Signs he’s not the one: 5 Red Flags in Relationships

I still remember my very first relationship and breakup, I was 19 and my boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me. I was heartbroken and really thought that I would die. The pain was insupportable and every morning felt like somebody had just rammed a new dagger into my heart.  

Related Post: 10 Godly Signs That He Is ‘The One’

5 Signs to watch out for in a godly relationship

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The below Bible Verses have been quoted from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Since that very first time, I’ve gone through that feeling of premature death a lot. And every time I ask myself how did I get here? How come I did not see it coming? Why am I hurting so much? Why did he reject me?

I believe that a breakup is not necessarily a bad thing. Oftentimes you can be happy when God shows you that he’s not the one before it takes a turn for the worse or gets more complicated.

It’s one of these signs from God about relationships. 

After all, nobody wants to get a divorce, break-up with kids involved or move out of a shared apartment. Essentially, you want to make sure that you are ready to get married

However, how to know if God wants you to be with someone?

What if I tell you that if you listen to God from the start you are able to foresee the deal breakers in the relationship and are able to handle the breakup better.

As your father and protector, He gives you hints and signs that the man you have been seeing isn’t for you and it’s time to move on.

So if you’ve been dating or courting someone and noticed these changes, then he’s not the one God has for you:

1. His words don’t match his actions

One of my favorite quotes is by Maya Angelou and I bet you know it:

‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time’

Simple but pivotal. If the guy you are dating keeps telling you how much he misses you but never makes time to meet, something is off.

Same for the man that repeatedly keeps showing interest in other women, while simultaneously assuring you that you’re the only one he wants.

Boy Bye!

As women, we are blessed with ‘intuition’, which I believe is the holy spirit working in us and giving us highly developed discernment. So trust your intuition and pray for revelation to make sure that you are not misled.

By doing so you will be able to tell whether his actions align with his words and if you should remain in the relationship. 

Don’t feel like reading? Watch the YouTube video here!

2. He doesn’t know what he wants

The good old ‘what are we’ conversation. In your head, it takes place at least once a week, but in reality, it takes weeks until it actually happens.

You try to introduce the topic spontaneously and act super laid back doing so. That’s when he hits you with the ‘Let’s just see where this goes and take it slow’ attitude.

Usually, that’s when I run to the bathroom, ask the holy spirit to take over and remove all sharp objects around #keepingitreal. But on a more practical note that should be the moment when you take a mental note – Issa Red Flag!

We all know that the bible says:

 ‘He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord’ (Proverbs 18:22 NIV). 

So if he found you, but doesn’t even know what he was looking for, how does he know if you are really a good thing for him?

It’s like wandering through a department store and buying a pair of expensive heels because they look good on the shelf. After 3 weeks in the closet, you realize that you should never have gotten them because they don’t fit any of the clothes (lifestyle) you have.

Because deep down you are a Nike and Sandals kinda girl.

A man who doesn’t clearly communicate what he wants from the beginning is stringing you along to see if it will change over time. No matter how many Bible Verses on patience you memorize he will still waste your time. 

Luckily scripture is clear on the fact that a man should be able to lead you, meaning he needs to have a vision of where the relationship will go.

Signs he’s not the one: 5 Red Flags in Relationships

3. His attention drops

Ohh I hate when that happens. The first 3 months he treats you like a princess. He takes you out to your favorite restaurants, calls you at 8am just to say good morning and listens to your favorite celebrity stories. Pure bliss!

Out of the blue everything changes. He doesn’t care about taking you out anymore and prefers getting McDonald’s drive-thru for every date. He only calls you when you ask him to and every time you mention a celebrity name he rolls his eyes.

Deep down you know that something is wrong, but you brush it off and tell yourself that it is normal.

While I do think that a relationship eventually leaves the honeymoon stage and becomes a constant part of your life, I want you to understand that certain things shouldn’t just happen to charm you the first 3 months.

And it is your job to determine what type of relationship you want. Do you want to be in a healthy relationship or are these signs of a toxic relationship

God will allow a man to show you his real self so that the two of you can connect on an authentic level. If the real him is nothing like the person you first met, however, then this is your hint that he’s not the one.

Just because you have been getting to know each other for a while and you would like to be in a relationship you shouldn’t force it. Even if it means that you might feel lonely

Instead, thank God for ending things early so that you only cry for two weeks instead of two months. God knows you better than you do and will match you with the man that is best for you. That man won’t lose interest and treat you well forever.

4. You feel like you have to compromise

If there is one thing I’ve learned in a decade of dating, it’s that you should never compromise on your dealbreakers. Yes, I said NEVER compromise… On your dealbreakers!

You might think that this is a little harsh and selfish, but I assure you it is not. A Dealbreaker is a factor or issue, that you cannot overlook and ultimately outweighs any other qualities the other person may have.

Meaning that a dealbreaker is a quality that will irritate you in the long run anyways. It might be the way they treat their family members, the way they take care of their own health or something else that is important to you.

Don’t ignore these dealbreakers, because they may be a sign that he’s not the one that God has for you. Try to find peace and contentment besides the situation, by rejoicing in your current single season. 

5. You prayed for God to show you if he’s not the one

Now, ladies, this is a big one, so listen clearly! If you are praying to God and asking Him to show you whether the guy you are seeing is the right one for you and suddenly this same person starts acting up. He stops calling and texting or goes off the radio for days.

That is your sign! HE’S NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!

Don’t believe me? Then use this PDF I made just for you and ask yourself these 50 Questions to identify ‘The One”!

I know it hurts, especially if things were fine just a week ago. However, God is a God of action and protection. Which means he will end things if the man you’re pursuing isn’t your husband. This also means that this is not an invitation to blow up his phone and convince him to change.

