how to tell my boyfriend I want to wait until marriage
You have been dating someone for a few weeks or months and decided to give the relationship a try.
But in order to proceed with a long-term relationship, you need to have a serious discussion about premarital sex.
And now you are wondering how to tell your boyfriend you want to wait until marriage?
Having that conversation is nerve-racking. Because thanks to social norms, waiting to have sex is not common anymore.
Of course, things are easier if you are both devoted Christians and decided to be celibate before meeting each other. But what if that’s not the case?
I’ve been in that situation before and figured this is a good chance to talk about it on my blog.
Whether you are planning to abstain for religious reasons or not, this post will help you figure out how to tell your boyfriend you want to wait until marriage.
1. Check your heart
Number 1 is the most important point and yet so many of us don’t do it.
Before you discuss abstinence with your boyfriend, it is very important that you check your heart first. Ask yourself why you want to abstain from sex.
If it is because you want to manipulate him into marrying you faster. Then, you my friend are definitely not ready to get married and should not even be in a dating relationship with him.
The main reason why celibacy should be your goal in a relationship is to honor God with your relationship and ensure that you put him first.
By practicing abstinence in God’s way both of you are able to focus on the relationship and create a connection through emotional intimacy rather than physical intimacy.
And most importantly when you detect red flags while dating, you won’t prolong the break-up process, because you are having sex.
2. Acknowledge his struggle
While sexual intimacy is less important for women in the early stages of dating, it is for men.
Of course, there are exceptions to the rule and many men know how to control their sexual desires.
But according to a male friend of mine not being able to ejaculate for a long period of time is almost like not allowing yourself to pee.
Which sounds horrible to me.
Trust me I am not trying to find excuses for men to give in to their fleshly desires. But I also don’t want to undermine the specific challenges men have that we women might not be able to understand or even comprehend.
But when you bring up your sex life, acknowledge the challenge he is facing. Try to sympathize with his life experience, without lowering your standards.
Help him by doing some research on the topic. Find Christian men online or offline to point him towards.
This will help you create a safe place for him. Which will enable him to share with you when he is struggling. Of course, you can also always pray for him and ask God for supernatural strength.
3. Understand the facts
While I am very well aware that the Bible says to abstain from sex until marriage (1 Corinthians 7:2), and that can be reason enough for you not to do it. I’m also all about practical Christianity.
Meaning I spend a lot of time researching and understanding why God intended sex to be exclusive to marriage and how waiting until marriage can also be a benefit in a committed relationship.
As mentioned above, abstaining from sex leads to greater intimacy in your relationship. Contrary to common belief, sleeping with someone only gets you close to them on a superficial, physical level.
Real intimacy comes from getting to know each other on a deeper level. And entrusting each other with parts of yourselves that you prefer to keep hidden.
When your boyfriend confides his dreams, aspirations, and fears to you, that’s when you know you’re really being intimate with each other.
Secondly, one of the most important benefits a Christian gains from waiting until marriage is actually a fruit of the spirit –self-control.
Developing self-control is not an easy task, especially at a time when we are taught that we can have whatever our hearts, bodies, and minds desire without committing to anything.
And lastly, being able to discern God’s plan for the relationship without being manipulated by your own flesh and heart.
Dating with purpose means you are staying objective and level-headed, which leads to much more success in the search for a life partner.
A lot of us tend to cling to the relationship if sexual intercourse is involved. Because we are ashamed to have given ourselves to yet another man.
That oftentimes prolongs a much-needed break-up and leads to a very messy soul tie.
4. Don’t decide for both of you
Decisions made in a relationship should be mutual agreements between two people.
I once read that a woman can just decide to go celibate because it’s her body. While I agree that you should do what you feel is right for you and your body.
Understand that a man can just decide to exit the relationship because it’s his life.
Make sure to tell your boyfriend you want to wait until your wedding night as early as possible. That way he can make a decision for himself and end the relationship if he needs to.
Remember, sharing your religious beliefs and faith with him will allow him to understand you better.
However, understand and prepare yourself for the possibility that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Don’t try to change his mind, beg him to stay, or guilt-trip him.
Instead, respect his decision and thank God for showing your that he is not the right person for you. Because if he were you two would be equally yoked and agree in the sex department.
5. Don’t wait until you are in love
The hardest part about having a frank discussion is that you don’t want to hurt yourself or your partner.
That’s why waiting until you are in love to tell your boyfriend you want to be celibate is too late. You risk seriously hurting yourself.
And ladies, I know some of you think that waiting for feelings to run deep before having this conversation is a smart idea. Because then you can convince him easier.
But trust me when I tell you that that is NOT the move.
As a single Christian woman, your goal should be to deal with the topic with integrity and kindness. Just as you want him to in return.
The same goes for your feelings. Don’t break your own heart, by making it harder than it should be.
Instead, be brave enough to bring it up to your new partner at the beginning of your courtship. The earlier you discuss abstinence with your boyfriend, the more logical and rational the conversation will be.
When should you tell a guy I’m waiting for marriage?
As mentioned earlier, you should tell a guy you’re waiting for marriage as soon as possible. I have a rule that any deal breakers have to be communicated within the first three dates.
Why?
On the first date, it’s too early, but by the third date, you know if you could see yourself in a serious relationship with him. So it’s the perfect time to bring up anything that could prohibit the relationship from moving forward.
In addition, if you are someone who tends to get attached to a guy too quickly, it’s a great way to make sure you don’t get yourself in a situation that oversteps your boundaries.
Is waiting until marriage healthy?
Yes, waiting until marriage is healthy. For men, it is said that semen retention has positive impacts on depression, motivation, and overall cognitive function.
And for women the absence of sex while dating dramatically lowers anxiety and neediness. Instead of feeling worried about your self-worth after you slept with your partner, you don’t.
Moreover, you are much more objective regarding your compatibility and can set clear boundaries to help you decide whether this is the right relationship for you.