Why they always come back when you move on
A story as old as a handmaid’s tale. Exes that suddenly pop out of the woodworks after you finally moved on.
In the three real relationships and multiple situationships I have been in, this phenomenon always held true. The moment I had completely given up on a hopeless relationship and started living a full life or even seeing someone new, the old boo showed back up.
It’s weird. Like they can smell that you are happy again and are looking to mess it up. But that is probably not true…Even though some of them definitely tried it.
So why do they always come back when you move on? Well, I have a few theories that I want to share.
Why men leave and come back
Before we jump into the reasons why men always come back even if they broke up with you I figured it would be nice to look at the pull and push dynamic some men use.
To a lot of guys, especially those that are fearful avoidant, relationships are daunting. They perceive commitment as pressure and therefore find it hard to commit.
Of course, that doesn’t excuse bad behavior or breaking up out of the blue. However, it is something I have dealt with in the past and needed to become mindful of.
When a guy perceives a relationship as too engulfing, he will often leave in order to gain back his space. However, once he is back single that same guy might realize that he misses you and comes back after a while.
While that is a very common root problem and will make it look like guys always come back when you are over them, the reasons he will use is still different.
3 reasons why they always come back
He regrets breaking up
Duh, he better! Of course, this is a very common reason why exes come back when you moved on. After he broke up with you, he has time to think about the relationship and the breakup, but also about his life without you. And maybe he realized that it was more fun with you in it.
That’s when some men will contact you again to genuinely re-kindle the relationship.
He may send you a simple “how are you” text. Or he may cut straight to the chase and ask for reconciliation, or he may use an indirect approach by liking a picture or responding to your Instagram story.
If he regrets dumping you then he will try to get back into your life with small gestures indicating that he wants you back.
When that is the case, it is up to you to decide if you even want to get back with your ex.
He is curious
Another reason why they always come back when you move on is out of curiosity.
When a man breaks up with a woman that he liked, either because he was not ready to commit or pre-occupied with his bachelor life he will occasionally check-in to see how you are doing.
Not in an “I care for you” kinda way, but more so in an “I just want to make sure your life isn’t cooler than mine” kind of way.
You will usually be able to tell because he will contact you out of the blue and once he has gathered enough information, he will vanish just as quickly again.
When that happens it’s important that you protect your peace and don’t overshare. You don’t owe him access to your life and get to share as little as you want with him.
Remember that he is not checking in with you because he cares, but because he wants to feel better about his decision to break up.
He is playing games
Now, this last one is a step up from reason number two. While the curious guy oftentimes checks in with you subconsciously and might not even mean harm, this guy is manipulative.
He uses the revolving door to your life as he pleases to keep you hooked. He will disappear and re-appear whenever it suits him and use small excuses to stay in touch.
He knows that you are still emotionally hung up on him and wants to keep it that way in order to control you.
He is the type of guy that will send you mixed messages about how he misses you and wishes things could be different, but won’t put in any effort to get back together.
He is also the type of guy that will question you about your romantic life and shame you for it.
However, just because he won’t let you go, does not mean that he loves you or even wants to be with you. It simply means that he wants to control you emotionally and so that he can come back into your life whenever he wants to.
Do ex boyfriends always come back?
Of course, the most pressing question for anyone reading this, is wether your ex will ever come back to you?
And I know that question is on your mind all day, because I was there myself. In my case, I was blessed and my ex did come back and we are now in a more beautiful and stronger relationship.
However, I wouldn’t do you a favor if I said that every ex bo-boyfriend comes back after breaking up with you.
That’s just not true.
However, you have better chances of seeing a man re-appear in your life if you use the no-contact method for a period of time.
Do ex boyfriends come back after no contact?
I have to be completely honest with you ladies. I don’t like the “no contact rule” too much. I acknowledge it’s importance and effectiveness, however, I believe “the rule” is stupid.
Especially when it is used as a manipulation method to get your ex back. Because then it does not work. The “no contact rule” is not supposed to be a punishment for your ex but is supposed to give you space and time to detach yourself from him.
Yes. The no contact rule should be used to gain clarity about the relationship and the breakup, not to strategize how to get him back.
I understand that that is a serious thought of yours, however, if your focus is on your ex and all you do is obsess over him. Chances are that you will mess things up once that period is over.
Therefore, the no contact rule does not work when you are using it as a method to get him back.
What to do if he keeps coming back?
Different dating coaches have different philosophies when it comes to exes reaching out. In most cases, they will suggest ignoring him if it is inside the No Contact period of 30 days. Others will suggest you always reply to show you maturity.
I say it depends.
I don’t believe in harsh rules when it comes to dating, because every situation is different. However, I do believe that when you interact with him you should act out of abundance and clarity rather than scarcity and anxiety.
Therefore, in order to handle an ex coming back, you need to be 100% clear about why you are responding to his “how are you?” text.
If you are responding to him out of fear he might forget about you, or you might miss your chance if you don’t please him, then it is the wrong move.
However, if you are in a good place emotionally and mentally and do not care about the outcome of the conversation because you know your worth and won’t beg, then go ahead and reply at your convenience.
That means you can reply right away and spark a conversation, or you can wait a few hours/ days if it doesn’t suit you at the moment.
Just because your ex came back into your life does not mean you have to move heaven and earth to create space for him.
Should I take my ex back
Of course, that completely depends on the reason why the two of you broke up.
Generally speaking, you only want to try a relationship a second time if you feel comfortable that the challenges you faced before can now be worked out.
Meaning do both of you understand how you contributed to the failure of the relationship? And if you do, did you come up with a solution together? If you didn’t then chances are high the relationship will be okay for a little while before the problems of the past show up again.