Instead, strive to maintain a balance between your actions and your faith in God. Because at the end of the day God will do what is right in his sight. And you need to trust in God and believe that whatever happened, is good for you.

Related post: 5 Christian books by female authors that will help you trust God

Signs from God about your relationship?

If one or more of these scenarios apply to you and deep down in your heart you know that God is trying to end your relationship then I want you to pray for discernment, wisdom, and courage.

For discernment so that you are able to tell the difference in behavior early on. For wisdom to know what to do and what to say. And lastly for the courage to execute what God has put on your heart even if it hurts.

If you are struggling to hear God’s voice on that topic, consider going on a fast. This will help you to draw closer to God and focus all your attention on Him.

What other signs he’s not the one do you watch out for? Share your red flags in relationships BELOW!

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100 Comments on Signs he’s not the one: 5 Red Flags in Relationships

  1. Good advice! And most of all draw near to God through fasting and prayer to discern what He is leading. It’s hard when your heart is involved… But He wants the best for us.

      • Justine… what if God told him I was the one 2 years ago during time apart, now he wants a break for 6 months with zero commitment and obligations? He has even mentioned considering going for coffee with another woman to “restore his faith in womankind”!? Our break (or break up) follows a week whereby I was depressed and not myself. Now he acts towards me with indifference. But I am turning to God. The ironic part is, he is a baptised member of the church, I am yet to be baptised but am working towards it. Any advice you can give I would be forever thankful for x

        • Hi! Just a Christian trying to help…what do YOU think God is telling YOU? It sound so like this man might not really be the right one to me. Especially if he is showing indifference and he wanted “a break.” From what? I believe God will provide you with someone who TREASURES you. Your future man won’t think twice about taking a “break.” He will love you and show that he cares. And he will also recognize that Jesus is the ultimate lover and carer!

        • I agree with kimberly. xxx, you are valuble and awesome…a way to see what you are being treated like..and if its right, ask yourself, if i had a daughter, would i think it was ok for her to be treated like that and accept it..if its no, then dont allow it, you more valuble.

    • I have a situation right now. So my boyfriend and I have been talking about wanting to get married but my dad now no longer likes him cuz he thinks that he’s not good enough for me nor treating me the way I deserve to be treated. He’s my best friend and is ALWAYS there when I need him. Even though we Get in the small disagreements because he’s a T texter and I’m a caller but God told has me he’s the one unless he stops growing closer in faith. I’ve cried because I’m scared of losing him. He’s scared of
      Losing me to but he doesnt know how to prove to God or my dad that he give up anything for me. Even my Pastor told us that if I continue to grow higher and he does not it will hurt us both and I’ll have to leave him. I’m Getting ready to graduate in a few days and he still has two years left of school which will be hard on us. Specially after my dad said told me if he’s ever going to be the one I end up with then he has a lot to prove to him. My dad used to like him and I honestly don’t know what happened. He even told me a few days ago that he wants nothing to do with him. If I have a wedding he’s not even going to walk me down the aisle or give him his blessing for my hand in marriage.

      • sometimes it is better to go with what your gut tells you and to consider but not to deeply what other people have to say so that you know the signs of him drawing away from your perfect picture. well not perfect but you know what i mean. i hope you have a happy life and good things come your way.

      • Honestly I’d take a step back to see why your dad feels this way. It’s easy to look at what you think you know about him and he changes in a way you haven’t noticed. It can be your dad scared to lose you and only wanting the best for you, but it could also be that the person you like no longer treats you the way he did before and you haven’t noticed.

  2. Awesome post! So many girls just date a guy that gives them attention and they don’t look any deeper. We can avoid more heart break with counsel and intuition from the Holy Spirit like you said.

    • Yes, I went through so much heartbreak because I didn’t listen to the Holy Spirit. Now that I know better, it is something that has become a daily practice 😉

      • This may sound crazy, but I decided to post this because this is not an issue with just young women. I was 23 when I married my 1st and only husband. It wasn’t until after our marriage I started seeing red flags pop up that he didn’t want a wife, he just wanted company. From the beginning (after we married), he was just very passive. I just did not want to make decisions for anything. Every answer to me that I hoped to discuss was “whatever you want”. I found out through his sister that he had been married twice before me, and did not even instigate a relationship with his twin daughters. I felt he loved me to a certain degree, but he showed no leadership in our family about taking care of our childrena future. I began to resent being put in this “dictator” role and I did not like who I was becoming with him. Since our divorce that took three years, his sisters and nieces came to the house and divided our things included everything that belonged to our children and he delivered to the city where we were living. Even though we had not even talked about “divorce”, that was his answer. That was 22 years ago. Now our children are married and have their own families. My parents have passed away, and our family has dwindled down to just me…..and any lucky time that I can spend with my grandchildren. I did date several times after our marriage, but each with a new set of red flags. I have never been so lonely in my life…..and I realize that I have never had a normal loving relationship with anyone. I often find myself crying myself to sleep. At this point in time, the women outnumber the men about 4-5 to one. I know in my heart of hearts that God has someone for me. It may not be someone to marry, but I do want to have a friend of the opposite sex to have as a companion and vice versus. So I stay on my knees to Him, and allow myself the patience to clearly see that companion when he allows our paths to cross. Amen

        • You’re beautiful you’re strong ❤️ God sees your heart and will bless you with the desires of your heart. God says draw near to me and I’ll draw near to you. A relationship with God is beautiful make God your all he will make you his confidant. God loves you so much never forget ❤️❤️

  3. ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time’ . yes why do I insist on not listening? I am so stubborn. Not just romantic relationships but friendships and business deals are affected by this too. Check the actions not just the words.

    • Absolutely agree! More often than not we ignore early signs because we believe they will change, but the question is do they ‘want to change?

