There is no topic that is requested more on my blog than this one. What is a situational relationship? Or in short. What is a situationship?
Unfortunately, more and more women find themselves in situations where they don’t know what is going on.
And I remember how icky that feeling is.
Whenever I was in a situationship, I would find myself doing all the typical things a girlfriend does.
Going over to his house, being intimate, and cooking a fun meal from time to time. But the reality was that I wasn’t his girlfriend. At least we had never talked about it. And for some reason, the topic felt kind of off-limits.
Well if that describes your current dilemma, then then I’m sorry to say that but you are officially stuck in a situationship.
Situationship Meaning and Definition
First things first. According to the urban dictionary a situationship is defined as:
A relationship that has no label on it.. like a friendship but more than a friendship but not quite a relationship.
Anybody else confused? Good! Because that is what people in situationships usually are.
It’s one of these new school terms used to explain a relationship that does not have a traditional label.
Yet, somehow everybody involved knows what it is. And with plenty of situationship memes on Instagram and Twitter, it’s really hard to miss the movement.
But here is how I define a situationship.
What is a Situationship?
A situationship is the twilight zone between a platonic friendship and a romantic relationship that two people enter into.
Oftentimes you are having sex without a commitment, while simultaneously referring to each other as “just friends”.
Unfortunately, the problem with situationships is that you often feel anxious and frustrated. Because contrarily to a real relationship you have no security, consistency, or reliability whatsoever.
Why you might “choose” a situationship vs. relationship
A situationship is not a relationship and differs in a fundamental way:
A situationship is a connection in which you are dating casually. While in a relationship you are dating exclusively and have committed to each other.
So the question is. Why would any woman get into a situationship instead of a relationship?
Well, just like I used to you may feel like a situationship is the only way to get into a committed relationship.
I mean, it’s no secret that many guys don’t want to commit anymore. So we assume that we have to prove to guys that we can be a good girlfriend.
In the past, I would get so desperate to be with a man that I would start to overcompensate during the dating phase.
I thought that is what will get him to commit.
So, I would offer him all the benefits of being with me without ever getting anything in return.
It’s almost like I used to allow men to test-drive and then they decided not to get the car. I know this sounds horrible, but that’s basically what it is. It’s the whole trying the milk for free without getting the cow thing.
Unfortunately, commitment is rarely the outcome. All a situationship does is put an expectation on you to keep acting like a girlfriend when you are really not.
Thankfully that does not have to be your story.
My boyfriend and I were in a situationship until I learned how to go From Situationship to Relationship. In a matter of weeks, we got into a committed relationship, even though when we first met he did not want a girlfriend.
So it is possible.
And I share the exact steps in my book From Situationship to Relationship. You can pick up a FREE copy of the 1st chapter here.
How do you know if you are in a situationship?
If you are wondering if you are in a situationship, then watch out for the following 10 Signs.
1. He doesn’t commit to plans
One of the great characteristics of a man that is truly ready to be your boyfriend is that he will commit to plans beforehand. When he is excited about an event, a festival or a party two weeks from now he will want you to join him and make sure you are aware and available.
A man that is only looking for a situationship will ‘hit you up’ last minute, with a non-committal ‘what you up to tonight’.
Sometimes without a follow-up text lol!
Therefore, the first sign that you are in a situationship is when you do not know when you will see the other person again because he has not committed to any plans.
2. He is inconsistent
Probably the most staple behavior of a situationship is also the most hated term in dating – ghosting.
You are definitely in a situationship if the man you are seeing or talking to ghosts you on a regular basis. Meaning he will pop in and out of your life without warning or explanation.
There is no consistency in how often you see each other or talk to each other. Sometimes you don’t hear from him for weeks at a time, because he is MIA and does not respond to text messages or phone calls.
That behavior is a sign that he is not serious about the ‘relationship’ and prefers his freedom. Meaning that he deliberately acts unreliable, so that you cannot expect more from him.
3. Conversations are boring (surface level)
Conversations in a situationship tend to stay on the surface level. Rather than talking about your dreams, fears, and insecurities you stay in shallow waters and discuss your hobbies, friends, and work.
That is because a situationship thrives when there is no ‘real’ emotional investment. No vulnerability means no closeness and no closeness means it will be easier at the end to part ways.
The only problem with that is that women tend to catch feelings faster than men and are prone to fall for someone even in situationships.
So, if you find yourself talking about the same ole stuff every time you meet, then that’s a clear sign that he does not want to open up to you and considers it a situationship.
4. Your gut tells you something is off
Ladies, I can’t say this often enough, but if you think you are in a situationship, then you are in a situationship.
If you repeatedly feel anxious or stressed by the ‘situation’ because of the uncertainty and ambiguity, then it’s because your gut is telling you that this is not a real relationship that you can rely on.
One of the primary needs of a woman in a relationship is security! Knowing that you are physically and emotionally safe. A situationship does not guarantee that. On the contrary, it actually leaves you out in the open wondering what you can and cannot do or say in order to protect yourself.
Therefore, you know you’re in a situationship when your intuition tells you.
5. There is no commitment
You would think this point is obsolete, but you’d be surprised how often I get the following question.
‘How do I know if I’m in a situationship if we never talked about our relationship status?’
Baby girl, you just answered your question with your question.
Have you never discussed your relationship status but feel like you need to? Then it’s because you are already participating in activities that traditionally belong in a committed relationship.
You are definitely in a situationship if you do not have a commitment from the other person. But you are acting like boyfriend and girlfriend when you are together.
