How To Discuss Abstinence With Your Boyfriend

You have been dating someone for a few weeks or months and decided to give the relationship a try. But in order to proceed with the relationship, you need to have ‘the talk’ and are asking yourself “How to discuss abstinence with your boyfriend”.

The simple thought of that conversation intimidates you. You start to imagine all the different left turns that that conversation can take and freeze.

Will he understand? Will he be on board? Will he be annoyed? Will he be angry? Will he break up with me? And these are just a few of the crazy scenarios I can think of.

Ideally, both of you are devoted Christians and have decided to be celibate before meeting each other, which makes him ‘The One’ of course. But what if that’s not the case?

Even in the Christian circle, you will meet men as well as women that have not yet been convicted about their sexual activity and refuse to give it over to God.

Yes, YOU might be able to control your sexual desires, but in order to have a healthy relationship, your partner needs to be on the same page as you.

That’s why today I’m sharing with you how to discuss abstinence with your boyfriend.

5 Tips how to discuss abstinence with your boyfriend

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The below Bible Verses have been quoted from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

1. Check your heart

Usually, I keep the most challenging point until the very end. So that you may read the whole post before getting uncomfortable. But this time I decided to hit with it first.

Before you discuss abstinence with your boyfriend, it is very important that you check your heart first. Ask yourself why you want to abstain from sex.

If it is because you want to manipulate him into marrying you faster. Then my friend you are definitely not ready to get married and should not even be in a relationship with him.

Instead trust God, that he will soften his heart, if the two are meant to be together.  

The main reason why celibacy should be your goal in a relationship is to honor God with your relationship and ensure that you put him first.

By practicing abstinence in a God-honoring way, both of you will be able to focus on the relationship. You will be able to increase intimacy outside of the physical connection.

And most importantly when you detect deal breakers in your relationship, you won’t prolong the break-up process, because you are having sex.

2. Acknowledge his struggle

While for women abstaining from sex is pretty much an option and no big deal. Men’s desire for sex runs wayyyy deeper.

According to a friend of mine not being able to ejaculate for a long period of time is almost like not allowing yourself to pee. Which sounds horrible to me.

Trust me I am not trying to find excuses for men to give in to their fleshly desires. But I also don’t want to undermine the specific challenge men have. That we women might not be able to understand or even comprehend.

Therefore, when you are getting ready to discuss abstinence with your boyfriend. Make sure to acknowledge the challenge he is facing.

Try to sympathize with it, without lowering your standards. Help him by doing some research on the topic. Find Christian men online or offline to point him towards.

This will help you create a safe place for him. Which will enable him to share with you when he is struggling. So that you can pray for him and ask God for supernatural strength.

How To Discuss Abstinence With Your Boyfriend

3. Understand the facts

While I am very well aware that the Bible says to abstain from sex until marriage (1 Corinthians 7:2) and that should be reason enough for you not to do it. I’m also all about practical Christianity.

Meaning I spend a lot of time researching and understanding why God intended sex to be exclusive to marriage and how abstinence in a relationship is actually a benefit.

As mentioned above, abstaining from sex leads to greater intimacy in your relationship. Contrarily to common believe, sleeping with someone only gets you close to them on a superficial, physical level.

Real intimacy comes from getting to know each other on a deeper level. And entrusting each other with parts of yourselves that you prefer to keep hidden.

When your boyfriend confides his dreams, aspirations, and fears to you, that’s when you know you’re really being intimate with each other.

Secondly, one of the most important benefits a Christian gains from waiting until marriage is actually a fruit of the spirit –self-control.

Developing self-control is not an easy task, especially in a time where we are taught that we can have whatever our hearts, bodies, and minds desire without committing to anything.

But as a Christian, we know that we can’t just go around indulging in sin. Therefore, being able to control such a ‘natural’ part of the human body, will teach you self-control. Not just in your love life but also in other areas of your life.

The next one is my favorite (you already know that when I say that, it means I suffered from it in the past lol).