  4. These truths are so true, and thank you for sharing so honestly! These are all good things to keep in mind for single girls like me, too. Blessings, girl 🙂

  5. Thank you for this lovely read Justine. Fully agree with all your points listed. Having been through heartbreak in the worst way.. these were lessons I now hold as battle scars. Thanks for the encouragement!

  6. Great post! I think it’s really hard for women to come to terms that someone they’re dating maybe isn’t the one for them. Many of us want love and marriage, so we turn the other way when there are obvious warning signs. I really like your practical advice here!

    • So true! I think that was exactly my mistake in the past. Writing it down was my way of teaching myself that I have to do better.

      • I too am currently going through this. Please say a prayer for me to keep my strength through the break-up. It’s going to be a long, hard road ahead but I’m prepared with my trust in God.

        • Yes! Same here! I asked God to give me a sign if my boyfriend of 2 years was not for me. And of course He did. Not only once but 3 times. The problem is he is a wonderful boyfriend. But I do not think he would make a great husband. Pray for me ladies!

        • You are in my thoughts and i will pray for you to have strength and courage to get through this… it will hurt for some time but time heals all wounds 💕

          • Thank you for this. I reconnected with a person I almost married, but we were young and he didnt communicate well. I broke off the engagement then.
            Upon reunification I thought we had to have learned something in all those years.
            There were so many mixed messages coming from him. One thing we always had was the truth. That’s what I depended on. But this wasnt the same person I used to know. I asked God to give me a message the size of a billboard, blunt and direct.
            I got my message loud and clear.all at once the relationship ended with no possibility of restoration. My one regret, I didnt ask God from the very start. It hurts a little now, it would have been devastating later.

          • I have some one that I am seeing, I want to know if he is the one for me, pray for me, I want god answer.

  7. As a divorced single mom, I agree completely with all of the hints you’ve shared! I’ve also learned as I’ve grown in my walk with God that if something is not good for you, there will be a lack of inner peace. Don’t ignore this’ even when you can’t see what the issue is! “deep calls to deep”, learning to hear Gid clearly is the #1 protection from harmful choices.

      • Justine…I’m not sure I understand that. Wouldn’t that not be a good thing? Inner peace to me is God’s grace.

        I personally started to journal. It’s amazing how we find our own answers when we write them down and then read what we wrote? I.e. —- God calming us by soothing our soul.

        • Inner peace would come after we have made the right decision. God’s silence is not consent.That was were I missed it. Now am left alone with no husband and two very active kids.

  8. Hi Justine, this was a really great article with great advice. I wish I would have read this when I was in my teens. It would have saved me a lot of heart ache. Not sure if I would have listened because we all know how we are as teenagers. Lol but I am definitely saving this and showing it to my girls when they are older.

  9. Hi, Justine! This really helps me a lot. I am really seeing my situation in every example that you have, but in the context of long-distance relationship. Though what I am having now is one-sided, there is this thing that I know something is emerging between the man I love and I. Your blog really made me reconsider things. And yes, I will definitely do the fasting.

    Thank you, Justine! You’re a blessing.

    • Hey April,

      I think our own emotions and feelings can always seem one-sided because that’s the only side we see. But I’m glad this post helped a little. I hope the fast will help you gain a little more clarity.

  10. Hi Justin thank u for this, but the thing is my relationship is on and off thing and it’s a long distance relationship, he also proposed in 2016 but I couldn’t accept coz it was too soon, we fight a lot so for now with the hints that u gave here I think I could just accept the heart ache and deal with it n let God lead me. Thanks

  11. Hi,
    I’m in an almost 3 years of relationship and already engaged and we have the wedding date already by next year December. We had conflicts due to my bad habits of being insecure to girls and being so jealous. Then the latest conflict was 2 weeks ago with the same issues weve been fighting for. For almost 3 weeks now he was not communicating with me. He stopped attending church for a while because he doesn’t want to see me yet. He is still so angry that I dont know now if he still loves me. I need your advise please. Thanks Ma’am! 🙂

    • Hey Claire, this sounds like it is very serious. I suggest the two of you consider pre-marriage counseling. Sometimes it can be hard to talk about things alone and a Christian counselor can help you through.

  12. I had God tell me someone was for me and He made sure I knew it would never change. This guy hits all 5 points in this article. As much as I believe everyone wants it to be that clear remember God’s path may not be the easy way. If He does guide you to someone never forget it’s His timing. God has definitely used my situation to teach me who He is and who I am in Him. Don’t ever put finding a relationship over your relationship with God. That’s where your true happiness is anyway.

    • I needed to read this right now. thank you for this wisdom. I’m in the same boat, when I ask for a sign, it is him in spades. But he isn’t there yet. I drive myself crazy waiting for him to be ready. And I ask for more signs, more complex signs, and every time, it’s clearly him. I’m not sure how much more I can wait. I trust God will make all things happen in His due time.

  13. Hi Justine.
    This is a good read. Timely for what I’ve been going through. I have love this divorced guy. I was a starting Christian when I knew him. Even though we’re in long distance relationship, I felt his love. But just recently while reading the bible, about marrying a divorced man that I might be committing adultery. I was shocked and never thought of this will happen. I started to search for the answer but then I was truly in denial that it CAN happen. There’s something inside of me that tells me, I should stop this relationship with but I can’t. It feels like I’m trap already and no where to go. I love Him but I don’t disobey God. Please help me.

    • Hey Sarah, this is a very powerful question and I’m kind of scared to answer it because I don’t feel like I know the word enough to speak on it. That’s why my first advice is to seek godly counsel with a pastor at your church.

      Nonetheless, one thing I would advise you is to listen to your discernment. If you feel like something is wrong about the reason or the way he divorced his wife, then you should ask him. Find out what his standpoint on divorce was and now is. Only if you know these details, you will be able to understand why you might be right in calling it off.

