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5 Reasons Why You Attract Emotionally Unavailable Guys

Why do I attract emotionally unavailable guys? 

Do you find yourself always attracting emotionally unavailable men? Have you noticed a pattern of dating people who can’t or won’t commit to a relationship? 

I know from experience how frustrating and disheartening it is to end up in the same situation over and over again.

The truth is, there are many reasons why you might be attracting emotionally unavailable guys. It could be related to your upbringing, your past experiences, or even your own subconscious beliefs about relationships. 

But the good news is that once you understand why this is happening.

You can start to make changes that will help you break free from this cycle and find the love and connection you truly deserve.

In this post, I’m answering the question, “Why do I attract emotionally unavailable guys?”

young couple sitting at the pier looking away from each other

5 Reasons why you attract emotionally unavailable guys

If you find yourself consistently attracting emotionally unavailable guys, you may be wondering what’s going on. Here are a few potential reasons why this could be happening:

1. Unresolved Trauma

If you’ve experienced trauma in the past, it is possible that you unconsciously attract emotionally unavailable people as a way to protect yourself from getting hurt again. 

And you may not even realize that you’re doing this. But your subconscious mind is drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable because they seem safer than those who are emotionally open.

2. Low Self-Esteem

If you struggle with low self-esteem, you may believe that you don’t deserve a partner who is emotionally available.

Because you may feel like you’re not good enough for someone who is willing to be vulnerable and open with you. 

As a result, you might unconsciously attract motionally unavailable guys because you believe that’s all you deserve.

3. Fear of Intimacy

If you have a fear of intimacy, there is a big chance that you unconsciously attract guys that are emotionally unavailable as a way to avoid getting too close to someone. 

You may be afraid of being vulnerable and opening up to someone, so you choose partners who are emotionally unavailable as a way to keep yourself safe.

4. Lack of Boundaries

If you don’t have clear boundaries, it is common to attract emotionally unavailable guys because you’re not setting clear expectations for what you want and need in a relationship. 

You then tend to allow guys to come into your life and treat you poorly because you don’t have clear boundaries in place.

5. Repetition Compulsion

I know this is a big word, but let me explain. Repetition compulsion is a psychological phenomenon where people repeat patterns of behavior that are familiar to them, even if those patterns are negative. 

If you grew up with emotionally unavailable parents or had past relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, you may be unconsciously attracting these types of guys because they’re familiar to you.

These are five possible reasons why you keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners. But it’s important to remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. 

It could be a combination of these factors or something entirely different. 

The key is to be aware of these potential reasons and work on addressing them so that you can attract the emotionally available partner you deserve.

young couple in the forest looking at each other with a cozy blanket covering them

How Do I Stop Being Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable Men?

If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable men, it can be a very painful experience. Because it chips away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. 

Thankfully, you can break the pattern and learn how to attract more fulfilling and healthy relationships.

1. Recognize the Pattern

The first step in breaking the dating pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable men is to recognize that you have a pattern.

Take some time to reflect on your past romantic relationships and identify any common themes or unhealthy patterns. 

This can help you identify the underlying issues that may be driving your attraction to emotionally unavailable partners.

2. Work on Yourself

Next, is that you have to work on yourself if you truly want to stop attracting emotionally unavailable guys

This can involve a variety of strategies, such as therapy, self-reflection, and self-care.

By focusing on your own growth and development, you can become more confident, self-aware, and emotionally resilient, which can help you attract healthier partners.

3. Set Boundaries

If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to men that are avoidant, it may be because you have a tendency to overlook red flags and tolerate behavior that is not acceptable. 

Setting clear boundaries can help you identify when someone is not meeting your needs and take action to protect yourself.

This can involve communicating your needs early and clearly, saying no when necessary, and walking away from an emotionally unavailable man and relationships that are not healthy for you.

4. Practice Mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness is a great way to manifest a better love life. Because it helps you become more present and aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. 

This helps you identify patterns in your thinking and behavior that may be contributing to your attraction to emotionally unavailable men.

By becoming more mindful, you can learn to recognize when you are falling into old patterns and take steps to break the cycle.

5. Be Patient and Kind to Yourself

Breaking the pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable men is not an easy process, and it can take time and effort.

So, be patient and kind to yourself as you work through this process, and remember that it is okay to make mistakes along the way. 