Being able to discern God’s plan for the relationship without being manipulated by your own flesh and heart. But rather clearly see that he’s not the one for you

Us women, we tend to cling to the relationship if sex is involved. Because we are ashamed to have given ourselves to yet another man.

Men tend to cling to the relationship when sex is involved because they like the convenience and familiarity of it.

Leading both of them to prolong the break-up process even if God is clearly pointing out huge red flags in the relationship. Don’t intensify your soul tie by adding sex into the mix.

4. Don’t decide for the both of you

Decisions made in a relationship should be mutual agreements between two people.

I once read that ‘a woman can just decide to go celibate because it’s her body’. While I agree that you should do what you feel is right for you and your body.

Understand that ‘a man can just decide to exit the relationship because it’s his life’.

Make sure to discuss abstinence with your boyfriend as early as possible. This will give him a chance to follow suit or end the relationship.

Sharing your conviction and faith with him will allow him to understand you better. And present itself as an opportunity for God to work on his heart as well.

However, understand and prepare yourself for the possibility that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Don’t try to change his mind, beg him to stay or guilt-trip him through manipulation.

Instead, respect his decision and thank God for an amicable break-up.

5. Don’t wait until you are in Love

The hardest part about having the ‘no sex’ talk, is that you don’t want to hurt yourself and/or your partner.

That’s why waiting until you are in love to discuss abstinence with your boyfriend is too late. You risk to seriously hurt him with an ultimatum like that.

And ladies, I know some of you think that waiting for feelings to run deep before having this conversation is a smart idea. Because then you can ‘trap’ him easier. But trust me when I tell you that is NOT the move.

As a Christian woman, your goal should be to deal with the topic with integrity and kindness. Just as you hope to receive from him in return.

Same goes for your feelings. Don’t break your own heart, by making it harder than it should be. Instead, be brave enough to bring it up at the beginning of your dating season, courtship or relationship.

The earlier you discuss abstinence with your boyfriend, the more logical and rational the conversation will be.

5 Tips how to discuss abstinence in a relationship

Remember to include God when you discuss abstinence with your boyfriend, by praying before the conversation. Ask him to soften your boyfriend’s heart and to strengthen you to stand firm on your beliefs.


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14 Comments on How To Discuss Abstinence With Your Boyfriend

  1. I did very earlier than he break up with me. I thank God for that because I was praying asking God to if it is not the one, to make him run away from me. After our conversation I never heard from him, I guess that God had given me the answer.

    • This recently just happen to me, which is why I’m here, trying to cope with the fact, that someone I really liked and saw a future with pulled a ghost move on me. I would love to wait to marriage, that has been my dream my whole life, but now my goal is a deep, committed relationship. Sex is a very spiritual experience for me, and I can just can’t have that experience with anyone and development a real solid relationship before sex is how explained it. We were having a lot of intimate encounters and they were starting to get pretty intense, and I honestly take the blame for that, cause that probably played with his sexual emotions. Actually, I was playing with myself and starting to feel bad about what was going on, I prayed that if this this relationship is going to cause me to compromise my values and he wasn’t the right for this journey, take his interest away, then a week later he stood me up! I’m sad, but I got what asked for and better that it happen now, than after we had sex!!

      Thanks for this article…it really helped.

  2. We started dating for a while, things became very shaky, I initiated a break-up. But because he kept coming back and was always there no matter how much I ignored him, I felt God had a plan for us both. We got back together and at some point, we got to talk about celibacy. I wanted to remain celibate until marriage but he pointed out and was being honest about him not being able to carry through because of his sexual urges, how it might not be easy for him as he has had sex many times before and how it was so easy for him to get it anywhere else if he had such urges. He also talked about how it was easy for me to make such decision because I haven’t had the experience of sexual satisfaction and I agreed but I still stood my grounds. He asked if I didn’t think it was possible for him to change me and I agreed. It was at that point I knew things wouldn’t work out because I didn’t want to be changed. My values are my values. So I suggested we we ended the relationship and be friends who don’t feel obligated to one another because that was the healthhy way to go about it. He wasn’t happy about ending the relationship but I didn’t see us holding the same values so I had to stand my ground.