      Be blessed

    • I know the feeling but you shoukd end it as he is still married to his wife in GODS EYE. The only way he will be divorced is if the wife dies as its death do is part in GOD’S Eye so as much as you love him you have to end it

  14. Hi my boyfriend of 8 months have been through many ups and downs and he says he is putting the date of our relationship in god, everytime I ask for reassure he tells me he can’t leave me but he isn’t sure what the future holds,and when he’s mad he says im a waste of his time and I have no heart and accuses me of cheating, I love him what should I do?

    • Hi Teresa, I think you have to ask yourself what type of relationship you want to be in. It seems to me like the two of you have created a toxic relationship. By no means should you feel like you have to stay with someone that deprives you of their love whenever they are mad. Please seek wise counsel in your local church that knows you and your boyfriend.

  15. Hi good day this is really a helpful post. i prayed to God to tell me if truly the man i am dating now is my man. i love him and he does too. he calls regularly and we share experience and advice together. recently i dreamed and i saw something carried me to his house and on getting there, i saw him on another woman i was so surprised and he was shocked too. and immediately i was carried back home. his attitude toward me hasn’t changed, he still calls morning,afternoon and night. we still talk like normal but ow i am confused on weather to continue or to take a break

    • You prayed and you saw what God wanted you to see many men like the thrill of double dating I don’t know why Justine hasn’t replied you so I advise you to pray again and ask for a more complex sign and for peace of mind so that breaking up would be easier for you also pray for God to replace him so the pain of heartbreak won’t be hard on you

  16. hello actually i wanted to know what if the man have shown all these qualities and behaviour in the first 3 months then after 3 months have chose to go is it God will will he come back thank you

    • HI Fanny,

      I definitely believe that people change and that if he shows positive actions later the relationship can work. But you have to use discernment and make sure that you don’t misread your own desire for God’s will.

  17. Hello Justine,
    I need some advice on a few things I am currently engaged and the man I am with has such a big heart but has a lot of past issues (childhood) wise where there was verbal abuse a father that would constantly intimidate him at such a young age and also the father was an alcoholic… now I don’t doubt the amount of love this man has for me but his his has a lot of past issues he needs to have to deal with.. now he drinks time to time but tends to over due it and it’s pretty intense for sometime he would bully me and there was lots of hurt while he was in that state.. when sober he is the most amazing caring person and my best friend… but the drinking has been tough on me and our relationship.. so usually what happens is when it does get bad he calms down on it for a while then gets right back in there… it even came to the point where I said no more drinking or I’m packing… so that scared him but I guess the problem is stronger then he is and decided to test me… so far he has behaved much much better but I still find myself always feeling unsure and that he did not take me seriously… and the other issues is I won’t go right into description but he will behave a certain way will say drink for 2 days straight and I don’t say much just to see how he reacts to it I do something out of the ordinary… I am currently suffering with multiple sclerosis so sometimes I get insomnia so I have trouble sleeping he decides to make me feel guilty for being up so late while I am actually being productive planning some wedding stuff and he just got upset and made me feel guilty for something that he actually does very often so when I did reply back I said why is it okay for you to stay up for and say or 2 as he does work graveyards so I understand that sometimes it’s hard to get back on schedule but I never give him and slack for it and now I am currently not sleeping and he just tried making me feel guilty for something he does often so I just said why is it ok for you and not me his reply was why you got to compare blah blah lol anyway sorry for the long story I just need advice about all this because it doesn’t make any sense to me and I am not sure what to do anymore 🙁 thank you If you are able to provide a little advice anything helps 😊 god bless xo

    • Hey Sophie, thanks for sharing this with me. Please understand that a relationship before marriage (dating and engagement) is to find out whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. From your comment, I can detect a lot of red flags that point towards toxicity and that’s dangerous. I would suggest you two seek marriage counseling first and make sure you have identified and started dealing with every issue from the past both of you might have. Love & Light Justine

  18. This is a great post! I’m seeing these red flags everyday in my relationship… unfortunately, I’m already married and don’t know what to do. It’s our 5 year wedding anniversary today and due to an argument last night, we are not even talking. In the early part of our marriage I found out he had been using dating sites and messaging other females on social media. I’m practically invisible, he doesn’t treat me like a wife. We went to church together in the early days but now he won’t lead and he doesn’t want to go to church and I wonder if he is even really a Christian. I believe he just used me to get a passport for this country. I’m confused as to whether biblically I should stay with him even though I feel he misled me for his own purposes or whether I should get a divorce. Any advice would be appreciated.

  19. I was in a relationship with a manipulator. He would do things behind my back and when I found out about it, he flipped it to make it seem like I didnt trust him. I was 18 years old when we met and we reconciled when I was 23. He still kept making excuses and when I didnt want to be with him because I explained that I mentally grew up and we grew apart, he pulled the ‘I feel like you don’t love me anymore’ I’m learning how to take my time and seek God’s answers before I engage in anything, especially relationships. A lot of my time was wasted. I’m 27 years old now but this is the perfect time to start over. Thnk you for writing this blog. It has helped me think of some things and know that I wasn’t at fault. I just had to trust and believe my instincts. When you’re involved with a manipulator, it makes you wonder about your own self. I’m glad it’s over and I have God to thank every single day.

  20. I am separated from my husband by miles and miles,oceans and seas as a matter of fact. We are fighting an immigration problem. It’s difficult, when he gets stressed he isolates himself and withdraws from me, I call it his “mental man-cave”. I do pray and ask God to show me the way, if he’s not the one, show me signs, keep him away and make it easy for both of us. Every time I do this, he comes back to me, like literally the next day, his heart softened, and we talk. We are still getting to know each other. Sometimes I feel like he is rejecting me, not wanting me, he says he doesn’t want to come to the U.S..but he wants to be with me, however when we argue he will say, “I don’t want you”. Later he says he says it out of anger and frustration.