In essence, the only thing that differentiates a situationship from a relationship is that both people sat down and discussed the terms of their relationship. What they expect from each other and what they are willing to contribute to each other’s lives.
Also called a commitment.
6. He tells you that he does not want a relationship
I hate hate hate that I have to bring up this point in most of my articles, but it seems like a lot of women need the reminder.
If a man tells you he does not want a relationship, then that means he does not want a relationship!
And all you should do is believe him. Do not try to change him, convince him or guilt-trip him into the opposite, because it will not work.
So, it’s very simple if the guy told you he is not ready to be in a committed relationship and you decided to remain in the situation anyways then you are officially in a situationship.
Because he is doing what is right by laying the cards out and you can exit stage left if you want to.
7. You keep the relationship private
People in situationships have no labels. You are not his girlfriend and he is not your boyfriend, however, when you try to explain what you are to someone it gets tricky. Because a simple ‘he is a friend’ excuse is not enough.
That’s why a lot of people keep situationships private or even a secret. No pictures together on social media, no outdoor dates, and no introducing each other to friends and family.
Women do so out of shame that others will judge and men do so out of fear that another dating interest may find out.
However, we all know that when you have to keep something hidden it’s usually not a good sign and in this case, it’s a sign that you are in a situationship.
8. You hide your feelings and emotions
One of the main reasons I hate situationships is because you get paranoid. You constantly fear that something is wrong and ask yourself ‘does he like me?’, ‘am I boring?’, ‘is he gonna leave me?’.
And in an effort to avoid coming off too clingy you now try to play it cool, by never bringing up your feelings or expectations. Which only makes the situation worse.
The secret to a healthy relationship is that both people honestly discuss their feelings and expectations with each other. They know that putting themselves first and openly communicating their own needs to their partner, will ultimately improve the relationship and not harm it.
In a situationship, on the other hand, women tend to worry that expressing their emotions will turn men off. Therefore we often suck in all our resentment and anger until we explode.
9. He is never your +1
Following the fact that you keep the relationship private, it is no surprise that he is never available when you have important events or social gatherings to go to.
Showing up in public as your +1 indicates to the world that y’all are an item. And that’s a problem if he wants to keep his options open and flirt or meet with other women.
Therefore, a tell-tale sign that you are in a situationship is when he comes up with all types of excuses as to why he cannot join you for important events such as birthdays, cookouts or work parties.
10. You only show affection when you are alone
Every girl who has ever been in a situationship can relate to this. When you are in a situationship with someone, the physical chemistry is dialed down to zero when you leave the house.
No holding hands, no hugging, and no kissing. It’s as if you two are good old friends from kindergarten, close but not that close.
There are no signs whatsoever that you two of you are a couple and some might even argue if you like each other. However, that changes once you are behind closed doors.
Individuals in a real relationship show each other affection on a regular basis and are not afraid to touch each other, because they have consent.
So, if you feel weird showing him your affection when you are outdoors, then that’s a sign that you are in a situationship.
Now that you know the signs of a situationship it’s important to understand the rules in a situationship.
If you decide to entertain a situationship, even though you secretly want a relationship, then you have to play by the rules or will seriously get hurt.
The other person is not your boyfriend/ girlfriend.
No matter if you guys do relationship activities and it feels like you share the same feelings unless you have an intentional conversation agreeing to be in a committed relationship you cannot expect him to take care of official boyfriend business.
You have to pay attention to their words and actions.
Don’t let your emotions cloud your judgment. It’s very easy to catch feelings for someone you spend a large amount of time with, which makes situationships so hard to navigate. However, your feelings for them are not enough to make it work, so don’t let your heart run your brain.
He won’t change, unless he wants to.
No matter how much you try to prove, convince, and argue your way into girlfriend status. Unless he is ready and willing to make it work, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. So don’t waste your time and effort trying to evangelize a guy that has already made up his mind, and go find someone that is looking for the same things as you.
By remembering each of these three situationship rules, you avoid falling for someone that is not ready to be your man and wasting your time waiting for him to get ready.
How long do situationships last?
There really is no timeline for how long a situationship will last. What usually happens is that one of the two (usually the woman) catches feelings and initiates the ‘what are we’ conversation.
Sometimes that conversation goes well and both people decide to make it official. However, more often than not, the conversation goes left and you part ways.
If you are strong and know what you deserve, you stay away for good or at least until he is willing to enter into a committed relationship.
If you are already too invested, it takes a while to really let go of him.
Either way, a situationship usually only lasts, if both people have no desire to be together.
Is a Situationship bad?
A situationship is bad if you secretly want to be in a committed relationship and not a situationship.
Because the problem with situationships is that most of the behaviors can really affect your mental well-being.
The fact that you are getting emotionally involved with someone that could exit your life at any time without explanation brings anxiety and stress.
You always feel like you are not good enough because you are wondering why he doesn’t want to commit. Trust me, it’s exhausting and heartbreaking.
And it will impact your self-esteem negatively.
As you know on this blog I root for real love and help people get into healthy and loving relationships and a situationship isn’t either.
Therefore, my suggestion is to end the situationship as soon as possible, if you can tell that he is not the right guy for you.
If you, however, have a special connection to him and believe he could be the one God has for you, then you need to turn your situationship into a relationship.
Like I did in my own relationship.
I came up with a strategy that will help you go From Situationship to Relationship which I share in my book.
In it you will learn, how to take an existing relationship from casual to committed without overcompensating.
You can get started today. Just download the 1st Chapter of my book for FREE here!