How To Talk About Marriage With Your Boyfriend

Talking about marriage, ooh ooh. One of the most nerve-racking conversations in the world.

For both, men and women.

For women, because we fear rejection and the possibility of a breakup. And for men, because they fear to face the topic altogether.

How to talk about marriage with your boyfriend

The idea that he might have to give up his freedom and independence on a single day for the rest of his life, scares most men to death.

But what if you could bring up marriage in a way that does not stress him out or bring tears to your eyes.

In this article, I’m sharing with you my tips on how to talk about marriage with your boyfriend in 10 non-scary steps.

10 Tips for talking about marriage with your boyfriend

However, before you even attempt to ask your boyfriend if he wants to marry you, you should first ask yourself if you really want to marry him.

Is your relationship ready

To avoid jumping the gun, I suggest you first evaluate your relationship and ask yourself the following questions.

Why do I want to get married?

Truth is, there are good and bad reasons why people want to get married.

As a single woman, you might desire marriage because you feel lonely or believe it will bring you more happiness. The problem with these reasons is that you run the risk of idolizing marriage and setting yourself up for disappointment. 

Are we equally yoked?

One of the most important questions to ask yourself before you consider marriage, is whether you and your partner are truly compatible. While chemistry can ignite the romance and excitement, compatibility is what will guarantee the success of a long-term bond. 

Is our relationship healthy?

A healthy relationship is a relationship that is filled with love, joy, and trust. You and your partner should feel respected, cherished and safe enough to communicate openly about anything. After all, you want your husband to be your confidant.

What do I expect from marriage?

Make a list of the things that you expect from a husband or marriage. Next to each item write down where you got the idea from or heard about it.

Maybe it was a movie, something you read in a magazine, or your experience watching your parents. Wherever and whenever that believe was formed, make sure that it is not an unrealistic expectation you are risking to project onto marriage.

Am I ready to be a wife?

Last but not least, you want to do some self-reflection. Are you truly ready to give up life as you know it and commit for better or worse to your boyfriend?

Marriage requires both parties to sacrifice parts of their freedom and merge their lives. It’s a big step that brings a lot of change. Therefore, make sure you are ready to become a wife before you talk about the future with your significant other.

Truth is, discussing marriage with your boyfriend is inevitable if you desire to be married in the future. It’s a topic you should initiate rather early on in the relationship to avoid disappointment. But how early is too early?

how to bring up marriage

When to talk about marriage

The timing of the conversation is probably just as important as the structure of it.

Truthfully, the best time to bring up marriage in a relationship is when the two of you are in a stable relationship. In that phase, you discuss future plans for your relationship on a regular basis and feel comfortable sharing your dreams, hopes, and goals with him. 

Different couples will reach this stage at different times in their relationship and therefore you can’t put a time stamp on it.

However, if marriage is important to you, I suggest you bring up the marriage discussion early on in the relationship/dating phase. That way you avoid falling for someone that does not share the same values as you. 

How to talk about marriage with your boyfriend

One of the many reasons why you might delay marriage talk is because you are unsure where your partner stands. By using the following steps you can bring up the topic in a respectful and appropriate way that does not put pressure on him.

1. Don’t set an ultimatum

Whoever thought giving someone an ultimatum was a smart idea really needs to take a seat.

Why? For two reasons.

First, it is very rude and demanding to tell a man that he has to make a decision right now about whether or not he wants to marry you. Because one thing you need to understand is that men DO NOT THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE as much as women do.

While most women think, plan and breathe marriage from the day they receive their first Barbie and Ken set. Men simply don’t.

If anything, they occasionally dream about playing football, basketball or soccer with their future son. That’s it!

So, for you to demand a decision to a question he might never have asked himself right here and now, is straight-up inconsiderate.

Reason number 2 why setting an ultimatum is not a good idea, is because it’s an important decision that affects both of your lives forever. And that should not be rushed.