    • Hey Nicole,

      I’m sorry to hear about your immigration problem and I pray that by God’s grace you will be unified soon. However, I do want to point out that the dynamic the two of you are facing is very normal and most likely has nothing to do with him not being the one (unless there are more signs). Not being able to be with you is probably frustrating him just as much as you. It is important that you understand that he may deal with that frustration and fear different than you ie. by going into his cave. Seek wisdom from God on how to deal with it, allow him to retreat when he needs to and ask him to pick up the conversation once he has calmed down.
      Love & Light

  21. Reading all of this has got me to really thinking….but here is the problem, I am already married, not quite a year, and I am seeing signs that scare me, but God don’t like divorce. I don’t know what to do. I saw some signs and I really believed that He was the one and this was of God, now I’m not so sure. I’m not perfect, I was married for 28 years and it ended and it breaks my heart that my family is no longer together, he moved on and I did to, so I thought. I have realized that I will always we in love with my ex. My husband now has been married 5 times as I am the 5th, yes I knew of some of this before, we said I do, but like I said I was sure God was putting this together. Please help me. Thank you

    • Hi San, I’m sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. I believe that the only thing you can do now is to go before God and make sure you hear him clearly. You might even want to seek wise counsel from your local pastor.

  22. Hi! Thank you for this post!

    So I have been dating this guy for a year and a half almost. He is an amazing guy and I enjoy spending time with him. He really seems to love me… however he is not a church boy and he admits it himself. He however makes effort to get to know God… He does not go often to church and it does not seem to bother him that much. His firends are really nice, but doesnt live a godly life in my opinion (clubbing, getting drunk, smoking, etc.), so he often goes out to clubs with them on weekends. He often asks me if I think I would come club with him and his friends, and I always decline which makes me feel bad. I started having some kind of revelations these past few weeks though… He seemed fine with the fact that I want to keep myseld until marriage, but for the past few weeks he started to talk more about doing it before, since if we know we want each other for life, it shouldnt matter. He keeps talking to me about how he’s gonna go club and drink a lot this summer… And when talking about wedding, he told me straight up he’s planning to get drunk and a lot of alcohol for his friends & family on the special day. Same thing for the honeymoon!

    I just came to the conclusion a few days ago that there’s really a big gap between our level of comitment to Jesus. He is not a priority for him… I don’t wanna judge him though, but I don’t think I should be the one pushing him towards Christ. I want to be with someone who already knows Christ is number 1. I don’t know, I’m no more at peace with it and I feel a strong feeling to break things off. It’s hard because he is so good to me! But I often feel like I’ll have to compromise on my convictions about what a godly lifestyle constitute. I dont see myself being led by this man, and I cant stay hoping he will change like I did in the beginning. I feel sometimes that I might be exaggerating lol, so I wanted to know you’re input on this.

    Thank you, and sorry for the length haha.

    • Hey Livy, sometimes we ask for advice on things we already know the answer too. Everything you mentioned is a sign that the two of you are unequally yoked. And about that scripture is very clear. You don’t want to ignore the signs now, because they will turn into a wildfire once you get married. Good luck! Justine

  23. 7 years in a loving relationship – within the 2nd year of our relationship he was diagnosed with an illness and we get through each day recently he now will not leave the house to go on short weekend trips to nature and sea side – am concerned he is isolating himself – we walk in the park nearby which is ok and I know he loves the sea. He said while I was helping him out of the bath “I wish I could End this relationship” I’m so needy”
    I felt hurt however while he sleeps I am sitting here thinking did he really mean that or shall I reassure him that I love him enough to endure his neediness and we will be ok – I will admit it’s been challenging and trying at times – please offer me your wisdom and courage to say what this man that I love deserves to hear. He is a loving kind man and we have been together for 8 years this year.🙏❤️

    • Hi Samatha, first of all I want to tell you how amazing it is that you love him so much and are committed to remaining in the relationship despite the challenges. I’m not sure whether or not the two of you are married, regardless of that it is great that you are sticking with him in the bad times. Concerning your question, I think you have to understand that your partner is fighting a lot of self-doubt and fear of failure. The fact that he is the one that needs you when the nature of a man is to be needed is hard for him. So I can understand that he might wonder whether he is worth your love and care. All you can do is to reassure him that you love him and want to be with him. However, you might also want to encourage him to seek therapy, so that his self-doubt doesn’t end up sabotaging your relationship. Blessings, Justine

  24. I prayed for a future husband then God showed him to me in my dreams,never minding the fact that I have never seen nor met this person. 6 months later, I met up with him. It was weird cause like this person is real and is standing right infront of me. Cut the story short, we dated 3 months later and after that, challenges started pouring and he became so distant I got so scared. I asked him what’s wrong and well financial issues etc
    . I tried to help him as much as I can but in that process we were drifting apart because lack of communication became an issue. I went down on my knees for guidance that’s when I came across the movie called War Room. “The battle he is facing is not mine,but my duty is to give him space and pray for him”. All I’m trying to say is, you might think he is not the one because of the signs but just remember you can meet up with your soulmate at the wrong time so I believe we met at the wrong time.Now all is needed is prayers for healing,repentance,restoration,redeeming and revelation. I have faith that what is destined will happen at the right time (divine timing).

