Why am I Single?: 5 mindsets that are keeping you single
I usually don’t like to say that anyone is keeping themselves single on purpose. Because I like to believe that you are doing the best you can to become the best version of yourself, right?
What if you are not consciously keeping yourself single, but unconsciously? Your mind is a powerful tool that controls the way you think, feel and act. And that mind has two departments.
Your conscious mind, the place where you make your conscious decisions and your unconscious mind, the back room where you make your unconscious decisions.
A lot of the decisions we make throughout the day actually happen in our unconscious mind. 95% of them to be correct. We make those decisions without really thinking about them, also known as habits.
These habits are formed based on experiences and patterns and stored in our subconscious mind.
Some of these unconscious thought patterns serve us well and help us live our best life. And some of these unconscious thought patterns are limiting and destructive and sabotage our life.
Those thought patterns influence the way we think, feel and behave and ultimately sabotage our ability to attract and maintain a godly relationship. That’s why today I want to talk about Why am I Single?: 5 mindsets that are keeping you single.
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The below Bible Verses have been quoted from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).
1. Scarcity (not enough good men)
This is probably the biggest limiting belief single Christian women all over the world like to repeat. The idea that there are not enough ‘good men’ out there.
The fact that most church congregations have more female than male members oftentimes discourages single Christian women that desire marriage.
You may feel like your pool to choose from is way smaller and therefore your chances of finding a godly man are limited.
And I get that.
However, telling yourself that there are no good men out there, in a world of 7 billion people is self-sabotage.
While you might not find your future husband in your home church, there are most likely hundreds of more churches in your city (at least if you live in Atlanta like me).
Closing yourself off to the opportunities that life has to offer, will only lead to less excitement, openness, and attractiveness whenever you are presented with a situation that could lead to a promising connection.
Instead, you need to reframe that limiting belief to a positive one, by affirming the opportunities you have in your life.
Relationship Coaching Tip:
Change your mindset from an idea of scarcity to abundance. Tell yourself that there are ‘good men’ out there and you just haven’t met the one that God has for you yet.
Affirm yourself every morning with statements of positivity and excitement in order for your subconscious mind to take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves.
Example: There are good men in my city, and I just need to be open to meet new people.
2. Low self-esteem (I am not enough)
No matter if you desire to be in a romantic relationship or not, this mindset has the power to destroy any relationship you have in your life. Because it brings about thoughts of inferiority and comparison.
Low self-esteem makes you believe that no matter how beautiful, smart and talented you are, you are never (good) enough to deserve someone.
It oftentimes leads to jealousy, low self-worth and neediness.
Whenever you are dating someone you are selling yourself short and looking for validation from a man. However, a man will only be able to love you as good as you love yourself.
Meaning that by you lacking love and appreciation for yourself, he will lack the same.
Therefore, increasing self-esteem is paramount if you desire to attract and maintain a godly relationship.
Relationship Coaching Tip:
Make a list of things that you like about yourself. Write down as seemingly small points as your handwriting or curly hair. At the end of that list add the sentence: I love myself and I am enough.
Then read that list to yourself every morning and evening for 21 days. You will see a change in the way you perceive yourself, which will affect the way other people perceive you.
3. Entitlement (he has to do it all)
Out of the 5 mindsets that are keeping you single that you commonly answer the question ‘Why am I Single’ with, this mindset is probably the only one most single women have a hard time giving up.
It always surprises me how many women I meet that are convinced that a man they just started dating has to move heaven and earth to be in their presence.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you should settle. Because I highly believe in the art of chivalry. A man that truly desires to get to know you should and will show interest and pursue you.
However, it becomes a problem when you take that for granted.
Men like to be appreciated for the things they do, too. A ‘thank you’ when they open the door or pay for the bill as well as a ‘thank you for planning this date’ shows them that you are not entitled.
Let him know that his efforts are not going unseen and that you actually enjoy and appreciate the way he treats you. It will positively affect the relationship going forward as it makes him feel empowered.
Relationship Coaching Tip:
Show him that you are just as excited and interested in dating him as he is and plan a date from time to time. Show him your feminine side by treating him to a fun, goofy and romantic experience.
Why am I Single: 5 Mindsets That Are Keeping You Single
4. Desperation (I have to please)
This mindset is one that a lot of single women face. The idea that whenever a man shows a little interest, they need to hold on to it, because it might be all they get.
All that desperation is, is really a form of doubt and fear. It ignites your fear of being too old, too inadequate or too much (whatever that means).
And all desperation does is convince you to settle for someone that is not treating you like the high-value woman that you are.
The problem is, that mindset mirrors off of you and actively attracts men that will take advantage of you.
Because men can sense desperation from a mile away.
The ones that desire to be in a committed relationship, will stay away because they feel like you are too needy and weak. And the men that have bad intentions will draw near you because they know they can manipulate you.
In order to overcome desperation, you have to believe that good things will happen for you and learn to trust God and his plans.
Truth is, we don’t know when something will happen for us, but we do know that it’s going to work together for our good. You will not have to settle if you wait for God’s best.
Relationship coaching Tip:
Practice Manifestation by visualizing what you want your future relationship to be like. Write down how the other person will make you feel and what the two of you will be doing together.
By doing that you train your subconscious mind and It will now start to look for these attributes in a dating situation and subconsciously send you warning signs when you are acting out of desperation.
5. Mistrust (he can’t do anything right)
Mistrust is a common mindset that a lot of single women who have had toxic relationships in the past have.
This mindset tends to project past experiences into the present and lead you to believe that history will repeat itself. This is understandable because most of us have been through our fair share of heartbreak and foolishness in our lives.
However, don’t allow your past experiences to block your present blessings.
Seeds of mistrust can quickly grow to jealousy, paranoia, and anxiety. It is often the main reason why, if unresolved, the bond between two people deteriorates or is even destroyed.
Extreme mistrust will make you put unrealistically demands on a man, to a point that he feels that there is no way he will ever be able to please you or be able to make you happy.
Therefore, it is important to deal with past baggage, ideally before getting into a new relationship.
Relationship Coaching Tip:
Analyze your thoughts and ask yourself what the root of your mistrust is. Briefly describe why you do not trust a man or men in general and ask yourself if that is an opinion or fact.
If it is a fact, based on past experiences than you need to do the work of forgiving and letting go. If it is an opinion, then your suspicion may come from your own insecurities and needs to be dealt with on a deeper level.
Overcoming limiting beliefs
As a Dating, Relationship, and Life Coach one of the first things I tackle in my 1on1 Coaching Course “Becoming The One to attract the one” is my client’s limiting beliefs.
Because your thoughts impact your emotions and your emotions turn into your behaviors.
The Bible tells us in Romans 12:2:
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Changing the way you think will allow you to see things from a different perspective and inspire positive actions that lead to positive outcomes.
So, I encourage you to identify thoughts that are negative and to practice being positive instead.
And if you need help with that, then check out my ‘Become The One to attract the one’ coaching course where I go into detail about limiting beliefs.