Instead of setting an ultimatum, you should bring up the topic in a casual conversation and ask him to think about it. That way the next time you bring it up he is not caught off guard.

bringing up marriage in a relationship

2. Be honest about your desire for marriage

Men are not stupid. They know that marriage and kids are on your mind…a lot. And if you are like me then you probably melt every time you see a baby in a stroller. It’s obvious!

That’s why it is important you are truthful about it. If you have been dating for a while and believe it is time to talk about the next steps, don’t be scared to bring it up.

Be honest about your desire for marriage and kids and how you see that in your (near) future. Again, don’t set an ultimatum, but let him know that you need him to think about it.

And if it is important enough for you to end the relationship, be honest about that too. Show him that you value yourself a lot and want to honor a desire that God put inside of you for a reason.

Remember that one of the key attributes of a healthy relationship is that both partners keep a sense of self-sufficiency, self-value and independence. And as a single woman, your own joy and peace should always be your priority.

3. Ask for his thoughts and fears

One important tip on how to talk about marriage with your boyfriend is to encourage him to open up.

For a man to desire to commit to you in marriage he needs to feel like you provide a safe space for him to be vulnerable and truthful. And the topic of marriage is probably the best to show him that you respect his feelings.

While it might sound silly or immature to you, your boyfriend’s fears about marriage are very real and intense to him. Encourage him to share these with you and find out how you can eliminate them.

He might be worried about divorce because he has seen it in his immediate circle. If that is the case, discuss what he thinks are deal breakers in a relationship or marriage and would lead to divorce.

By taking his thoughts and fears seriously and discussing them beforehand, you make the topic less stressful to him.

And once you understand what prevents him from taking this next big step, both of you can come up with a process and timeline that allow him to work through these fears.

4. Ask him about his plans for the future

Okayyy. I strongly believe that couples should talk about their plans for the future, even before they get into a relationship. But if you never had the chance to do that, now is a great time.

Yes, now!

Find out what his plans are for the next 1, 3 or 5 year(s). Ask questions like: Where would you like to live? What age would be a good age to get married? At what age would you like to have children?

Don’t just interrogate him but share your plans and vision for the future too.

If his plans for the next 5 years totally deviate from yours then this might be a good indication that your relationship won’t last.

I know this one is a scary one because you fear that he doesn’t see you in his future.

But isn’t that the point of this conversation? Wouldn’t you want to know and more importantly move on if he doesn’t see you or marriage in his future?

Find out rather earlier than later.

how to ask your boyfriend if he wants to marry you

5. Tell Him he is The One

Simple but effective: Tell him he is the one. All too often, couples talk about marriage like an abstract part of their lives without any outlines.

You might have established the fact that both of you eventually might maybe want to get married, but never talked about the details.

Why?

It is important that you outright share that you see him as your future husband and not some ideal man in your dreams.

Be bold and let him know that his personality and character traits are what you are looking for in a husband. Give him time to digest the information and encourage him to respond.

Ideally, he will reflect on the conversation and confess the same to you. 

Make sure he actually sees you as his potential wife. Don’t wait for an argument to find out years later that he only likes/loves you but doesn’t really think you are the one.

It happens, and it hurts.

6. Communicate your Expectations

The beauty of sharing your dreams for marriage is that it gives you room to share your expectations too.

Let him know that you expect faithfulness, respect, love and all the other good stuff and that you will return the same to him.

A marriage is a commitment that needs to be honored and cherished. In order to do that you will have to establish a set of rules that allow both of you to experience that.

By telling him in advance what you expect from marriage, you give him the chance to consider whether or not it is a commitment he wants to enter.

7. Pray about it

Everything we speak and do should be led by God. Therefore, I strongly believe that important conversations should always be consulted with God first.

So, plan in a week or two of prayer and fasting before the conversation. Seek God’s word to study marriage, biblical womanhood and love.

Make sure that you are in it for the right reasons and not making an idol out of marriage.

Also, pray for your partner to have an open heart for the conversation. And for yourself to have an open heart for his answers.

8. Practice the Conversation

Remember when you were a teenager and decided it was time for your parents to increase your monthly allowance?

