He’s not the one: 5 Signs To Watch Out For In a Godly Relationship

I still remember my very first relationship and breakup, I was 19 and my boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me. I was heartbroken and really thought that I would die. The pain was insupportable and every morning felt like somebody had just rammed a new dagger into my heart.  

Related Post: 10 Godly Signs That He Is ‘The One’

5 Signs to watch out for in a godly relationship

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The below Bible Verses have been quoted from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Since that very first time, I’ve gone through that feeling of premature death a lot. And every time I ask myself how did I get here? How come I did not see it coming? Why am I hurting so much? Why did he reject me?

I believe that a breakup is not necessarily a bad thing. Oftentimes you can be happy when God shows you that he’s not the one before it takes a turn for the worse or gets more complicated.

It’s one of these signs from God about relationships. 

After all, nobody wants to get a divorce, break-up with kids involved or move out of a shared apartment. Essentially, you want to make sure that you are ready to get married

However, how to know if God wants you to be with someone?

What if I tell you that if you listen to God from the start you are able to foresee the deal breakers in the relationship and are able to handle the breakup better. As your father and protector, He gives you hints and signs that the man you have been seeing isn’t for you and it’s time to move on.

So if you’ve been dating or courting someone and noticed these changes, then God might be telling you that he’s not the one:

1. His words don’t match his actions

One of my favorite quotes is by Maya Angelou and I bet you know it:

‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time’

Simple but pivotal. If the guy you are dating keeps telling you how much he misses you but never makes time to meet, something is off. Same for the man that repeatedly keeps showing interest in other women, while simultaneously assuring you that you’re the only one he wants.

Boy Bye!

As women, we are blessed with ‘intuition’, which I believe is the holy spirit working in us and giving us highly developed discernment. So trust your intuition and pray for revelation to make sure that you are not misled.

By doing so you will be able to tell whether his actions align with his words and if you should remain in the relationship. 

2. He doesn’t know what he wants

The good old ‘what are we’ conversation. In your head, it takes place at least once a week, but in reality, it takes weeks until it actually happens. You try to introduce the topic spontaneously and act super laid back doing so. That’s when he hits you with the ‘Let’s just see where this goes and take it slow’ attitude.

Usually, that’s when I run to the bathroom, ask the holy spirit to take over and remove all sharp objects around #keepingitreal. But on a more practical note that should be the moment when you take a mental note – Issa Red Flag!

We all know that the bible says ‘He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord’ (Proverbs 18:22 NIV). So if he found you, but doesn’t even know what he was looking for, how does he know if you are really a good thing for him?

It’s like wandering through a department store and buying a pair of expensive heels because they look good on the shelf. After 3 weeks in the closet, you realize that you should never have gotten them because they don’t fit any of the clothes (lifestyle) you have.

Because deep down you are a Nike and Sandals kinda girl.

A man who doesn’t clearly communicate what he wants from the beginning is stringing you along to see if it will change over time. No matter how many Bible Verses on patience you memorize he will still waste your time. 

Luckily scripture is clear on the fact that a man should be able to lead you, meaning he needs to have a vision of where the relationship will go.

He’s not the one

5 Signs To Watch Out For In a Godly Relationship

3. His attention drops

Ohh I hate when that happens. The first 3 months he treats you like a princess. He takes you out to your favorite restaurants, calls you at 8am just to say good morning and listens to your favorite celebrity stories. Pure bliss!

Out of the blue everything changes. He doesn’t care about taking you out anymore and prefers getting McDonald’s drive-thru for every date. He only calls you when you ask him to and every time you mention a celebrity name he rolls his eyes.

Deep down you know that something is wrong, but you brush it off and tell yourself that it is normal.

While I do think that a relationship eventually leaves the honeymoon stage and becomes a constant part of your life, I want you to understand that certain things shouldn’t just happen to charm you the first 3 months. And it is your job to determine what type of relationship you want. Do you want to be in a healthy relationship or are these signs of a toxic relationship

God will allow a man to show you his real self so that the two of you can connect on an authentic level. If the real him is nothing like the person you first met, however, then this is your hint that he’s not the one.

