Signs you are not ready for a relationship
Let’s be honest girls, when we are single we are very quick to say “God, where is my man? I am ready to be in a relationship”. However, when we finally get into one, the reality of being a girlfriend is, well let’s just say, a little harder than we thought.
For most of my 20’s I was wishing, hoping, and prying to finally find “The One”. And now that I have found him, I sometimes wonder if I am truly ready for a relationship.
Don’t get me wrong. I love him and I want to be with him. But just because you want to be in a relationship, doesn’t mean you are ready to be in one.
The sacrifices, compromises, and challenges you will face as a girlfriend, and surely as a fiancé or wife, are oftentimes more than we expect.
That’s why I figured, I’d help you identify the signs that you are not ready for a relationship. So, if you are wondering “Am I ready for a relationship?”, then this post will help you determine just that.
How do you know you’re not ready for a relationship – 5 Signs
1. You are not over your ex
As a relationship coach, I work with a lot of women that experienced a painful break up and are now ready to re-enter the dating field. However, one thing I learned from my work is that it does not matter how long you have been broken up with your ex unless you take conscious steps to get over him you are very likely to get into a rebound relationship even years after.
Therefore, before getting into a new relationship you have to truly ask yourself if you are over your ex. Are you over the good times, as well as over the bad times? Do you still hold on to pain or resentment from the relationship or to the idea of what could have been?
Because, if you don’t take the necessary steps to heal from the relationship you won’t be able to connect to the new man in your life and the relationship won’t last. So, if you haven’t properly processed, discarded, and healed from your last relationship then you are not ready for a new one yet.
2. You worry about the opinion of others
The most destructive thing you can do to yourself is to get into a relationship because of other people. Whether it is because of your family members, who love to remind you that you are getting older or your friends who constantly set you up with guys they believe are “cute”.
If you deep down believe that being in a relationship will help you gain their approval and respect or if you subconsciously feel left out because everybody else is in a relationship, then you have more inner work to do.
Because entering a relationship due to outward pressure is not only unfair for the guy who may have genuine feelings for you, but also a sign of insecurity.
3. You allow your insecurities to control you
Low self-esteem and insecurity can really play a game on our minds. Whenever you listen to your inner critic, without questioning your negative thoughts you are at risk to be controlled by them.
That’s why the belief that a relationship will validate you or give you worth is one of the most underrated but dangerous signs that you are not ready for a relationship. And one way to know if that is you is by asking yourself whether you believe that you need a man to be happy and enjoy your life.
There is nothing wrong with desiring to be married, however, if the desire is rooted in a feeling of emptiness or dissatisfaction with life it becomes an idol. And then you run the risk to get into unhealthy or even toxic relationships. Because if you don’t love yourself and feel confident in who you are you will never feel at ease and contempt in a relationship and therefore subconsciously sabotage the relationship.
Therefore, you will only be truly ready for a relationship if you can find joy outside of a man. You have to become the one now, that you can attract the one later.
4. You lack vision/purpose
A lot of us girls grow up with a clear vision of our wedding day, our future husbands, and kids. However, we oftentimes lack a vision or purpose for our lives outside of that. While playing house an envisioning your romantic life is a good thing, it becomes a problem if you don’t know what you want your life to look like outside of that.
Without an idea of what you need and want from a man and a relationship, you will invest (waste) time in relationships that are unfulfilling and going nowhere. You will date men in cities you don’t intend to live in, you will date men that want a stay-at-home wife even though you love working and you will date men that don’t want to get married until their late 30’s even though you desire to be a young wife/ mother.
That’s why if you only date for the sake of dating, without a purpose behind it, it’s a clear sign that you are not ready for a relationship, yet.
5. You idolize marriage
I want you to be honest with yourself. Are the majority of your prayers, prayers for your future husband? Are most of your sad moments triggered by a feeling of loneliness? Then you might be idolizing marriage and relationship, which is not a good starting point to attracting love.
The truth is, relationships are not a cure for loneliness. Even though love, affection, and companionship are noble things to desire, they are not the answer to your feeling of dissatisfaction and will not fill your void.
Because if you allow unhappiness and desperation to be the decision-maker you will repeatedly get into relationships with the wrong men and find yourself heartbroken more often than necessary.
So, if you feel lonely and bored and believe a relationship might fix it, then you are definitely not ready for a relationship.
Did any of the signs that you are not ready for a relationship resonate with you? If yes, then ask yourself “Do I want a relationship, or am I just lonely?”. Once you identify your core beliefs about what being single and what being in a relationship means, you will know what you have to work on. Because it only takes a few minor mindset shifts to become relationship material.
What does it mean to not be ready for a relationship?
Just because you may find out that you are not ready for a relationship yet, doesn’t mean you can’t get ready.
As mentioned above, there are many reasons why someone might not feel ready to be in a relationship. It’s important though to accept when you are not ready for a relationship and not date or get into a serious relationship.
Instead, focus on getting ready.
How to get ready for a relationship
Now that you know the signs that you are not ready for a relationship, it is important to figure out to how to get ready.
And the first step is to look at yourself and identify whether your beliefs, attitude, and behaviors make you a good partner.
While there is a limit to the amount of self-development you can do as single women, you have to ensure that you do as much as you can. The fact is, one of the best things you can do for your future partner is to work on yourself until you meet him.
So, make it a point to assess your beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors by assessing the health of your current relationships.
By looking at what type of people you attract into your life, you can identify what your subconscious beliefs about your self-worth are.
Do your family and friends treat you with kindness or do they display toxic traits? You have to understand that your romantic relationship is not the only relationship in your life.
Therefore, the same patterns you observe in your romantic will often repeat themselves in your friendships. Because you subconsciously allow people with the same good or bad character traits into your life.
What are the emotions and feelings that govern your behavior? Do you find yourself acting out of fear or faith most of the time?
By taking a closer look at your state of mind whenever you are in control or not in control of a situation you become more conscious of your default reactions. Relationships are the playground for our ego, therefore, it is important you learn to get back to peace so that you can respond, rather than react.
Last but certainly not least, I want you to look at how you respond to the people around you. Do you show love and appreciation for your friends and family? Do you speak to them with kindness and gratitude?
Remember that you will not miraculously change once you get into a relationship. If you have a hard time being vulnerable with your closest friends, chances are high you will have a hard time opening up to a man.
By incorporating healthy, supportive, and loving behaviors as a single woman, you are successfully becoming relationship material.
Am I ready for a relationship?
If you read the whole article and still aren’t sure whether you are ready for a relationship, then the following bullet points might help. It’s a summarized list of how you will feel, think, and act when you are on the right track:
- You believe in love and get excited when you think of it
- You are open to learning more about men and how they act in relationships
- You are confident about your value and worth
- You are healed from the past and don’t hold on to hurt and resentment
- You enjoy your single life and don’t put all your hopes into a relationship
- You are ready to create beautiful memories with another person
- You love yourself, flaws and all
- You are willing to be completely vulnerable with another person
- You are not depending on someone else to make you happy
- You don’t expect anyone to change for you