying to be perfect in order to find a man, and that I needed to low my expectations because I would never found a christian guy like how I want to, or I will end alone”, reffering that I needed to let no-christian guys to enter my life and gave them an “opportunity”… and at this moment and for a long time I thought that this person was right because I meet a lot of christian guys that fits perfectly with almost the whole list, but they said they where christians and go to church and all, but where really dark in the inside and just wanted one thing from me and it wasn’t marriage…. So, now I know is right to wait, that God will never leave me alone and I just need to keep looking for God and learning about him and someday all the wait will pay off. Blesses! Thanks!

  10. Hey Cloe, wow I’m so honored that God used my blog post to add to your revelation. Honestly, a lot of us girls can relate to every word you said. And I know it’s not easy. BE blessed!

  11. This is a really great post! Although I would like to share my story… when I met my now husband, I did not believe in God and definiently did not believe in Jesus. I remember driving in the car with him and he told me I was an idiot for not believing. We continued to date and long story short, I am now a Jesus loving woman! I thank God all the time for pushing my husband to continue to pursue me and continue to show me Christ.

  12. Hey Sara,
    wow thank you for sharing. And I love that your husband was able to wash you with the words of God. Even though I think we should not strive to be in an unequally yoked relationship, I strongly believe that God uses relationships to bring people to him.

  13. Your blog was spot on! I just separated from my husband of almost 3 years last week for every reason you listed! Although I am heartbroken, I know that one day God will send me a man who will put God as the center of our union. I am just so tired of lies and excuses- I am going to use this time to focus on strengthening my spiritual walk and know that this twisted road I am now walking will eventually lead me exactly where I am suppose to go! Continued blessings and keep up the great work.

  14. While I was reading through this article, I was shocked that I had exactly experienced almost all of these points. 8/10 of the points were just accurate. I just hoped I have read this earlier and called it off but I was too blinded by the thing we call “L❤️VE” and yes I do admit that my relationship with God weakened but that’s thing in the past and have learned my lesson. I had just been dumped by my ex and indeed the point that – he might have received Christ as his Savior but never his Lord. It should have already been a turning point to me when he said he didn’t want to come to church with me. Thanks for sharing this and I will definitely share this with my sisters in Christ and avoid making the same mistakes I did. God bless you. To God be the Glory!

  15. Amen, Elle.
    The past is the past. Now you have the unique opportunity to build the future.

  16. This is an amazing post. You’ve made so many great points here. I love the statement you said about our last 20 or 30 years is coming together with there’s. That we have to mix that and appreciate all of their work and ambition up to that point. I feel like a man that doesn’t have any one of these deal breakers is hard to find though. Thank you for sharing!

  17. i am so happy …this message came jus right in time …i am struggling with that kind og relationship but herr a kid is involved but am in a toxic relationship…advice me kindly…….but yu inspired me

  18. Hey Aryanna, please send me an email @justine.mfulama@hotmail.com. I’m not sure I’m understanding what you mean. Love & Light Justine

  19. This Blog post is EVERYTHING! I recently got out of a 2 year long relationship, and as hard as it was, I’m glad God led me to that decision. Reading these points just gave me the confirmation that I needed. I’ve decided to let go and just let God handle everything. So many times we tend to allow our heart and flesh to make our decisions for us, but it’s never worth it in the end. You just end up hurt, with a compromised relationship with Christ. Which is the worst feeling.

    Thank you for this Justine! 🙂

  20. Thank you for this article. It is wonderful advice to single women. However it saddens me to read all of the comments of the women justifying leaving their husbands because they “made the wrong choice” They seem to have forgotten that the Bible also says that God hates divorce and I although I am divorced myself I do now believe that God wanted me to stick it out and could have used my situation to bring about his perfect plan and His glory. Too much of our society thinks that they can just start over and it’s hurting our kiddos. : (

  21. I am still in the process of separation from my partner of 9 years. A man I love with all my heart, but he ticks every single one of the red flag boxes…my heart hurts, very much so! I am trying to “find my feet” and to follow the Lord’s direction for me.
    Unfortunately, following His direction means a bit of financial uncertainty and letting go completely of my partner.
    This partner helped me raise my daughters post divorce and has been their “dad” for the majority of their lives, so this is tough on them as well.
    Because I love him so much, I am also scared for him and want to help him become the man God intended him to be… But I am not the Holy Spirit, nor God Himself, so I can’t convict or convince him to give his life to Christ.
    In all honesty, I only made Jesus Christ my Lord about 2 months ago, so we were equally yolked for the majority of the relationship. But now that we are not, I can see clearly how many of these “red flags” I missed!
    Some of these are also red flags I need to work on and grow through, so thank you very much for putting that part in your blog as well.
    May you be blessed and know, that even in your mid 30s, God can decide to change your direction and bring you in line with His will, which means loving the right person and letting the wrong one go…
    Blessings to you!💕

  22. Hi, Rachel here.
    Thank you so much for this.
    I came on here over weighed by so many questions and everyone of them has been answered in DEPTH.
    Am going to Joyfully continue the Christ Life knowing am on the right path and Our Father is Faithful.
    How great it is to have a place to go and know you shall be Strengthened in the path of Christ.
    God continue to bless you.
    Ps, I hope this information is understood as intended especially for married partners who are facing difficulties, for we know when we render them to God, we are more than Overcomers.
    Also to add I don’t everyone’s situation so totally not Judging.⭐
    God Bless Us ALL.

  23. Hey Justine, I just finished reading your article, and though the intended audience was young women in the faith, as a young man I still found it quite edifying.

    As I read through the list I was trying to see if I would be someone who displays these red flags, as well as praying that the Lord would help me with the ones I know I have a tendency towards. I find it so easy to fall into selfishness or pride, and have a tendancy to try to take control of my own life and lean on my own strength and understanding instead of submitting to the Lord and letting Him lead my life. So much to work on improving

    Very good article miss, thank you for taking the time to write it. May God bless you and keep you in the center of His will

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