Walking away from an emotionally unavailable man
Have you ever been in a relationship, where it felt like you are begging your man to open up and be truly invested?
I have. And let me tell you, it’s not fun.
While I obviously can’t blame him for everything, I have come to understand one thing. When I realized that he was emotionally unavailable is when I should have asked myself if I really want to do that.
The truth is, dating an emotionally unavailable man is painful. Because you find yourself hoping, waiting, and trying to change him. Which we all know by now is a bad investment of your time.
When is walking away from an emotionally unavailable man the right thing to do? In this post, I want to share why cutting off Mr. Unavailable may just be the best thing you can do even if it hurts.
Should you pursue an emotionally unavailable man?
Urghh I feel so hypocritical for saying this because lord knows how many times I have done it. But I know better now and that’s why I can confidently say. No, you should not pursue an emotionally unavailable man.
At least not one that knows he is emotionally unavailable and has no desire to work on it.
The reason why I say this is because of what I mentioned above. If you are pursuing a relationship with a man, knowing very well that he can not give you the relationship you want right now, then you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.
I know it’s hard to believe, but trauma and fears run so deep, that some men are comfortable being emotionally unavailable. As a matter of fact, they choose to be because they believe it will keep them safe from rejection and abandonment.
So, if his subconscious mind tells him to not open up to a woman because if he does he will get hurt, there is no person in the world but himself through a lot of inner work that will ever be able to change his mind.
And even though you may think, you can… You really can’t.
But what if you already feel attached to him and know that walking away from an emotionally unavailable man will break your heart.
Why you should walk away from an emotionally unavailable man
First, let me say that I feel for you. Walking away from an emotionally unavailable man is not easy. Because with every step you take in the opposite direction, you feel like you are giving up on him and on the relationship.
You think of the many times he showed you a glimpse of what his heart looks like and how amazing things could be if he would “just” let you in.
But that’s the problem. The back and forth dance that most emotionally unavailable guys put you through becomes addictive. So much so, that you start feeling like you need to do more and be more in order for him to want to open up. But we both know that it is not your fault that that is not true.
1. It will mess up your self-esteem
One thing that I learned from dating emotionally unavailable men, is that you start questioning your own sanity.
Every time he rejects you or pulls away in order to protect himself, it triggers your own abandonment issues (which is a whole topic of itself) and therefore sends you down a mental spiral.
You suddenly start doubting your own self-worth, because you assume you are not good enough to be loved or trusted. Which in turn lowers your self-esteem.
And whenever our mental health gets negatively affected in dating it’s a big red flag that something is not right. You will find that a healthy relationship will build you up and increase your belief in yourself.
If, however, you feel drained and anxious, it means that you are spending all your energy on a man that is not putting in the same.
2. He may drag you along, knowing he isn’t ready
The worst thing that can happen when dating an emotionally unavailable man is that he will purposefully drag you along without the intent of ever becoming available.
Yes, ladies that happens. Some men know very well that they are not interested in taking the relationship to the next level and therefore purposefully avoid a deeper emotional connection.
And if you are not attentive, you run the risk of wasting your time in a relationship that has no future.
That’s why cutting off a non-committal man after you don’t see any effort or improvement is important. You never want to get to a point where you invested months or even years into a relationship that should have stopped at “hello”.
Understand that he won’t end the relationship if he doesn’t have to. I mean why would he? Having a girlfriend is very comfortable for most men, especially if the relationship meets their needs.
That’s why you have to be crystal clear from the start about what type of partner you want and communicate it so that he knows he won’t be able to drag you along.
3. You are blocking your blessings
Now, this point is very important to me, because I receive way too many emails from women that have been in 5, 8, or 10-year relationships with emotionally unavailable men and are still praying for him to change.
Ladies, understand that there is not only one man out there for you. That is simply not true.
And believe it or not, you are blocking the right man from coming into your life by holding on to the wrong one.
There are plenty of men out there that are emotionally mature and have learned to connect on a deeper level with their significant other. Which means that you don’t have to settle for someone that doesn’t.
Sometimes we have to believe that what we want is out there in order to leave behind what we don’t want.
4. You can’t change him
Another reason why I suggest walking away from an emotionally unavailable man after you have given it your best try is that you cannot change a man.
I know you want to try, and I know you think that’s what a “good girlfriend” should do.
But you don’t have to jeopardize or risk your mental health doing it.
People don’t change for others. People change when the pain of remaining the same outweighs the comfort of the status quo.
Unless he understands how remaining emotionally unavailable is pushing you away, sabotaging your relationship, and pushing you away, he won’t see the need to change.
He needs to want to be with you, more than giving in to his fears of rejection and abandonment.
It’s a decision that he needs to make himself and cannot be enforced by you.