Well just like teenagers tend to practice that conversation carefully considering every possible question, collecting important proof why they deserve it and preparing for different outcomes.

You need to do the same! Practice the conversation and think about all the possible questions and outcomes:

Questions: Why now? Why Him? Why You? Why Marriage?

Outcomes: What if he wants to wait? What if he doesn’t want you? What if he is stressed?

Trust me, the better you are prepared the better you will master this conversation.

9. Give him time to think

The best way to avoid getting emotional, getting into an argument or making hasty decisions is by giving him time.

Once you have voiced all of your thoughts and he had the chance to receive it, end the conversation by deciding on a day you will resume the topic.

Agree on a specific date that you will come back together and brainstorm. That might include some of the points mentioned above or a heartfelt one on one.

how to talk about marriage before proposing

10. Don’t get too emotional

Haha one thing you might not know about me, is that I’m a cry baby!!!

I get sobby and emotional at every movie and am the worst when I get into arguments. But one thing I have learned is to resist the feeling to cry when I’m having a grown conversation, especially in a relationship.

Now here’s the thing. I don’t think crying is bad. Not at all, actually. It’s one of the beautiful things about being a woman and being in tune with your emotions.

However, crying makes men uncomfortable. And being uncomfortable is something they try to avoid by all means.

Meaning, if you cry every time you have an honest conversation and it doesn’t turn out the way you want. His default behavior will be to avoid the (uncomfortable) situation altogether. And as mentioned above that is the exact opposite of what you want.

You want him to feel comfortable enough to share his honest and vulnerable thoughts about the topic, without having to fear your reaction.

So, whatever you do, try not to cry even if the outcome is not what you expected.

How to talk about marriage with your boyfriend

Discussing future plans with your boyfriend can be a lot of fun. And if you follow the above steps on how to talk about marriage, I am sure you will enjoy the conversation.

How to talk about marriage with your boyfriend.

16 Comments on How To Talk About Marriage With Your Boyfriend

  1. Hi Justine!
    Just wanted to thank you for sharing God’s wisdom through your blogs. I’m currently in a relationship where I need wisdom, guidance, courage to do what is right. Reading through your blogs, I found myself being more confident in pursuing God’s will in my relationship. THANK YOU!

    • Hey Jojo,
      that’s amazing! Take heart and trust God. You will see he will give you the courage to choose the right thing.
      Blessings,
      Justine

  2. I loved this article and yeah I’m kinda young I will be 16 in about 4 months and my boyfriend is 16 he’s always been one year older than me but by the time I’m 16 he will be 17. The thing is I’ve known him since middle school and that’s a long time I’ve alway liked him from the start but was too scared to tell him so when I recently got to this school in March of 2019 we reunited and we recognized each other from the start we got back on track and waited three months then we started dating because he finally told me he liked me and always have so that kinda made me insecure a lot because I’m over here looking like why didn’t you tell me before that could have been a good 5 year relationship and now we’ve been together for 4months and I really see him in my future but how do I tell him he’s the one? PS I’m a quiet girl sometimes so I keep opinions to myself.

    • Hi Keyara, I think for now you should take it slow and just get to know him as a boyfriend. Having a crush on someone is very different than actually being together. At 16/17 you can enjoy the fact that you do not need to rush and prioritize your education, your relationship with family and friends and your dreams for the future.

  3. Hi Justine
    Thank you for this article it helped me a lot just trying to process my feelings. I Have been dating the same guy for 4 years and we actually got married in 2016 but got divorced in 2018. I haven’t seen anyone else and we are still trying to get on the same page but it has been really rough. He was married in the past and has 3 kids that are teens now and I have a six year old from a previous relationship. I met John when my daughter was 2 and we fell in love and became a family quickly. I wanted to have more kids and just live a happy life together but it ended up he wouldn’t have any more because it was too complicated since he had cancer years back and he already got a vasectomy. The thing is he promised me he would be able to have the vasectomy reversed so we could have children of our own as long as our marriage was strong. More time passed and I got depressed because I wanted children and he couldnt handle it and it led to divorce. We still are together but it isn’t a great relationship since I moved out because there is resentment and I still just want to have kids and have a family. He to this day says well if your honest and I can trust you and you treat my kids loving and you are making money and not overspending then I will go to the doctor. I just feel like I am running out of time now that I am in my mid 30s and my daughter is 6 and I am at the point I feel like I should move on and try someone e new. I feel like i will ln never be good enough to have a family with him. But i am so hurt thinking about walking away because there is love and my daughter thinks of him as her dad. I am just so lost by this . Thank you for listening.
    Avery

