how to not get attached
“Do you get attached too quickly?”
That was the question I asked in a recent YouTube video and the response I got was interesting.
So many women admitted that they tend to fall too heavy too fast and therefore experience heartbreak quite often.
I was not surprised, but more so saddened about the number of women that didn’t know how to date without getting attached.
Because the question I got the most remained “how to stop being attached to someone?”.
Which is what inspired today’s blog post.
Being vulnerable and open while dating is a good thing, but it takes discernment and practice to know who to open up to and how much to give/ share.
And in this post, I’m giving you a strategy on how to not get attached while dating so that you can move on quickly if things don’t work out.
Why do I get attached so easily psychology?
At one point in your adult life, it is time that you ask yourself why you tend to attach to men so quickly?
Because like everything else we witness in dating and relationships, your behaviors have a reason.
And the truth is, whenever you jump into new relationships with both feet while ignoring red flags, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.
No man should be considered “The One” after just one or two weeks, let alone after only one or two dates. So, why do you get attached so easily?
The answer is, because of your attachment style.
By now most of you have probably heard about attachment styles before and have an idea of your default style. If not, I suggest you take the test here.
Your attachment style influences the way you interact with romantic partners and whether you are anxiously preoccupied, avoidant or secure in relationships.
Because I used to have a very strong anxious attachment style, I focus more on understanding our challenges.
Turns out women who have an anxious attachment style are more prone to attach quickly to romantic partners because they are:
- Ultra sensitive to rejection
- Overly dependent
- Happiest in relationships
The need to feel close to someone oftentimes overshadows your ability to pace yourself in dating and leads to premature attachment.
And that is usually why some of us are getting attached to someone too quickly.
Unhealthy emotional attachment
As you can tell, an anxious attachment style can oftentimes be unhealthy, because it is excessive at times.
A healthy attachment will foster intimacy, caring, and understanding, while unhealthy attachment brings forth codependency, anxiety, and fear.
An unhealthy emotional attachment in dating is characterized by making the other person’s needs and feelings a priority without ever tending to your own needs and feelings.
Offering unlimited comfort to your date without ever asking for any comfort in return is not healthy and will lead to resentment.
So, how can you avoid an unhealthy emotional attachment even when you are prone to an anxious attachment style?
Easy. By learning how to date casually without getting attached.
How to not get attached while dating
1. Date multiple men at the same time
Probably the most controversial tip on how to not get attached to a guy is to date multiple men at the same time.
I know it gets a lot of women uncomfortable because you don’t see how that can increase your chances in love. Because you don’t want to be regarded as “that girl”.
But like with any other dating advice on my blog, this point is about increasing your self-confidence and developing an abundance mindset.
Dating multiple men at the same time does not mean that you become promiscuous and sleep with or even kiss any of them.
All it means is that you get to know these men better and learn to evaluate possible suitors based on whether they can meet your needs and are ready to put in the investment.
Instead of obsessing over just one guy that shows interest, you now are presented with an abundance of men which allows you to make an informed decision.
2. Set boundaries for yourself
The second tip on how to not get attached easily is to set boundaries for yourself.
Whenever we date we are very quick to come up with boundaries for the other person. No kissing, no sex, no overnight stays. Physical boundaries to avoid moving too quickly.
But what about emotional boundaries?
As mentioned above, unhealthy attachment is often linked to emotional dependence and rescue behavior. Meaning you becoming too dependent on the other person.
In order to avoid that, however, you need to set boundaries that keep you from fixating on the guy you are dating.
Write down the behaviors you exhibited in the past that backfired such as:
- Over-investing in men
- Allowing your life to revolve around him
- Taking care of him like he is your boyfriend
To date without getting attached, you want to ensure that you move slowly and allow the relationship to catch up to your feelings.
Has he proven himself to be a confidante? Did the two of you discuss exclusivity or commitment? Does the relationship feel safe enough for you to open up like that?
By asking yourself these questions before letting your guard down you avoid heartbreak.
Because there is nothing worse than finding out that the man we have been dating pretended for weeks and months before finally revealing his real intentions.
So set boundaries, pace yourself and allow yourself time to discover red flags before diving in headfirst.
3. Date without expectations
The third tip on how how to not get attached while dating is to date without expectations.
What I mean by that is that you have to remove the fantasy of “The One” when dating.
No matter how excited you are about him or how much potential he has. Whenever you start dating someone new you want to remain objective at first.
Avoid projecting all your hopes and dreams for a future onto him. The fact that he is single, saved, and sexy does not mean that he is your future husband.
Instead, carefully observe his behavior and determine whether or not his words and actions really meet your needs in a relationship.
Take things a day at a time, and don’t worry about a future with this person quite yet. Evaluate him as a great person first, and worry about whether or not he is husband material a few weeks into knowing him.
4. Ask yourself what you want from a relationship
You would be surprised how many girls look back at dating situations where they got attached to a man super fast and later realized that he was not even that great.
After the initial excitement slows down they accept that the guy they were dating did not want the same things they wanted, did not treat them the way they wanted to be treated, and did not meet their needs for a lover.
Suddenly things are crystal clear and they realize that he was not all that.
So what happened?
The answer is, you were dating with pink-colored glasses on. Instead of checking in with yourself and asking yourself whether this person and situation is really what you want, you settled for “good enough”.
That’s why you have to take time to ensure that your vision for a healthy and loving relationship is being met.
Failing to do so will only make you fall for someone that is at best decent but not your real match.
5. Limit your interactions
The last tip on how to avoid getting attached is the most practical one and that is to limit your interactions with the guy you are dating.
When you first meet someone new that you like and vibe with, it is very tempting to spend every free minute with them.
You want to text him all the time, call him all the time, and meet up with him all the time.
But don’t. Because the fastest way to catch feelings for someone is by solely focusing on them.
Instead of having your thoughts and life evolve around him 24/7, be intentional about spending time apart.
Schedule days where you do not meet up with him and instead hang out with friends or spend time doing things you love.
That will allow you to keep it light, while you are in the getting-to-know-him stage.
By following these five steps on how to not get attached to a guy while dating you lessen the risk of falling for someone too early.
But what if you are already attached to a guy that you were only dating casually and now you have to get over him?
How to stop being attached to someone
If you are starting to feel anxious about the guy you are dating, chances are high you are already emotionally attached to him.
In that case, the best thing you can do is to practice mindfulness. Whenever emotions run high and you feel tempted to reach out to him or stalk his Instagram profile, purposefully do something else.
Make a list of things you can do to distract yourself, such as reading, calling a friend, or working out outdoors.
Whatever you can do that requires you to be away from your phone will help. As long as you avoid constantly checking your phone and building up anxiety.