  25. I just got broken up with by my 3 year boyfriend just two days ago (I’m 21 and he’s 23). I wish I had read this sooner, I felt as if I was always compromising and not being appreciated. He had his good days, but bad days outweighed the good ones. It seemed as if anytime he got stressed out, he would break it off with me and then shortly after talking with him, he regrets it and we continue on. This time, I was completely blindsided. Everything had been fine to me leading up to him breaking up with me. He was making plans to go on a family trip with me, buying furniture I liked because he said “I love you and I figured you’d like to have this furniture when we move in together”, made a lot of promises and plans for the summer. All of a sudden, he comes home and blurts out he wants to break up after being normal the night before, he was very ugly about and didn’t handle it well in my opinion. He treated me as if I was a stranger and not someone that has cared for him for years and that really broke me. But what broke me even more is that he claimed our relationship is good but that he’s willing to gamble in hopes to find something better. After reading this, I’ve realized he’s exhibited all these signs for so long, I was just engrossed in loving him to realize.

    • Hey Ray,

      I’m sorry you are going through this, but I’m glad you are able to self-reflect. Someone who is willing to ‘gamble’ in hopes of finding something better is definitely not worth your love. You should never allow a man to treat you like you are disposable. Work on yourself now and heal from this relationship so that you can forgive him and move on.

      Love & Light

  26. By Justin I’m in a very confused state now. I said yes to my fiance on March last year. Before and after then Iv been seeing red flags but I believed that he’ld change. I didn’t really pray before saying yes but when an issue ensued between us. My dad insisted that we must put a pause to the relationship and pray till God speaks. Finally there were confirmations that he was the one and I had to say a second yes,but I still feel troubled and I wish to be single again. What do I do. The question I keep asking myself is ‘Why did God say yes seeing that his life is still this way’. Secondly I am not prepared. I’m really dying to be single again. I wish I knew certain things before saying yes.What do I do Justin?

    • Hi Ifunaya,

      it sounds like you need wise counsel. Have the two of you been going to marriage counseling? Are you part of a church where you can meet with a pastor to discuss your doubts and concerns. If yes, I suggest you do so. It’s important that you feel God’s peace at every step so that you avoid feeling like this again. One way is to question yourself and ask why you agreed to marry him in the first place. If you feel like you said yes out of fear rather than out of faith then this might be an indication.


  27. I just started guy and he tells me me loves me for weeks then all of a sudden he stops saying I love you and he said I loved you we use to talk hours on the phone extra he stop calling me or talking to me then I get online and as soon as I do he says he had to go I’m so.confused I been asking and praying to God to not let me get broken hearted again I dont know if I would be able to handle it please help thanks

    • Hi Leslie,

      this might not be the answer you would like to hear, but I suggest you take it slow. If you just started seeing him, then you might have to pump the breaks, so that you do not get too invested too quickly. Remember that ‘dating’ is so that you can find out if the two of you are compatible. If he is showing you these signs early on, then it might mean that you are not.


  28. Hi there,
    I am seeking and would be greatly appreciative of some guidance. I’ve been involved in a toxic soul tie with a man for eight years. He rejects Gods live and has a lot of anger to work through, I was also not kind to him and it took my a while to find the light. However I know the part of him that is still good has connected deeply to me. I was feeling suicidal one day and he somehow wrote a letter addressed to “someone” on line about not giving up and ending the battle and that he’s not as strong as he pretends to be either. I truly believe that was God. Anyways, I did have to cut him off electronically again very recently because he was becoming unkind and using bad words with me. I asked God to remove the tie and allow me to move on. Two nights later I had a dream he was saying he cares deeply about me and loves me. I am so confused as to what I am supposed to be doing. Surely I am supposed to be walking away from this man but does God want me to help him??

    • Hi Jessica,

      to answer your question. No, I don’t believe God wants you to get hurt in the midst of helping this man. Please understand that you cannot change someone, only God can. If you want to trigger a change in this man you have to leave and allow him to build his own relationship with Christ and be transformed. Pray for him, point him towards people that can help him in his walk with Christ but don’t stay in this relationship because then you will get hurt.


  29. 2003 I started a relationship, but then I ended it even if he wanted me. now am a mother of three kids, the relationship now is nothing to write good about. I regret my wrongs with my past relationship, unfortunately for me my ex still think I should be is wife, I found out from my Facebook messages that he has always been expressing is feelings of love for me. now we are communicating only we are very far from each other, and I learned that things are not that good with him financially, he opened up to me that he is leaving with a lady and some other ladies are pressuring him for marriage even when they know he has nothing on him. He just started a new business and most times this ladies support him with money but they are not respectfully to him at all.But one of the lady who is also a mother of five, said that she chose him as her husband, even though he is not interested in her but in me. I love him but I have hurt him so much, he ask me to always text him and call him. he even said if I have not left him by now he would have been better in life, and he wants me as his soulmate.But I feel he his confuse because of his present situation; I pray for him but with this other ladies pressure on him, he his always complaining of how to pull out so he could be with me. please advise us on what is best for us now.thanks.

  30. Need advice 🙂
    I met this guy who i am really into. He is kind, has a good heart, healthy self esteem not arrogant and we really hit it off. Then the next time we hung out after meeting, it came up in conversation that he is an atheist. I was completely surprised. I am a Christian and I know 2 Corinthians says “ do not be yoked together with unbelievers” however, In another conversation yesterday he said something that strongly suggested he believes the Bible is true. Not out of wishful thinking, but I feel like his ‘I’m an atheist’ statement might be a defense of some kind or masking pain from the past ( he grew up without a Father who committed suicide when he was a baby) we discussed a couple stories from the Bible and what he said sounded like he believed the Bible was true.
    Even if I didn’t like him, at this point I don’t think it would be right to walk away from anyone like this without trying to help lead them to the truth. In fact I think it would be wrong. Does anyone have any suggestions? And can you please pray for him and for us? Thank you!