    • Wow I’m so proud of you for standing your ground. I personally know that it can be scary and emotional having to say no, when you are afraid the other person won’t stay. But God himself has a plan and will bless your decision.

  3. Thanks for the blog post. Im currently doing some research on purity cultures and evangelicals and found this. It’s an interesting read on male female relationships and the assumption that has been around since the start of the purity movement (think late 1800’s, we are all a product of our culture) that women don’t want to have sex as much as men. There’s also a large racist element about its roots as well if that matters. Thanks for the insight.

    • Hey Candice,

      Your research all spunds very interesting. Do you mind sharing your research regarding the product of our culture and the racist element please?

      Thabk you!

  4. I met him and we had our first proper date in a restaurant in my city. Our second date was in his city but I also went to his house before going out for the date. We got comfortable and because the attraction was mutual we got to kissing and he got carried away. I tried my best to kill the mood/ vibe sensitively without rejecting him.

    When it seemed that our hormones had calmed down, I told him I wanted to continue practising celibacy. He was confused and taken aback. I think we said very little about it and for the rest of our time together.

    On our next date we talked about it and he said he had thought about it and thought what we had together was worth too much and he couldn’t throw it away because of celibacy. I was so floored, I could have cried if I wasnt so hard headed. We continue strivig for this and he is super supportive, its encouragig and waems my heart ?

  5. Hey,thanks for this blog post.
    So i met the sweetest Christian man about two months ago and we connected perfectly,we started dating 2 weeks back after we had gone on several dates and the night he asked me to be his girl,i accepted but considering God comes first,i brought up the celibacy topic and he said we will do everything God’s way.The next morning he asked us to kneel and he prayed to God for us and asked God to be our guide through this..i cried all through the prayer coz it seemed unreal..I thank God so much for him and we are doing okay…I feel it that he might be the one.??

  6. What if you already have had sex and your boyfriend, and you live with each other, but now you are working on improving your relationship with God and walk the path of righteousness how do you have this talk.

    • Hey Yoli, you do the same as mentioned in this post. With the difference that you repent and work out a way to talk about it before. There is no guarantee that he will be down for it, especially because you live together. But it’s up to you to decide if you want to follow Christ wholeheartedly or not.

  7. I really thank God for this post. I’m a male and i live with my girlfriend. We work in same company, we do everything almost together but not to the glory of God. She’d tell me about quitting “sex” of a thing and i’d agree, later on, give in.. Like it just happened. So i decided to search for purity and i found this blog. And I’m ready to do whatever it takes to keep to it. Thanks so much.

  8. As a man, I want to clarify something. I hope this will be as helpful for men as for women. This statement is false: “not being able to ejaculate for a long period of time is almost like not allowing yourself to pee.”

    If a man feels this way, it means that he either is crossing his boundaries, has a lust problem, or is addicted to sex. In those cases, the man continually experiences sexual tension building up.

    If he is teasing his body through things like cuddling or kissing, he needs to acknowledge his weakness and give up what he must to be pure before God. If he experiences sexual tension from merely being around a woman, that is definitely a lust issue.

    You may hear men have issues regarding what the women wear or how they act. I think it is respectful for women (and men) to be modest. But, a man is capable of resisting lust even when confronted with a nude seductress. It may take him a while to detox and renew his mind in God to reach that point, but it is possible. Are men predisposed to be incapable of resisting sin? To say so places a lot of power upon women, and it simply is not true.

    If you are a man or are a woman dating a man who feels like he NEEDS sexual release, I encourage you to dig deeper into the root cause and to seek God. You can overcome it, but, if it is more than a simple boundary problem, it will take time to renew the mind.

    Anyway, I loved the article. With how sexualized and perverted modern culture is, there is a strong need for Christians to teach the proper role of sex and how to go about issues around it. Thank you.

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