    • Hey Avery, I’m sorry that you are going through that. But I believe the root is that you are not confident that you are good enough. The only way for you to attract real love is by believing you are worthy to be loved.

  4. Hi, am 22, my boyfriend and i have been dating for 1 year now, we talk about the future but not marriage, children…am worried about it because i dnt want to scare him or make us uncomfortable. I love him very much and i trust him but lately my trust for him is going down for no obvious reason, i some times suspect him even without obvious reasons. What do i do.

  5. Is it silly of me for thinking about marriage? My boyfriend and I are 17, we love the Lord and have very similar ideas for the future. Our way of meeting was crazy and the Lord definitely had a plan. I really feel in my heart that he is the one, so my future with him is on my mind a lot. I know he really loves me and has no intention of breaking my heart, but I don’t know if he thinks about or see’s himself marrying me – I’m too scared to ask for all the reasons you named. Am I even too young for thinking about this? What are your thoughts?

    • Hey Faith, that’S such a great question. Do I think you are too young to think about marriage? No! Because obviously you are thinking about it. But do I question if you are truly ready for marriage? Yes. I think it is a good idea for the two of you to talk about it and see where your thoughts are. But I also think you should learn more about what it means to get married. Maybe talk to your parents or women in your community to understand that marriage is more than just kids, love, and companionship. And find out how it will affect the rest of your life. I’m sure that will help you gain a clear idea. Love & Light Justine

  6. My boyfriend proposed marriage to me before we started going out. I will like to still ask him about his stands for marriage now. I am ready for marriage but I don’t know how to ask him. I am 27 and he is 33.

    • Just ask him. If you really want him to become your spouse you will have to learn to be honest and vulnerable with him at one point. Now is the time to start.

  7. Hey Justine,

    Can I person contact you on email ? So impressed and found you as a light in the darkness..

  8. Thanks a lot for such an amazing post! I wish I’d have read your post earlier before talking to my bf. I am 35 a and we he is 39 and we are together for 4 years and living together for 3 years. It’s been couple of days that I talked about marriage with my bf. I have not brought up the topic so far because of the all reasons you named. However, the urge of having kid didn’t let me procrastinate it anymore. He freaked out after I mentioned about marriage and
    clearly expressed that he is not a marriage guy! He believes that he is happy with me and want to have kids too but he doesn’t see any necessity to get married. I tried to make it clear that it’s a deal breaker for me and if he can’t offer what I want I have to leave him and even I suggested me to move out that we can settled down on thing easier. He was cool about it and he assured me we will figure out a way!!!! What irritates me that after that conversation he’s behaving such nothing happened. For instance, we have been searching to buy a new flat together for about 2 moths and he still keep searching and asking me to join him to view that flats! Do you have any thoughts on that?

    • Hey Gianna, thank you for this great question. Your challenge is nothing new and I think that your behavior now will decide whether or not you get what you want or not. But do you know what you want? Do you just want to be with him or actually be married? Once you are clear on that you have to make a decision and go for it. Love & Light

  9. Hello,
    I know this question may be coming a tad bit late, but I’m just finding your blog. Me and my boyfriend have been together officially for almost 3 years, we have a beautiful one year old, and live together. I’m ready to walk down the aisle, like yesterday. We’ve talked about the future like buying a house and he’s said that Marriage will be before that, but we’ve literally done everything backwards so far. How do I let him know I want to get married now without him feeling like I’m pressuring him.

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