Just because you have been getting to know each other for a while and you would like to be in a relationship you shouldn’t force it. Even if it means that you might feel lonely

Instead, thank God for ending things early so that you only cry for two weeks instead of two months. God knows you better than you do and will match you with the man that is best for you. That man won’t lose interest and treat you well forever.

4. You feel like you have to compromise

If there is one thing I’ve learned in a decade of dating, it’s that you should never compromise on your dealbreakers. Yes, I said NEVER compromise… On your dealbreakers!

You might think that this is a little harsh and selfish, but I assure you it is not. A Dealbreaker is a factor or issue, that you cannot overlook and ultimately outweighs any other qualities the other person may have.

Meaning that a dealbreaker is a quality that will irritate you in the long run anyways. It might be the way they treat their family members, the way they take care of their own health or something else that is important to you.

Don’t ignore these dealbreakers, because they may be a sign that he’s not the one that God has for you. Try to find peace and contentment besides the situation, by rejoicing in your current single season. 

5. You prayed for God to show you if he is the one

Now, ladies, this is a big one, so listen clearly! If you are praying to God and asking Him to show you whether the guy you are seeing is the right one for you and suddenly this same person starts acting up. He stops calling and texting or goes off the radio for days.

That is your sign! HE IS NOT THE ONE!

Don’t believe me? Then use this PDF I made just for you and ask yourself these 50 Questions to identify ‘The One”!

I know it hurts, especially if things were fine just a week ago. However, God is a God of action and protection. Which means he will end things if the man you’re pursuing isn’t your husband. This also means that this is not an invitation to blow up his phone and convince him to change.

Instead, strive to maintain a balance between your actions and your faith in God. Because at the end of the day God will do what is right in his sight. And you need to trust in God and believe that whatever happened, is good for you.

Related post: 5 Christian books by female authors that will help you trust God

Signs from God about your relationship?

If one or more of these scenarios apply to you and deep down in your heart you know that God is trying to end your relationship then I want you to pray for discernment, wisdom, and courage.

For discernment so that you are able to tell the difference in behavior early on. For wisdom to know what to do and what to say. And lastly for the courage to execute what God has put on your heart even if it hurts.

If you are struggling to hear God’s voice on that topic, consider going on a fast. This will help you to draw closer to God and focus all your attention on Him.

What other signs that he’s not the one do you watch out for? Share BELOW!

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48 Comments on He’s not the one: 5 Signs To Watch Out For In a Godly Relationship

  1. Good advice! And most of all draw near to God through fasting and prayer to discern what He is leading. It’s hard when your heart is involved… But He wants the best for us.

      • Justine… what if God told him I was the one 2 years ago during time apart, now he wants a break for 6 months with zero commitment and obligations? He has even mentioned considering going for coffee with another woman to “restore his faith in womankind”!? Our break (or break up) follows a week whereby I was depressed and not myself. Now he acts towards me with indifference. But I am turning to God. The ironic part is, he is a baptised member of the church, I am yet to be baptised but am working towards it. Any advice you can give I would be forever thankful for x

        • Hi! Just a Christian trying to help…what do YOU think God is telling YOU? It sound so like this man might not really be the right one to me. Especially if he is showing indifference and he wanted “a break.” From what? I believe God will provide you with someone who TREASURES you. Your future man won’t think twice about taking a “break.” He will love you and show that he cares. And he will also recognize that Jesus is the ultimate lover and carer!

  2. Awesome post! So many girls just date a guy that gives them attention and they don’t look any deeper. We can avoid more heart break with counsel and intuition from the Holy Spirit like you said.

