signs he wants to break up
I’m officially two months post-break-up and finally ready to tackle the uncomfortable truths around my last relationship on my blog.
If you know me, then you know that I believe we women always know when something is not right. We know how to tell if someone is the one… or not. Because we have our intuition, which is the holy spirit speaking to us. A powerful sixth sense that tells us when something is off.
Especially in our own relationship!
The truth is, that I could tell my ex-boyfriend was going to end the relationship weeks before it actually happened. How? It was the little things that gave it away. The way he would speak to me, to how he would not involve me in his future plans.
Painfully clear signs that I kept ignoring out of fear that if I addressed them I would have to accept the truth of the matter. The fact that he did not want to be with me anymore.
Well, turns out ignoring the red flags doesn’t make them go away and we inevitably ended up going our separate ways anyhow.
So, in this blog post, I share 10 painful yet clear signs he wants to break up.
How do you tell if a guy wants to break up with you?
If that isn’t the million-dollar question. And yet most of us already know the answer. You can tell if a guy wants to break up with you because he behaves differently.
Believe it or not, our brain processes millions of sensory and visual information per second. And all that data is immediately translated to trigger an emotion or memory in you.
This is why you can sense when your boyfriend is distancing himself. Maybe because of his body language or the tone of his voice.
If you can feel a shift in the way he interacts with you, I have good news for you. You are not paranoid and he may really want to break up with you.
But to help you get even more clear, here are 10 not-so-subtle signs he wants to break up with you.
What are the signs he wants to break up?
1. He avoids you/ distances himself
A sure sign that your boyfriend is not as involved in the relationship anymore is when he starts to distance himself from you.
Maybe you noticed fewer phone calls and text messages or that he avoids spending time with you 1-on-1.
I realized my ex was done with the relationship when he stopped enjoying quality time together. Shows and experiences that he would share with me before, he increasingly did by himself and excluded me from.
It was like he wanted to be by himself again, despite being in a committed relationship.
I remember how much it hurt and how rejected I felt because he was not just my boyfriend, but also my best friend at that time.
Does that ring a bell?
If you can sense your man slowly pulling away, there’s a good chance it’s a sign the relationship is over for him. This is actually one of the most common signs that most of us tend to ignore.
2. He makes plans for the future without you
The second sign that he is planning to break up is that your boyfriend’s long-term plans don’t include you anymore.
He might have important dates such as family functions coming up and not invite you to them. Or is he planning to move for a new job and hasn’t brought up the critical long-distance conversation yet?
If so, I got bad news for you. These are the warning signs he wants to break up with you.
I still remember how towards the end of our relationship, my ex would talk about one of his best friend’s weddings without ever including me. Or that he would look up events in NYC, where he ended up moving to, without asking me if I was interested in going.
That was when it dawned on me that he had already put an expiration date on our relationship. I just knew it like a gut feeling. I went home that evening and cried. And after I was done I started preparing for the breakup.
3. He gives you advice about what you should do with YOUR life
Number 3 goes hand in hand with number 2. In the same breath, as he’s planning his future without you, he will turn around and do the right thing (so he believes), which is to give you advice on what you should do with your life without him.
Maybe he encourages you to take a job across the country, even though you’re hesitant about moving away. Maybe he suggests you plan a solo trip to a destination you have been mentioning.
Sounds familiar? Well, it does to me.
My ex-boyfriend kept supporting me to get a more permanent apartment while we were living in Mexico City, even though the plan was only to stay there for 3 months before we would leave again.
While I was not too excited about both of us living in different places, I now see why he was. Not moving in together allowed him to have a clean break and made the split more convenient for him later on.
What I thought was just him wanting the best for me, was simultaneously a huge sign that we were on the verge of a breakup.
The reality is if a man wants to marry you he will look to build a future with you right away. The last thing he will do is encourage major life changes that would separate the two of you.
4. He stops being affectionate and intimate
A clear sign he wants to break up is when you can’t remember the last time the two of you were intimate. And by intimate, I’m not only referring to your sex life, but also to your emotional intimacy.
If it’s been a long time since you last had deep conversations and felt emotionally connected to him then you may already know. Because if he has become less affectionate, then it is a warning sign that the relationship is over.
Intimacy such as physical touch is one of the ways how couples in a healthy relationship grow together. So, if the lovemaking is gone, it’s only a matter of time before he is gone.
While my last relationship remained physically close until the end, I could feel him become more emotionally unavailable weeks prior. He would increasingly dismiss his feelings and emotions and not want to share why he was being moody.
Deep down I knew he was battling his upcoming decision.
5. He looks for reasons to argue
Number 5 is actually something I mentioned in my blog post “why men self-sabotage” before.
When your boyfriend looks for reasons to argue with you or reasons to be upset with you, it’s a huge red flag.
I mean it’s no secret that men dislike breaking a woman’s heart because they don’t want to feel like the bad guy. So what they will often do instead, is find reasons to justify the breakup. And what better excuse than “we argue a lot”?
The night before my ex and I broke up, he was in a horrible mood and I could tell something was up. But instead of paying attention to him, I continued to have a fabulous evening watching a show and enjoying my Tik Tok.
At one point, however, he looked over at me and said: “What’s wrong with you? You seem so anxious?”. What he was referring to was me trying to get comfortable in bed. So, I responded cheerfully “No, I’m good”.
Looking back now, I know that he was the one that was anxious because he was nervous about the breakup conversation he was planning to have with me.
It’s a very messed up sign he wants to break up, but it happens pretty often.
6. He doesn’t see you as a priority anymore
Of course, you already know that it’s not a good sign when your boyfriend prioritizes everybody else before you.