With time, effort, and self-reflection, you can break the pattern and start attracting healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

woman crying while man looks into the other direction

Why Do I Attract Avoidant Men?

If you keep finding yourself in relationships with avoidant men, it’s essential to understand attachment styles and how they affect intimate relationships.

Here are some reasons why you may be attracting avoidant men:

Unresolved Childhood Trauma

Your early childhood experiences shape your beliefs, behaviors, and relationships as an adult. 

If you grew up in an environment where your emotional needs were not met, you may have learned to suppress your emotions or feel uncomfortable expressing them.

As a result, you may attract partners who are emotionally unavailable, mirroring the same dynamics from your past.

Fear of Engulfment

If you have a fear of engulfment, it’s very likely that you unconsciously prefer partners who struggle with emotional connection too. 

You may feel more comfortable with men who keep their distance emotionally, as it allows you to avoid the vulnerability that comes with emotional closeness.

However, this can lead to a cycle of relationships with avoidant partners, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and disconnected.

Anxious Attachment Style 

If you have an anxious attachment style, chances are high that you attract men with an avoidant attachment style.

It’s because you unconsciously choose partners that make you feel needy, sensitive, and overwhelmed.

It’s a toxic relationship pattern that you tend to enter to confirm your pre-existing beliefs about relationships and yourself. I.e. that you are “too much in a relationship”. 

Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

If you have a history of unhealthy relationship patterns, such as codependency or enabling, it’s common to attract partners that are emotionally unavailable.

Because you are drawn to men who need “fixing” or who rely on you for emotional support, even if they cannot reciprocate.

This can lead to a number of relationships that are emotionally exhausting or even toxic. 

To truly break the cycle it’s essential to understand your patterns and work on developing a healthier relationship with yourself.

Once that is done, you will be able to attract a committed relationship with the right partner. 

Do Emotionally Unavailable Men Fall in Love?

You may have heard that emotionally unavailable men are incapable of falling in love, but that’s not entirely true. 

While it is more challenging for them to open up and express their emotions, emotionally unavailable men can still experience love and form deep connections with others.

However, it’s essential to recognize that emotionally unavailable men have difficulty expressing their feelings and do not show love in the traditional sense.

They struggle with vulnerability and intimacy, which makes it challenging to form lasting and meaningful relationships.

It’s also important to note that emotionally unavailable men may fall in love but struggle to maintain a healthy relationship. Because they have a history of pushing people away or sabotaging relationships due to their fear of intimacy or commitment.

If you’re in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, it’s crucial to have open and honest communication about your feelings and needs.

It is also helpful to seek the guidance of a therapist or counselor to work through any issues, or difficult conversations with your partner, as well as monitor your mental health.

So yes, an emotionally unavailable partner can fall in love, but it can take time and effort to build a meaningful relationship with him. 

Related post: Signs an Emotionally Unavailable Man Is in Love With You

Do Emotionally Unavailable Men Ever Come Around?

A lot of women wonder if emotionally unavailable men can change and become more emotionally available, the answer is yes and no.

It’s possible for someone to work on themselves and become more open and vulnerable, but it’s not guaranteed.

It’s important to remember that change is a personal choice and it’s not something that you can force upon someone. If an emotionally unavailable guy is not willing to work on himself and his issues, then he is unlikely to become more emotionally available.

Here are a few things to keep in mind if you’re hoping that an emotionally unavailable person will come around:

  • It’s not your responsibility to change him: You can support him and encourage him to work on himself, but ultimately it’s up to him to make the necessary changes.
  • Change takes time: It’s not something that happens overnight, so ask yourself if you want to sacrifice the time and patience it takes to see results.
  • Be honest about your needs and boundaries: If you’re in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, it’s important to communicate your needs and boundaries clearly. If he’s not willing or able to meet them, then you may need to consider whether the relationship is right for you.
  • Focus on your own growth and healing: While it’s great you want to support your partner, it’s very important to prioritize your own growth and healing. Take care of yourself and work on your own emotional well-being.

In summary, it’s possible for emotionally unavailable men to become more emotionally available, but it’s not guaranteed.

Therefore, be careful to wait for a potential partner to change. Instead, invest your time and effort into attracting a healthy partner that is ready for emotional intimacy. 

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