10 Relationship Deal Breakers In Christian Relationships: Red Flags in Christian Dating
This blog post is a guest post by my dear blogging friend Alisha Blue from BecomeLess.net. Even though we have never met in person, we both share the challenges of being Christian Single Women in our late 20’s.
I was once told that the closer you get to your 30s, the more dating becomes like a game of musical chairs. When the music of your 20s stops, you will scramble to grab the nearest chair and settle down.
I laughed at the analogy in my early 20s, but now at 28, I see the reality of it.
One by one as your friends get into relationships, get married, and even begin to buy homes and start families – the pressure to settle down begins. And like musical chairs, you may find yourself scrambling to just pick someone and settle down…
Even if there may be multiple relationship deal breakers.
But before I dive into these 10 relationship deal breakers In Christian relationships and red flags in Christian dating, I want to start with this.
There is a certain man that will absolutely never be right for you – that man is a man who does not believe in the Lord!
He may be a good man (in the world’s eyes) – he may be kind, attractive, hard-working, and a family man. He may be everything you want in a man, but if he does not believe in Christ as his Lord and Savior…
That means he’s not ‘The One’ for you!!
Why? Because from the start you will be unequally yoked. When you are trying to honor the Lord in dating and marriage, he will feel no need to do the same.
It will be extremely difficult to maintain your faith in Christ in a relationship where your partner does not welcome Him. And ultimately lead to heartbreak.
The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 6:14:
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have in darkness?
And although Paul is not speaking specifically about marriage in this passage, what would we have in common with an unbeliever?
At our very core as believers is our faith in Christ and that person will not share that same core belief. We cannot yoke our lives with an unbeliever – no matter how hard we try.
What is a deal breaker?
According to the Urban Dictionary: A deal breaker is ‘the catch’ that a particular individual cannot overlook and ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess.
What does that mean in Christian relationships and Christian dating? It’s a personality trait that ultimately does not honor God and therefore compromises the whole relationship.
That’s why for the Christian Woman that desires a God-honoring relationship there should be different ‘catches’ that you should not overlook in your search for ‘The One’.
Here is a list of 10 Relationship Deal Breakers In Christian Relationships: Red Flags in Christian Dating.
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The below Bible Verses have been quoted from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).
1. He does not submit to Christ
Christ may be his Savior (meaning he professed his faith in Christ), but Christ may not be his Lord.
Ask yourself if he is actively pursuing a relationship with the Lord. Is he obedient to the Lord when He asks him to do something? Or does he believe that his own way is right and there is no need to listen to God?
In Christian relationships, that man (if you marry him) is supposed to be the leader of your home. How will this man lead you, if he refuses to submit to Christ?
Whether he will lead you and your family under Christ or not is up to him. Avoid getting yourself into a situation where God is not the leader of your life and future.
2. He is unforgiving
The basis of Christianity is love and forgiveness. Because we are saved through God’s grace, rooted in his love for us that made Him forgive all our sins.
In dating and marriage, you will make plenty of mistakes.
If your man still holds unforgiveness towards an ex, parent, or someone else who wronged him, there’s a high chance he will not be able to forgive you either.
In dating and marriage, we are called to:
be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave us. – Ephesians 4:32
Not putting in the effort to forgive should, therefore, be a red flag in a relationship with a man.
3. He is prideful
Ohh pride! The least desirable shortcoming to overcome. And even though we might find excuses as to why being prideful isn’t ‘that bad’, it can be a serious deal breaker in Christian relationships.
If your man is prideful. He will have a hard time to admit when he is wrong and unwilling to apologize. Maybe his pride won’t allow him to forgive you of your current sins or past failures.
Or he may refuse to seek wise counsel as he feels that he always knows what is best. Or his pride may keep him from submitting to the Lord.
Proverbs 16:18 says:
pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before the fall.
Simply put, his pride runs the risk of destruction – including destroying your relationship or your marriage.
4. He is not in Community
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. – Proverbs 27:17
It’s in a community of believers where you are sharpened. And are challenged to live your life according to the Word. You are held accountable for your sins and the development of your faith.
It’s in the community with other Christians you are loved, prayed over, and encouraged to actively seek the Lord.
If he is not in community, he is missing all of this!
He’s missing out on other believers (particularly other men) to challenge him to live his life according to the Word. He is not being held accountable for his sins and the development of his faith.
He’s missing out on love from God’s people, prayer for his strongholds, and encouragement to seek the Lord even when it’s hard.
Christianity cannot be practiced alone – it’s practiced within the safety of community.
Isolating himself from the Christian community can hurt your relationship and should be one of the red flags in a relationship with a man. Trust me, you want the man in your life to be in community.