    • Hey,
      I’m glad you are so encouraged to teach this guy about God and the Bible. However, I strongly suggest you point him towards your trusted brothers in Christ or other communities to learn about Christianity. This is not because I think you are wrong, but because the situation can get messy really quickly. If you have hopes that you can ‘change’ him and benefit from the outcome then you are running the risk to get hurt. Sometimes all you can do is ‘help’ a person from afar.


  31. I prayed to God to show me if he is the one or not, for days I live in the grey area. He is sweet and stuff and then cold to me. He is a Christian guy and we lift each other, we grow together. He ghosted me once, but I felt like God made my fate cross with him not only for some weeks talking so I reached out to him and we were fine for some days, but now he doesn’t talk to me for days. I love him so much and he said he loves me. But, your point number 5 is like God showing me how He works in my life. I asked Him, and this guy suddenly disappearing. thank you so much.

  32. Hi Justine, thank you for reminding me of our God’s powerful and amazing love.

    I have been struggling to find peace with the end of my last relationship, which was short but intense at the same time. He is not a believer. After the first date I realized he had a destructive lifestyle. At first I prayed and decided to walk away however that was short-lived. I became vulnerable and was naive to fall for his words that I “didn’t even get to know him”. In that vulnerability I became weak and decided to give him a second chance. I had begun to emotionally over invest to the point where I became anxious and insecure. He was very sexual and always hinted at his sexual interest and needs with me. I did not engage in a sexual relationship with him during the 3 months we knew each orhdI think every one of the red flags were there 1-5 that said he was not the one for me. He was always hot and cold with me, didn’t give me his time and yet would want all the other benefits. I had the courage to tell him that he needed his space and I needed to let him go.
    2 months later he showed up at my house with weed in his hand. I didn’t go outside to see him because my mom was with me. I couldn’t introduce him to my mom under the influence.
    It was the most difficult thing I ever did. I wept inside the house.

    I prayed to God that Dave will become Lord Jesus’s bridegroom and church. I know my God loves Dave. God bless to everyone who loves in Lord Jesus.

    • Hey Sanjeshni, you did the right thing by letting him go. It’s hard but you will never regret forsaking something for God, trust me. Love & Light Justine

  33. Hi, my boyfriend ask me for time and space. His excuse is because he have family conflict. We did not text one another like we used to. I thought that our relationship will end but everyday he will wish me Good Morning. Just that. Our conversation getting cold. One night, i was hoping that his Goodnight text will be the last chat between us. I pray to God that if he is not the one for, it will end just like this which means he will not text me again after this. But if he is for me, he will text me early in the morning ( because he usually text me Good Morning after 8am liddat). Then the next day I woke up, he text good morning at 6 am. I even dreamed that I was with his mom went for shopping. I even pray so that this feeling toward him will fade away because me and him are impossible to be as one. I’m a believer and he’s not. I did prayed to God, that I would not fall for any guy which is not for me bcs I dont eant to waste my time one them. But 2 / 3 months after that, I just realized I fell for him. Which is not supposed to happen.

  34. This was a great read. Only one thing here really applied to my current situation and its not compromising on dealbreakers. My boyfriend is great, very mature, respectful, understanding and has demonstrated his love for me and I love him too. Our relationship has been so easy. However, he is not a believer and as much as I want to hope that maybe he’ll come to Christ one day and I still do whether or not we end up continuing our relationship, there’s a possibility he might not and that’s going to be really hard in the long run. Now that I’m falling more in love with Jesus, I know what I want in a husband and for my children and that is for them to know the Lord. I don’t want to go through what my parents went through or worse but I feel terrible just walking away. I am going to tell him the truth about what I feel but I know its not going to end well and that he’s going to be hurt.

    • Hey, I’m sorry you are finding yourself in that situation, but I think you are having the right mindset. A future marriage with someone whose values are not the same will only hurt. Be honest and tell him that that’s your fear. Sometimes our absence from someone influences them more than our presence.

  35. This is a good article and hit me hard. I have a long history with the same man and it’s hard to let go. But I guess god has had different plans for me if he keeps taking him out my life. I’ve known bob (changed his name) since I was 15. We got pregnant when I was 19 and we got married. We had a beautiful baby girl. Life was good we had good and bad times but we were young and had a baby. A year after she was born he decided he was not happy and left. I managed all our bills, the apartment, working full time and full time school. After 6 months he came back we started to talk again. He said how much he missed us and wanted to try harder, we got back together. We bought a house and had a baby boy 2008. Life was hard living check to check both working full time. I work night shift to make more money and save us money for childcare. In 2013 he said again how he is not happy, come to find out he was having an affair. He left, and it was extremely hard for me. The divorce was ugly, and he let his new gf tell me a lot of stuff. We didn’t have a coparenting relationship at all Bc of her. He hardly saw our kids at all Bc he let her control that. They got pregnant before our divorce was even final. I struggled for a long time but kids and I pulled through. I went to school again, bought a new house, work full time, and all my spare time went into the kids. I finally got comfortable with my life, only part missing was the kids barely had a relationship with their dad Bc of his choices. Well just recently now almost 2 years he ended everything with the other girl. He told me how much he messed up and miss us and wants to fight for our relationship. We became close, our kids love having him around and fixed their relationship. We even built a relationship with his other son which will be the kids half sibling. We started to do a lot together and make plans for the future. The trust was hard but I tried my best we even started counseling. But he started to change again, slowly choosing not to come over, always having an excuse, his patience ran low with me, he started to roll his eyes all the time and just get mad and annoyed with me all the time. Well now I feel like a bigger idiot Bc now again he is saying he is not happy he prefers to be single. He was hoping his feelings would change but they never did…. now I feel like a idiot Bc I have constantly let this man in all the time hoping for a change but he never does. Why continue to enter someone’s life if you don’t want to be with them…

    • Hey! I’m sorry that you are going through this but I’m glad you are acknowledging your part in this. Allowing him to come back into your life ON HIS TERMS 3 times after disrespecting and betraying you is what has brought you a lot of pain. You have to cut all your personal ties to him and allow God to change him, while you work on yourself. He clearly has a problem with commitment and needs to change, but it’s not your job to stick around. You have to break free and finally start living for yourself and your kids. Consider seeking counseling to deal with the pain you endured in that relationship so that you can move on healed. Love & Light Justine

  36. Hi Pls do well to reply me, thanks

    I met this guy in the choir…choir director. Was once a music pastor.. later discover I had beginning to havea crush on him but I kept my distance alway from him…we rarely talk.

