10 Signs of an emotionally unavailable man
This blog post has been in the making for a long time, because the topic is highly requested, but also highly sensitive.
Emotionally unavailability is one of those words that we all like to throw around whenever we are mad, hurt or being funny without knowing what it really means and who it truly refers to.
That’s why I wanted to write an article about what being emotionally unavailable means, how you can spot emotionally unavailable men and how to deal with someone who is emotionally unavailable.
So brace yourself for a very detailed, but super informative post on 10 signs of an emotionally unavailable man.
Emotionally unavailable meaning
As always let’s start with the most important part. And that is understanding the term and what it even means.
For the sake of our topic today I am defining emotionally unavailability in the context of a relationship: Emotionally unavailable in a relationship
Refers to a person who refrains from sharing his/ her feelings in an effort to avoid emotional intimacy with their partner, oftentimes causing their loved one to feel unloved or unwanted.
Pretty deep right!
Most of the time a man will subconsciously be emotionally unavailable simply because he is trying to distance himself. Maybe because he does not want to be too invested, fall in love or keep you from falling in love.
However, even though he does not mean it out of malicious intent and does not want to hurt you, he unwillingly ends up doing exactly that. He hurts you because he is making you feel unwanted or unloved by depriving you of his love.
So, now you might ask yourself how can a woman protect herself from an emotionally unavailable man?
The best way to protect yourself from someone that is emotionally unavailable and maybe not ready to enter into a committed relationship is by spotting the signs he is emotionally unavailable.
These signs of a man that is emotionally unavailable are both, obvious and not so obvious. And oftentimes they only become evident when you are already dating the other person, which can lead to a lot of heartbreak.
Either way, the following emotionally unavailable men characteristics can be helpful when you are trying to figure out if someone is ready to be in a relationship with you.
Emotionally unavailable signs
1. He is distant
Number 1 is the most obvious sign of an emotionally unavailable man and that is that he is distant and keeps you at arm’s length.
He does not want to share much about himself but also does not want to know much about you. He rarely asks you questions that require a vulnerable or deep conversation.
When you are dating an emotionally unavailable guy you will often feel like something is missing and as if there is a disconnect. The conversations don’t flow and you find yourself trying hard to get something ‘interesting’ out of him.
If that’s your current situation then that might be a sign that he is not the right one for you.
2. He hangs on to past hurts
A lot of people that are emotionally unavailable have had bad experiences in the past that led to their current behavior. While not every experience has to include childhood trauma that could be the case.
However, more often than not a man will take a step back from vulnerability if they have experienced a painful breakup after opening up in a past relationship.
He will try to protect himself from that same hurt by putting up a wall so that he can’t get too vulnerable or intimate with you.
While he might think he is protecting his heart from being broken again, he is also preventing his heart from experiencing love again.
3. He is secretive about the past
Number 3 refers to men that have been heartbroken or have been the ones that did the heartbreaking.
A person that connects a bad experience to their past relationship, either out of guilt or out of shame might be more secretive about it.
You might feel that he doesn’t want to open up about his ex or talk about the reason why the relationship ended.
That means he is avoiding sharing the part of him that would reveal his flaws, fears or hurt because he is not ready to face it yet.
Unfortunately, we only grow into good partners that are capable of a healthy and loving relationship when we learn to acknowledge and deal with past toxic or unloving behavior.
So, if he is not ready to face his demons just yet, chances are high he will have a hard time connecting to you emotionally.
4. He sabotages the relationship
I’m not too sure if this point is considered conscious or subconscious behavior, but what I know is that people who are emotionally unavailable will look for flaws in the relationship that justify their behavior.
They will find reasons why you don’t meet their ‘requirements’ or cannot be trusted and will accuse you of being too emotional, too needy or too anything just to have an excuse not to open up.
They manipulate you into thinking that you expect too much from them and are unwilling to be patient or allow the relationship to grow.
Obviously, this sign of an emotionally unavailable man is also a sign of toxicity, therefore pay good attention to this type of behavior.
5. He is overly seductive
So, this emotionally unavailable men characteristic is one that I experienced myself first hand.
A man that can be described as a ‘Casanova’ is usually very good at smooth talk. He is the type of guy that will say exactly what you want to hear. And instead of sharing his opinion on important matters he will just agree with you to avoid a discussion.