5. Church is just not that important to him
There seems to be a growing trend of believers who do not believe in being part of a church. Very similar to not being in community, you should be wary of a man who thinks church is just not that important.
The church is Christ’s bride. So how can a person say they love Christ, but hate His bride?
Similar to being in community, this man will miss out on interactions with God’s people, hearing His Word, prayer, and encouragement.
Only if we are in community with other Christians will we be able to grow in our spiritual gifts and become more kind, patient, loving and forgiving with each other.
Which, in return, will develop him to become the godly husband God has called him to be and enable him to develop a beautiful relationship with you.
10 Relationship Deal Breakers In Christian Relationships: Red Flags in Christian Dating
6. He treats his family poorly
Have you ever seen him disrespect his family, but you didn’t mind because he treats you great?
As great as that might seem, in reality, that should be a deal breaker dating for you and a major red flag in a relationship with a man.
I’ve been attending a series on Love, Sex, & Marriage these past few weeks. In this series, Pastor Jeremy Foster of Hope City states that the “in love” phase lasts about 6 weeks to 18 months.
After that, you begin to “normalize” a person. Meaning you treat them like you normally treat everyone else.
So if he normally treats his family poorly and with disrespect, he will eventually treat you the same way! Your “special treatment” will only last for a period of time – after that, he will “normalize” you.
7. He pushes your boundaries
We are called to offer our bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God (Romans 12:1) and to flee from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18).
If he is pushing you to compromise sexually, it’s a red flag!
It’s clear that honoring God with his body and his heart are not his top priority. And being led to the bedroom will only lead to hurt and confusion.
You want to be with a godly man who is actively seeking to honor God with his body. Not to say that it will be easy – it won’t! As you grow closer together emotionally, so will your desire to grow together physically!
But as both of you grow in your walk with Christ, so grows the Holy Spirit in you, which will help you develop self-control, an important fruit of the spirit.
8. He is impatient
Have you ever thought about the fact, that marriage means two completely different people decide to become one?
Meaning, everything you became in the last 20 or 30 years now has to submit to and appreciate everything another person worked on for 20 or 30 years.
I don’t know about you, but that sounds hard!!! And I’m sure it is.
That’s why an impatient man should be a deal breaker in a godly relationship. Not the godly man, that is constantly working on growing spiritually and becoming more patient as described in multiple Bible Verses about patience.
But the one that refuses to be more patient with you or people in general.
Why? Because girlllll life will try you at times and if he doesn’t know how to take a breath, say a prayer and move on, then your relationship will suffer.
9. He doesn’t speak the truth
Welp, I don’t know why I waited until point 9 to mention this. Pretty self-explanatory right? If you repeatedly catch him lying, your relationship can’t survive.
Dealing with someone that doesn’t speak the truth, will only hurt you. That’s not an assumption but a fact. And also something God doesn’t like:
The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy. – Proverbs 12:22
So if something is explicitly disliked by God, it is definitely a deal breaker in Christian relationships.
10. He won’t define the relationship or move it forward
We’ve all been there before – that awkward space where we’re not sure where the friendship or relationship is going.
Whether we’ve been friends with a guy and it seems as if we like each other, but he won’t make us his girlfriend. Or we’ve been dating forever and he won’t commit to marriage.
I wish I could give you a one-size-fits-all answer, but there isn’t one. In those sticky situations, we really have to seek the Lord, pray, fast, and ask for wise counsel – and then be willing to do as God says…
Even if it means letting him go!
There could be a number of reasons as to why he is not defining the relationship or moving it forward, including:
- A fear of commitment (due to a lack of seeing successful marriages or hurt from a past failed relationship)
- A desire to keep his options open (which means he doesn’t think your God’s best for him)
- Financial instability (wanting to have it all together first)
- Or a stronghold (such as a pornography addiction).
Again, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. All you can do is seek God for the answer and do as He asks.
Are You Right For Him?
I write all these things not as a perfect woman or as a woman who has never struggled with pride, unforgiveness, attending church, sex before marriage, or a boatload of other sins.
I absolutely have! There is no such thing as a perfect woman.
But ask yourself if you exhibit any of the signs above and if your man would be lead to end the relationship because he identified the above red flags in Christian dating and if you might be the source of any of these 10 relationship deal breakers In Christian relationships to him.
Go through a set of questions asking: Am I right for him? Am I the type of person I would want to be with?
Alisha Blue is the creator of BecomeLess.net (based on the verse John 3:30). She created BecomeLess.net to encourage single women in their pursuit to make Christ greater and themselves less. She currently lives in Houston, TX where she is a high school math teacher. When she is not teaching or blogging, she enjoys time with family and friends, taking photos, reading, traveling, and serving backstage at Christian events.