More than friends but not dating
It’s now been about 2 years since I started writing about situationships. A no man’s land that many women find themselves in.
Maybe you are dating a guy and it feels like you are together but not together. Even though the two of you have been hanging out for a hot minute and like each other you are not in a romantic relationship but more than friends.
I mean what do you call it when you are friends but act like a couple?
The short answer is – a situationship!
Yes ma’am. Even if that term just felt like a dagger to your chest, it’s accurate. Considering the things you do are definitely not PG, you surely surpassed the friend zone.
That’s when the question becomes are you okay with being more than friends but not dating?
What is more than friends but not dating called?
As I mentioned above, more than friends but not dating is what I call a situationship.
The twilight zone in which you act like a couple but you are not official because you never agreed to be exclusive.
And while you might very well have romantic feelings for each other, he does not want to commit. It’s honestly one of the most frustrating types of relationship situation to be in.
Because this undefined relationship keeps you stuck.
What are the signs of a situationship?
As the retired queen of situationships, I know a little too much about them, including the 3 most common signs of a situationship:
- No commitment: The main difference between a situationship and a real relationship is that there is no commitment whatsoever. Both of you are single and can therefore continue dating if you wish. That also means that there are no responsibilities or duties you have towards each other. Meaning you can’t expect him to show up in the same way a boyfriend would.
- Secrecy around the relationship: When you are more than friends but not dating, there’s a good chance that your family members and friends don’t know about each other. Meaning you keep the relationship private. Instead of hanging out with either group of friends, you only spend time alone.
- Another clear sign that you are in a situationship is that you feel a lot of anxiety around it. The beauty of a committed relationship is that it gives you certainty and security. When your relationship status is unclear, however, you feel a lot of anxiety, because you don’t know where you stand.
If you need more details, I have an entire blog post dedicated to the biggest signs of a situationship.
Is it okay to be in a situationship?
Of course, it is okay to be in a situationship or friends-with-benefits relationship with someone. Do whatever floats your boat!
But, only do it if that’s the kind of relationship you want. Meaning you enjoy being more than friends but not dating.
If you, however, find that the uncertainty and no-strings-attached nature of this type of relationship constantly makes you feel anxious or hurts your self-esteem, then it’s not for you.
What to do if you are more than friends but not dating?
If you are more than friends but not dating and want to get to the next level, a serious relationship, then this is what you need to do.
1) Communicate what you want
First, you need to communicate to him what you want. A lot of times, we don’t show our true feelings to a guy friend because we are scared or ashamed and don’t want to get hurt.
So instead, you hope that he can read between the lines and see that you want to be his girlfriend.
Well, that’s not how it works in real life. If he is okay with things as they are, he will not bring it up…ever.
So, it is your job to practice direct communication and speak your needs.
2) Set boundaries
If the conversation went well and you found out that he has strong feelings for you and agreed to be in a relationship – congrats.
But if things didn’t go as hoped, and he prefers the current relationship stage, then it’s your job to draw boundaries and create the type of situation that works for you.
Maybe that means downgrading him to a friend with benefits, where you are intimate but don’t spend any time together outside of the bedroom. Or maybe that means you have to cut ties altogether and find a romantic partner that wants what you want.
Either way, when you decided what it’s going to be, implement boundaries regarding the type of communication and connection you are going to have moving forward.
3) Don’t settle for excuses
Lastly, remember that a situationship is not a real relationship and that it does not compare to the real thing. Even if you have a huge crush on the guy you are hanging out with, it’s not true love.
the right person for you will want to be in a long-term relationship and build a genuine emotional connection that lasts.
If you settle for the excuse of him not being ready, you are settling for a heartbreak waiting to happen.
How long before dating becomes a relationship?
I still believe that after 3 months of dating you should be able to decide whether you want to be in a relationship or not. And depending on how often you meet up and what your level of interest is you might even speed it up.
My key tips for getting him to commit to a relationship quickly is to clearly state your expectations when you first get to know each other. That way, he knows that you have standards.
Can situationships turn into relationships?
Yes, absolutely. Situationships can turn into relationships. I have done it in past relationships before and so have many others.
But as I mentioned above you have to be confident in order to do so. Especially with men that are part of your friend group and you already have intimate feelings for.
If you want to know how to go from situationship to relationship, then you can download the first chapter of my book for free.