    • Yes, I went through so much heartbreak because I didn’t listen to the Holy Spirit. Now that I know better, it is something that has become a daily practice 😉

      • This may sound crazy, but I decided to post this because this is not an issue with just young women. I was 23 when I married my 1st and only husband. It wasn’t until after our marriage I started seeing red flags pop up that he didn’t want a wife, he just wanted company. From the beginning (after we married), he was just very passive. I just did not want to make decisions for anything. Every answer to me that I hoped to discuss was “whatever you want”. I found out through his sister that he had been married twice before me, and did not even instigate a relationship with his twin daughters. I felt he loved me to a certain degree, but he showed no leadership in our family about taking care of our childrena future. I began to resent being put in this “dictator” role and I did not like who I was becoming with him. Since our divorce that took three years, his sisters and nieces came to the house and divided our things included everything that belonged to our children and he delivered to the city where we were living. Even though we had not even talked about “divorce”, that was his answer. That was 22 years ago. Now our children are married and have their own families. My parents have passed away, and our family has dwindled down to just me…..and any lucky time that I can spend with my grandchildren. I did date several times after our marriage, but each with a new set of red flags. I have never been so lonely in my life…..and I realize that I have never had a normal loving relationship with anyone. I often find myself crying myself to sleep. At this point in time, the women outnumber the men about 4-5 to one. I know in my heart of hearts that God has someone for me. It may not be someone to marry, but I do want to have a friend of the opposite sex to have as a companion and vice versus. So I stay on my knees to Him, and allow myself the patience to clearly see that companion when he allows our paths to cross. Amen

  3. ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time’ . yes why do I insist on not listening? I am so stubborn. Not just romantic relationships but friendships and business deals are affected by this too. Check the actions not just the words.

    • Absolutely agree! More often than not we ignore early signs because we believe they will change, but the question is do they ‘want to change?

  4. These truths are so true, and thank you for sharing so honestly! These are all good things to keep in mind for single girls like me, too. Blessings, girl 🙂

  5. Thank you for this lovely read Justine. Fully agree with all your points listed. Having been through heartbreak in the worst way.. these were lessons I now hold as battle scars. Thanks for the encouragement!

  6. Great post! I think it’s really hard for women to come to terms that someone they’re dating maybe isn’t the one for them. Many of us want love and marriage, so we turn the other way when there are obvious warning signs. I really like your practical advice here!

    • So true! I think that was exactly my mistake in the past. Writing it down was my way of teaching myself that I have to do better.

      • I too am currently going through this. Please say a prayer for me to keep my strength through the break-up. It’s going to be a long, hard road ahead but I’m prepared with my trust in God.

        • Yes! Same here! I asked God to give me a sign if my boyfriend of 2 years was not for me. And of course He did. Not only once but 3 times. The problem is he is a wonderful boyfriend. But I do not think he would make a great husband. Pray for me ladies!

  7. As a divorced single mom, I agree completely with all of the hints you’ve shared! I’ve also learned as I’ve grown in my walk with God that if something is not good for you, there will be a lack of inner peace. Don’t ignore this’ even when you can’t see what the issue is! “deep calls to deep”, learning to hear Gid clearly is the #1 protection from harmful choices.

      • Justine…I’m not sure I understand that. Wouldn’t that not be a good thing? Inner peace to me is God’s grace.

        I personally started to journal. It’s amazing how we find our own answers when we write them down and then read what we wrote? I.e. —- God calming us by soothing our soul.

  8. Hi Justine, this was a really great article with great advice. I wish I would have read this when I was in my teens. It would have saved me a lot of heart ache. Not sure if I would have listened because we all know how we are as teenagers. Lol but I am definitely saving this and showing it to my girls when they are older.

  9. Hi, Justine! This really helps me a lot. I am really seeing my situation in every example that you have, but in the context of long-distance relationship. Though what I am having now is one-sided, there is this thing that I know something is emerging between the man I love and I. Your blog really made me reconsider things. And yes, I will definitely do the fasting.

    Thank you, Justine! You’re a blessing.

    • Hey April,

      I think our own emotions and feelings can always seem one-sided because that’s the only side we see. But I’m glad this post helped a little. I hope the fast will help you gain a little more clarity.

