Situationship meaning – Everything you need to know!
There is no topic that I get asked about more than situationships. Which is probably why I decided to write an entire book on it.
Because now more than ever good girls like you, if that’s what you want to call yourself, are getting caught up in undefined relationships. Most of the time unwillingly, but sometimes out of sheer underestimation.
Usually, because you don’t believe you will catch feelings for your casual fling, as long as you don’t do XYZ. Newsflash. You can remove sex, you can remove hanging out during the day, and you can remove talking on the phone, but even then it’s very likely that you will start to develop feelings for him.
If you don’t believe me, watch Friends with Benefits. Because Mila Kunis tried it and failed!
But I get it. If you know my story, then you know that I used to be the queen of situationships. I would go from one situation to the next, always praying that this time we would become more than just friends (with benefits).
Well, 99 percent of the time it did not happen until that last situation I was in, which I successfully transitioned into a real relationship. I go into detail about how I did it in my book “From Situationship to Relationship”.
In it, I share the exact steps I took to go from casual hangouts and just “kicking it” to intentional time together and a commitment. What might sound easy now, wasn’t easy at all. Not because of him, but because of me. I needed a complete mindset shift before I was even ready to demand what I deserved.
But before I get caught up in how to go “From Situationship to Relationship” let me get back to the real reason I am writing this post today. Of course, if you want to know more about the book, just use this link to check it out on Amazon.
Anyhow. Today’s post is what I wish I would have had years ago when I first started dating men that were clearly emotionally unavailable or not ready to commit. It’s the answer to all your
“What if” questions regarding situationships so that you do not waste unnecessary time with someone that just isn’t that into you.
Because I know deep down you are hoping that the casual fling you have now can become the relationship you want. And sometimes it can. But I’d rather you have all the facts now to make an informed decision than assuming you can get him to commit and then find yourself heartbroken down the road.
Remember, trying to convert f-boys, narcissists, and straight-up players into boyfriends is a waste of time. Here is:
Everything you need to know about Situationships!
What is a situationship?
A situationship in its essence is an undefined relationship. Meaning a relationship without any labels. The two of you are romantically involved with each other, without ever making it official. A lot of times it feels like a pseudo-relationship, because of the amount of time you spend together. However, without a commitment, it remains a situationship. Depending on whether or not there is physical intimacy involved, you can also call it friends with benefits arrangement.
What is the difference between a Situationship and Relationship?
The main difference between a Situationship and Relationship is that there is no commitment. Both of you are free to date other people. You are not officially boyfriend and girlfriend and therefore do not have to meet each other’s requirements and expectations or assume the responsibilities of a partner. That’s why a situationship is oftentimes very attractive to men (and women). You get to enjoy the benefits of a romantic relationship without the responsibilities of it.
How do you know if you are in a Situationship?
There are usually multiple signs that you are in a situationship. Some of them are very obvious, because of his behavior and some of them are more subtle. The main signs you are unofficially dating are:
- There is no commitment (talk)
- There is no consistency
- The relationship is private/ secretive
- Your conversation topics are superficial (no emotional vulnerability)
- He tells you he “does not want a relationship”
While you will see each of these points come up, it sometimes can get very confusing. Some men will have deep conversations with you, which will make you believe there is more to the relationship. And others won’t confirm that they don’t want to have a relationship so that they can continue to string you along until they find someone new.
Therefore, the most reliable indicator that you are in a pseudo-relationship, is your intuition. If you think something is off, something is off.
What are the Situationship rules?
Well, the funny thing is, there are no rules in a situationship. That’s what makes it so attractive! You don’t owe him anything and he doesn’t owe you anything. You are both in it to have “fun”… and then a meltdown.
But, if I were to speak from a man’s perspective. Then yes, there would be the following rules to not get attached:
- Don’t become friends on social media
- Don’t commit to any plans in the future
- Don’t introduce each other to friends and family
- Don’t get too attached (open up to each other)
- No public display of affection
Yep, I’m pretty sure these points are part of a man’s situationship rulebook.
How long do Situationships last?
This is probably the most tricky part. A situationship usually lasts as long as both people remain unattached. Once one of you (usually the woman) falls for the other person, there are two options. Either, he still isn’t looking for anything serious and will end things with you. Or he has developed feelings for you as well and decides that he wants to be in a committed relationship with you.
Either way, you do not want to wait until you have feelings for him to find out whether or not he wants to be in a relationship. Ideally, you want to assess the situation before it’s too late and you find yourself in a one-sided love story.