Because of that, conversations tend to be one-sided, mostly about you and tend to get sexual quickly.
He will show great interest in how to seduce you, but little interest in who you are as a person. Most of the time, because he has an ulterior motive and sometimes because he avoids authenticity and is putting on a mask.
Even though it’s very easy to be flattered by an overly seductive man, those sparks quickly die down when you realize that there is no deeper connection.
Therefore, the only type of woman that enjoys this type of relationship is an emotionally unavailable woman (yes they exist too).
6. He dismisses your feelings
Okay listen up, I don’t want you to get this sign of an emotionally unavailable man wrong, because not every man that doesn’t know how to deal with a woman’s feelings is emotionally unavailable.
However, a man that repeatedly reacts cold and uncaring to your feelings most likely has a hard time connecting to his own feelings (more on that in #10). Therefore, he gets uncomfortable or mad when you share your feelings of fear, sadness or anger.
And when you try to share your worries or challenges he says you’re too sensitive and dismisses them. Which usually leads to a feeling of loneliness and rejection in the relationship.
7. He does not invest in the relationship
One of the signs that someone is emotionally unavailable that you can only spot later down the line is when he does not invest in the relationship.
A healthy relationship is when two people give and take equally and are willing to compromise
A man that is emotionally unavailable is reluctant to make you a priority. You will feel like you have to try super hard to make things work because he turns down every attempt of you showing him love, appreciation or care.
Chances are that he is not invested in the relationship and therefore does not want you to be either.
If you are already in a committed relationship with someone who is distant than my hope is that he is taking baby steps towards becoming emotionally available. And if not really think about whether or not you want to pursue the relationship and risk being married to an emotionally unavailable husband.
8. He is apprehensive to relationship progress
This goes without saying and closely relates to the previously mentioned sign of an emotionally unavailable man. A guy that wants to keep the relationship casual and is apprehensive about progressing the relationship is avoiding the next level of commitment.
Meaning that he is happy with the way things are now, whether it’s a situationship or a relationship without purpose, he is comfortable because he does not have to give more of himself.
Sometimes that means he does not introduce you to his friends or family members or maybe he does not want to meet with you as often as you would like to.
It’s pretty much the next level of intimacy he is trying to avoid because out would require him to open up more.
9. He lacks an emotional connection to himself
Here is a very important thing to note, and that is that men, in general, have a far smaller emotional vocabulary than women. Meaning that they have a harder time communicating their feelings.
This is because men, unlike women, rarely discuss feelings with their friends or family members.
Therefore, they don’t need to know how to verbalize them. And if they don’t talk about their feelings anyways, the chance that they think about them is very slim as well.
All that to say that it takes men a while until they are able to communicate, face or deal with their emotions. Some men will make an effort to grow emotionally for the sake of a relationship, others won’t.
The once that don’t, lack an emotional connection to themselves and therefore have a harder time to connect to a woman emotionally.
10. He does not have good intentions
Believe it or not, some people just straight out have no interest in being emotionally available because they have no good intentions for you.
A guy that only wants to use you, will not try to connect to you on a deeper level. He will purposefully only share as much as is needed to get what he wants.
This guy is essentially a player and will only break your heart.
While I strongly suggest you run when you detect this sign of an emotionally unavailable man, I believe that some men that display these other characteristics can still become great partners.
As long as you know how to deal with someone who is emotionally unavailable, without losing yourself.
How to deal with an emotionally unavailable man
Entering a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man is a slippery slope that I don’t recommend.
However, I personally know that men who are emotionally unavailable do not always mean harm and therefore deserve a shot at love just as anybody else does.
Moreover, it is important to note that emotional unavailability is not gender-specific. Meaning it’s not just men who can behave distant or cold. In reality is it a matter of trust, which affects women as well.
Therefore, if you are dating or in love with someone that is emotionally unavailable, it is important to create a safe space for them in which they feel comfortable enough to share their real self with you.
You have to give him the assurance that his emotions are safe with you and that you have his back. That means you cannot use his weaknesses against him at the first sign of an argument.
The best way to break down his barriers of distrust and fear is by being vulnerable and emotionally available yourself. If you give that part of yourself he will be encouraged to follow suit.
I hope this blog post on 10 signs of an emotionally unavailable man answered all your questions.
Please share your thoughts, experiences, and challenges with emotionally unavailable people BELOW!