    And I pray for 2 months that God will turn my heart away from him. I almost left the choir. But since last week this same brother started texting me early and late in the night util we went to a first date last Saturday. Now after o2 days he started ignoring my text or responding as he does immediately. I invited him 3 days ago for a christian seminar…it took him 2days to response a by text early ours of 4.30am. after I had to call him to check if it was is terminal filled father died or what. He didn’t pick the call but sent that text to tell me is papa is doing badly and he can’t come to the seminar. Now I am so pissed off …we are both divorced with kids for several years. So we are not babies. Now my question is all this while I found him online on catsup or facebook. I am feeling terrible bad. Why ….I was so happy but now what. I felt we have a lot in common, vision and dream.ihad peace. Before now I had Nolan now for remarriage becos of an abusived marriage, until I got crush on him first, .thinking this is Gods leading. I am Africa he is Swiss. He send me photos of his sons and dying father or what he is doing there and then. Now I don’t know to go to the choir or not…I really do love the choir is like a therapy to me.

    Please I am looking forward to your reply soonest.



    • HI Pat, I think you need to take a step back and distance yourself from the situation. It sounds to me like you are reading a lot into it, without him giving you clear intentions. Base what you do on his level of investment. So if he is actively pursuing you, then reciprocate but if he is not showing any initiative, then give him space and move on.

  37. Thanks for this post, Justine.
    I have a boyfriend and we’ve been together just this year. We are both faithful in the church and doing full-time ministries in our respective churches. My concern is that his Pastor and his Pastor’s wife are both obviously disagree about our being in a relationship.
    This obvious disapproval is going on since 4 years ago when he started showing interest in me, during courtship and even until now that we’re already in a relationship. At first, I thought they were just strict on us because I was still studying in their seminary and that dating isn’t allowed but even after I graduated a year ago, we still experience the same indifference.
    All other church people and other Pastors are happy about us except his Pastor and that his permission on us is either very passive or an aggressive “no”. This matter created sadness and insecurity in my heart. Knowing we don’t have favor from him, I felt judged and depressed.
    I know that I should listen to God’s leading and I respect the authority God gave to Pastors, I start to doubt now whether my boyfriend is really the one for me.

    • Hi Marguerite, thanks for sharing this with me. It sounds to me like you are putting a lot of value on other people’s opinions. While I agree with you that pastors have been given authority on earth to lead and guide us, that’s all it is, guidance. They should not be the one to approve of your marriage. If you know, you are doing the right thing and honoring God in your relationship, then I believe you doubting the relationship because of them is a problem of self-esteem rather than them being complicated. Honestly ask yourself why you are trying to live up to their expectations if God has already approved of you? Love & Light Justine

  38. Hi,
    My boyfriend and I of a little over 2 years broke up about a month ago and I’m heartbroken. I was in a relationship prior to him for about 2 years that was horrible. I prayed everyday after that relationship ended for God to send me a loving, trustworthy, honest, loyal, hardworking, Christian man, that would be a partner that I could spend my life with. After praying this for about a year and a half God sent him. I have never been happier. I truly feel like God answered my prayers when I met him. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about him. We spent a lot of time with each other, including with our respective families. Spent every holiday together and went through some fairly significant life changing events, illnesses, deaths, birthed, and we were each there for the other. Both of our families wanted to see us married. The relationship ending has been shocking to everyone including each of our families. I don’t know what to do. I pray and read my Bible daily but I feel so lost. I truly believe he was sent by God. Without him I feel as if I’ve lost my best friend and a piece of me. He has been married before with his divorce being final 6 years ago. I asked if he still loved his ex wife and he said he did but I truly don’t think that’s what’s going on. He says he cares about me but can’t give me all of him. Is there anyway this relationship can work?

    • Hi Jess, I’m sorry you are going through this, but I’m glad you wrote in. You said you asked him if he still loved his ex and he answered yes and that he can’t give you all of him. But yet you refuse to accept that and are looking for a way to make it work. However, if you continue to disregard that important information it won’t. I believe he did the right thing breaking it off if he is certain that he is not able to give you 100% of him at this point. So your prayer should not be for him to return but for him to heal. And why he does that you have to go back to the drawing board and find out how you can tap into the same amount of happiness you had in the relationship while you are single. I know it’s hard, but it’s doable. Give him space and focus on you, that is the only way it can work if at all, trust me.

  39. This is kind of dumb but there’s this boy that I thought was great, and he was very sweet and a Christian. I met him in A different state so if we were to have a relationship it would be long distance, so we text and a week after, he left me on delivered for two days then texted me like nothing happened. I don’t know if I should keep having a relationship or not.

    • Hey Elle, thanks for asking. So I think you might be reading too much into it. The boy and you just met and you do not have a relationship yet. And even if he is sweet and Christian, that does not mean he already qualifies as your boyfriend. The best is to relax and just get to know him, without an ulterior motive. If he is already showing you that he might not be that interested, then reduce your investment to match his and remember that he is not obliged to reciprocate the interest. Don’t fall head over heels for someone before they showed you they like you, okay ;). Love & Light Justine

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