Maybe you can tell because every time one of his family members calls he will bend over backward to meet their needs. Or maybe you even picked up slight favoritism whenever you two are out with mutual friends.
Listen, I don’t think you are making it up, because I have been there myself.
Shortly before our breakup, I noticed how he would be much more invested in outings when our friends were taking part in them. However, whenever it was only the two of us it felt like I was pulling teeth.
The last thing you want to feel like is an annoyance. And I’m sorry if you are currently going through that. You don’t deserve that!
But you have to pay close attention to how much he values you. Because when men stop prioritizing their girlfriends and take you for granted, it’s a sure sign the relationship is over for men.
7. He becomes rude or disrespectful
I wish I could say that I am unfamiliar with this sign that he wasn’t to break up, but I’m not. When your boyfriend becomes rude or disrespectful it’s honestly a very significant shift in the relationship.
You don’t have to be a relationship expert to know that disrespectful behavior is a flaming red flag. And even if it is something that only occurs on bad days, it’s no excuse and requires an honest conversation about boundaries.
When my ex called me “sis” in one of our text message conversations, I told him right then and there that it was not okay and I am not a random social media acquaintance.
Of course, I’m not saying you have to end things right away when he is rude, but if it is repeated behavior it might be a sign that he is done with the relationship. Because a man that does not respect you, definitely doesn’t love you.
8. He ignores or neglects you
Did you know that stonewalling (withdrawing, shutting down, ignoring) is one of the communication styles that predicts the end of a relationship?
Yes, when a man starts to ignore or neglect his girlfriend it usually means that he is mentally checked out of the relationship.
Thankfully, it takes quite a while until things get so bad that someone stonewalls. However, ignoring and neglecting are more common.
Have you noticed that your boyfriend is increasingly more “busy”? Or that he doesn’t acknowledge your presence as he used to when you are in the same room?
When a man is done with you, he will start to focus his attention elsewhere. Work, his guy friends, or even playing video games.
Suddenly, you will feel more lonely in the relationship and find yourself wondering “Does he want to break up or am I paranoid?”. No girl you are not. You may just start to realize that it’s time to part ways.
9. He perceives your needs as an inconvenience
Now, out of all the signs he wants to break up with you, this one is probably the most important one. In a healthy serious relationship, being able to voice your needs and boundaries is the most important activity.
Because it forges trust and vulnerability!
So ask yourself if he has been dismissive whenever you bring up your need for security or intimacy. Or maybe he made you feel bad because you asked him for some alone time next weekend?
No matter how many good times you had in the past, if he perceives your needs as an inconvenience or dismisses them, it’s a sign that he may not want to be in the relationship anymore.
And I know it’s easy to feel like you are a needy girlfriend for asking your boyfriend to meet your needs. But the truth is you are not. As a matter of fact, you should never get into a relationship if the other person isn’t willing to meet them. Unless you don’t want a happy ending.
So, if you feel like he isn’t taking your requests seriously anymore, it might be a sign your boyfriend wants to break up with you.
10. He stops investing in the relationship
The two most important things that we can invest in a relationship are time and emotional investment. This is why it’s a very bad sign when your man stops putting any effort into the relationship.
And that could mean different things.
He is less present and does not actively plan date nights anymore. Or he is not emotionally invested anymore and shares less information about his personal life with you. The list goes on and on and it’s needless to say that it is not a great sign if he doesn’t put in any effort.
Because the truth is, if a guy likes you he will make the effort.
Honestly, once it gets to this point it also becomes pretty clear that he wants to break up and is just looking for the right time to end the relationship or a good excuse.
So, what do you do at that point? How do you stop your boyfriend from breaking up with you?
How do you keep him when he wants to break up?
My heart breaks for you because I know how desperate you must feel to look up this question. Unfortunately, I have to tell you that there is nothing you can or should do to keep him from breaking up.
The truth is, I could still be in my last relationship if I wanted to.
The crack in his voice and the water in his eyes gave away how hard it was for him. And if I had said something right there and then, he would probably have changed his decision.
But who wants to be in a relationship like that? A relationship in which you have to “convince” a man to be with you? Not me!
And even though the only thing you want right now is to find a way to stay together, I know deep down you don’t want to be in a relationship like that either.
Because what you really want is to be in a relationship where your boyfriend adores you.
So, the right thing to do when a man wants to break up with you is to let him go. Yes, you heard me right. Next time your boyfriend shows any signs he wants to break up with you, don’t try to solve it by self-abandoning yourself.
Instead, the best thing you can do is release him and surrender the relationship to God. Because if your man does not want to be with you, it means that someone better is coming your way.
Does he want to break up or am I paranoid?
As I mentioned before, we often sense breakups before they happen.
So no, you’re not being paranoid. What men fail to understand is that most women will notice the small things. We notice the change in behavior, the withdrawal, and the lack of interest.
What you can do to avoid the anxiety is have a conversation with him.
But decide on what you want to do before you have a conversation. Do you want to continue the relationship even when the other party doesn’t? How will you handle the end of your relationship?
Once you have determined the answer to these questions, sit him down for a conversation and express your concerns.
What to do if he’s thinking about breaking up?
Take a step back and allow him space to figure it out. I know, it’s easier said than done. However, you really can’t force him to be in a relationship when he doesn’t want to.
The best you can do is allow him the time and space to think and choose to be with you. That’s the only way you will experience a good relationship with equal levels of commitment.
Before I end this blog post, I want you to know that parting ways with someone is never easy. For a lot of people, it’s so hard, they string you along until things become really bad.
Don’t let it get to that! Because sometimes this change is what you need to manifest a beautiful love life.