  10. Hi Justin thank u for this, but the thing is my relationship is on and off thing and it’s a long distance relationship, he also proposed in 2016 but I couldn’t accept coz it was too soon, we fight a lot so for now with the hints that u gave here I think I could just accept the heart ache and deal with it n let God lead me. Thanks

  11. Hi,
    I’m in an almost 3 years of relationship and already engaged and we have the wedding date already by next year December. We had conflicts due to my bad habits of being insecure to girls and being so jealous. Then the latest conflict was 2 weeks ago with the same issues weve been fighting for. For almost 3 weeks now he was not communicating with me. He stopped attending church for a while because he doesn’t want to see me yet. He is still so angry that I dont know now if he still loves me. I need your advise please. Thanks Ma’am! 🙂

    • Hey Claire, this sounds like it is very serious. I suggest the two of you consider pre-marriage counseling. Sometimes it can be hard to talk about things alone and a Christian counselor can help you through.

  12. I had God tell me someone was for me and He made sure I knew it would never change. This guy hits all 5 points in this article. As much as I believe everyone wants it to be that clear remember God’s path may not be the easy way. If He does guide you to someone never forget it’s His timing. God has definitely used my situation to teach me who He is and who I am in Him. Don’t ever put finding a relationship over your relationship with God. That’s where your true happiness is anyway.

    • I needed to read this right now. thank you for this wisdom. I’m in the same boat, when I ask for a sign, it is him in spades. But he isn’t there yet. I drive myself crazy waiting for him to be ready. And I ask for more signs, more complex signs, and every time, it’s clearly him. I’m not sure how much more I can wait. I trust God will make all things happen in His due time.

  13. Hi Justine.
    This is a good read. Timely for what I’ve been going through. I have love this divorced guy. I was a starting Christian when I knew him. Even though we’re in long distance relationship, I felt his love. But just recently while reading the bible, about marrying a divorced man that I might be committing adultery. I was shocked and never thought of this will happen. I started to search for the answer but then I was truly in denial that it CAN happen. There’s something inside of me that tells me, I should stop this relationship with but I can’t. It feels like I’m trap already and no where to go. I love Him but I don’t disobey God. Please help me.

    • Hey Sarah, this is a very powerful question and I’m kind of scared to answer it because I don’t feel like I know the word enough to speak on it. That’s why my first advice is to seek godly counsel with a pastor at your church.

      Nonetheless, one thing I would advise you is to listen to your discernment. If you feel like something is wrong about the reason or the way he divorced his wife, then you should ask him. Find out what his standpoint on divorce was and now is. Only if you know these details, you will be able to understand why you might be right in calling it off.

      Be blessed

    • I know the feeling but you shoukd end it as he is still married to his wife in GODS EYE. The only way he will be divorced is if the wife dies as its death do is part in GOD’S Eye so as much as you love him you have to end it

  14. Hi my boyfriend of 8 months have been through many ups and downs and he says he is putting the date of our relationship in god, everytime I ask for reassure he tells me he can’t leave me but he isn’t sure what the future holds,and when he’s mad he says im a waste of his time and I have no heart and accuses me of cheating, I love him what should I do?

    • Hi Teresa, I think you have to ask yourself what type of relationship you want to be in. It seems to me like the two of you have created a toxic relationship. By no means should you feel like you have to stay with someone that deprives you of their love whenever they are mad. Please seek wise counsel in your local church that knows you and your boyfriend.

  15. Hi good day this is really a helpful post. i prayed to God to tell me if truly the man i am dating now is my man. i love him and he does too. he calls regularly and we share experience and advice together. recently i dreamed and i saw something carried me to his house and on getting there, i saw him on another woman i was so surprised and he was shocked too. and immediately i was carried back home. his attitude toward me hasn’t changed, he still calls morning,afternoon and night. we still talk like normal but ow i am confused on weather to continue or to take a break

  16. hello actually i wanted to know what if the man have shown all these qualities and behaviour in the first 3 months then after 3 months have chose to go is it God will will he come back thank you

    • HI Fanny,

      I definitely believe that people change and that if he shows positive actions later the relationship can work. But you have to use discernment and make sure that you don’t misread your own desire for God’s will.

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