One way to do it is by finding out what type of guy he is. “Type A” who is open for more, but just hasn’t met the right one yet? Or “Type B”, who is happy living the bachelor’s life and not looking to give it up.
There is a very specific exercise you can do to find that out and protect yourself from being rejected. I go into detail of how to do it in my book “From Situationship to Relationship”, which you can download and start reading right away.
How long should you casually date someone?
I believe the question here is really “how long is too long to wait for a commitment?”. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. Some men will take a few weeks to know whether or not they want to be in a relationship with you. While others will take months. You just need to know what timeframe you will accept.
Therefore, a good rule of thumb is to observe how long it takes the two of you to get to know each other’s personalities. The reality is, at one point you have an idea of each other’s strengths and weaknesses and can determine if you like them or not.
So, if you are seeing each other twice a week, have been out in public together and had conversations about life, then that’s when a relationship should be taken from casual to committed if that’s what you want. Because by then he should know if he enjoys spending time with you or not.
How long before exclusive talk
As mentioned before, you don’t want to wait until you have caught feelings to bring up the “what are we” conversation. Instead, be proactive and talk about it early on. Either to determine if a situationship is really for you or to decide whether it’s time to end it. However, you definitely want to bring up the topic of exclusivity after the 3 months mark.
Can situationships turn into relationships?
The short answer to this question is yes. You can transition from situationship to relationship if both of you are willing to. It’s not always easy, because a lot of men do not want to give up the perks of a situationship for the perceived problems of relationships.
But if he likes you and believes that a relationship with you is more attractive than his single life, he will. And I know, you are wondering “How can I get him to see that?”. Well by making him feel like he won the lottery and connecting to his heart.
The only way to make a man want to commit is by showing him that a relationship with you is the life upgrade he has been waiting for. And no worries, it’s not as hard as you might think.
By being very intentional with my actions, I was able to go “From Situationship to Relationship“ in a matter of weeks. And I documented each step in my book. I even included the exact conversation scripts and exercises that helped me inspire him to commit.
How to tell if he wants a relationship?
I know it can be terrifying to prompt the commitment talk if you don’t know what he is thinking. Will he be receptive to what you have to say? Will he get mad if you bring it up? Or will he end things with you completely?
Honestly, there is no way for you to know how he thinks about a relationship with you until you bring it up. So, do not chicken out, but speak up for yourself. However, there are a few hints you can look out for to know whether he is open to a relationship with you.
- He stops seeing other girls
- He gets jealous whenever you mention other men
- Your conversations are more intimate
- He plans real dates
- He introduces you to his friends and family
All these points are indications that he likes you and enjoys your company. So, if he does that, chances are high he wants a relationship.
Can you be friends after a Situationship?
In theory, yes. In reality, good luck. The problem with being friends after a situationship is that most of the time it ends because one of you (usually the woman) caught feelings and the other one did not. And being rejected by someone hurts. No matter how long you dated. Therefore, it will take some time to get over him and accept that the situationship ended. As long as emotions are involved, I highly doubt you want to be friends with him and watch him date other women.
How to end a Situationship
Ending a situationship can be hard because you want to make it work. But you have to be real with yourself and assess if staying and risking heartbreak is worth it. The best way to slowly or abruptly end a situationship is by distancing yourself from him. Do a reality check and remind yourself daily that he does not want to be with you. Then proceed to meet him less and only respond to his calls or text when necessary. Find a way to distract yourself, so that you are less tempted to go back to him.
What to say to end a Situationship
Another tough conversation to have is the break-up talk. For this conversation, you will need to put on your big girl pants and a no-nonsense face. You want to be respectful, but firm and tell him that the relationship the way it is, does not work for you. Be honest and focus on what you want for yourself, not what he should do.
You don’t want to blame or shame him into being with you. Instead, you simply want to share your decision using feelings language as described in my book “From Situationship to Relationship”. By following some of my most powerful conversation scripts you remain in control of the conversation, without losing your confidence or your temper.
That shows him that you love yourself enough to end things with him and allows you to leave with your head high.
How to get over someone you never dated?
Getting over someone you never officially dated, is just as hard as getting over a boyfriend. Because you most likely were emotionally and/or physically intimate and developed feelings for him. Therefore, you have to treat it like a real breakup and do the following:
- Accept that the relationship was not good for you
- Initiate the “no contact” rule
- Focus on yourself
The only way to heal from the situationship is by reflecting on it and understanding why you agreed to it in the first place. We all have a desire to be in a relationship, however, if your motive for staying is rooted in fear or pride it will lead to situationships over and over again. And that is something you want to avoid in the future.